Hi Trash Pandas! Welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT. It's your girl, Elinor Jones. I am writing this beginning part after writing the rest of the article. Nothing came to me to kick us off. I thought a couple of margs would help. They did not, plus now I'm tired. Here's some stuff:

Total Eclipse of the *Fart Noise*

Millions of people across the world are hoping that the extremely dorky cardboard glasses they got are real as they plan on staring at the sun today while it briefly disappears. I have a question. What the hell? When there was that total eclipse back in 2017, they made it seem like it was SO RARE and Oregon was SO SPECIAL to have the best seats on Earth for it. Now there's another one, but for Texas and over? This "eclipse" coming mere days after New York City experienced a rare earthquake, and just a year after they all started living through the hell that is wildfire smoke? GET YOUR OWN SHIT, EAST COAST. Those are our acts of God. We get wildfires, earthquakes, and the once-in-a-lifetime star business; you get hurricanes, the cicadas, and functional intra-city rail travel. 

More on the eclipse: While Joe Biden is not my favorite president, he's better than his predecessor in most ways. But, not in every way. There is one perfect, beautiful thing that Trump did in office that Biden could never have made happen. I am referring, of course, to that 2017 eclipse when Trump looked directly at the sun. God, that was incredible. And aids yelling from the side, begging that he not stare straight at it? Fucking art, man. Did this flawless incident make the rest of his cursed term, and the subsequent turmoil that's left our battered democracy clinging to life by the most fragile thread, worth it? No. But did I have to think for a second about my response? I sure did.

Speaking of presidents, you know who's not going to publicly endorse one (at least not yet)? The Rock. After coming out for Biden in 2020, he's saying that it led to "an incredible amount of division" and he won't do it again. To that I say: Grow up, Dwayne. You didn't cause division; there was division, and some people were mad about which side you were on. And I bet my most tattooed and muscled bicep that he will change his tune once the writing is on the wall, and by that I mean when Taylor Swift makes her next batch of Biden/Harris cookies. Look, when you are at Swift or The Rock level of fame, it doesn't actually matter when a fraction of your fan-base—even if the fraction still consists of millions of people—get butt-hurt about your politics. What's less-than-half of the country boycotting Jumanji doing to the bottom line for someone already so rich? Will fewer people flock to Taylor's next tour that sold out dozens of times throughout the world? Cuz that'd be fucking great for me, I couldn't get tickets to the last one. 

And oh, Taylor Swift. She's a billionaire now. Nobody should be a billionaire, so this is even more of a reason for her to make some political endorsements, lose a few fans, and have less money. Swift went out to dinner for a friend's birthday in LA last week, and word is that she picked up the bill, and I mean, yeah. Could you imagine having to Venmo a billionaire $40 for 🍰🍹? There's a reason this woman has friends, and it's certainly not for splitting checks. Someone in Oregon won the $1.3 billion powerball jackpot over the weekend. Imagine it's one of your friends (it literally could be!) Now imagine them asking you to help cover drinks. 

Other Celebrity News, Non-Presidential

Rebel Wilson has a memoir coming out, and the buzz is heavily focused on her revelations that Sacha Baron Cohen was a huge dick to her while filming The Brothers Grimsby. Interestingly, Cohen's team has used this timing to drop that news that he and his wife, actress Isla Fisher, are divorcing after 13 years of marriage, and 20 years together. I'm so curious about the three-dimensional chess being played by publicists with this narrative arc. Was it Isla's team, being like "don't associate us with that mess" and using the opportunity to leak news that they would have preferred stayed private? Or was it SBC's people doing the leaking, if only to remind people that despite being a monster to Rebel Wilson, somebody lovable had found him lovable for two decades? 

Former CNN anchor Don Lemon wed his longtime partner Tim Malone in New York City over the weekend. Congratulations are in order! OR ARE THEY? Many celebrities graced the guest list, including fellow former news guy Matt Lauer, photographed smiling with a girlfriend as living and breathing proof that the #MeToo movement did not destroy men's lives, it merely briefly inconvenienced them until they could reemerge, revealing what we all suspected, which is that they'd kept their wealth, privilege, and access the whole time. Congratulations to Lemon and Malone for your wedding, but NOT for your gross friends. 

Operigatoni. Lasagnopera. Lasagnioni Pavacotti.

The late great opera signer Luciano Pavarotti allegedly kept stashes of pasta around the stage so that he could carbo-load during his singing sets. Girl: same. Why be famous if you can't have spaghetti whenever you want? This really just made me think of the I Think You Should Leave episode when he tries to hide a hot dog in his sleeve during a business meeting. What if Pavarotti got too hungry one day, and tried to hide that he was eating while singing? Would have been like this:

@harrisonsenesac I Think You Should Leave w/ Tim Robinson - Choking On A Hotdog #fyp #ithinkyoushouldleave #ithinkyoushouldleavewithtimrobinson #timrobinson #comedyskit #comedysketch ♬ original sound  - Harrison

Local Trash

A large truck carrying 100,000 young salmon crashed in Eastern Oregon, and most of the fish survived and were able to flop off the road and into a creek, which will eventually get them into a river, and then the ocean, which is where they were supposed to go anyway. Excuse me, was Dr. Ian Malcom watching over those fish, because life found a freakin' way. I love the conversation the truck driver must have had with his boss. Like "oh man, I'm so sorry I took that turn so fast, lord have mercy on my soul for the continued fragility of the salmon species and the ancient way of life of indigenous Northwestern peoples," and his boss, who really wanted to fire him, had to be like, "...they're actually fine." Because when you think about it, anyone could crash anything, anywhere, and the stuff will find a place to be. Fish will flop. 

That's all for today, girlies. If anyone needs me, I will be inside, with my predictable and normal sources of light which cannot be obscured by a passing celestial body, unless of course one of my cats stands in front of my lamp.

Now I'm Only Falling Apart,