Hellooooo! Welcome back to The Trash Report. I'm the Flonase-filled body balloon formerly known as Elinor Jones. Did you all know that climate change is making our seasonal allergies worse? This is extremely unfair! I feel like there should be some sort of silver lining to the planet's rapid descent into uninhabitability. Like okay, what if storms are more dangerous, but no more mosquitoes? Or hotter summers, but somehow the heat makes all of our hair look better instead of worse? But no. We will be sneezing with itchy eyes while it's 125 degrees out, because it is what we deserve. Like how all the bees were dying and it was such a problem, so we humans did something and then the bees came back and we were like "yay! Okay, let's move on," but then there were TOO MANY bees? We wrecked the climate, and now the climate will wreck us.

Oh wow, I need to make some jokes! Let's find some news and gossip to laugh at. 

Crunchwrap Supreme > Court

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito is in some shit because word got out that his house was flying an upside-down American flag—a symbol taken over by Trump supporters following his 2020 defeat—in the days before Biden's inauguration. Many have said that Alito could not be impartial in upcoming cases involving Trump and the 2020 election and therefore should recuse himself. Yeah! Sure! People on the Supreme Court should do a lot of things! Clarence Thomas should stop accepting bribes. Brett Kavanaugh should have stepped down from the nomination process when he was credibly accused of sexual assault. All of them should be wearing those fancy little collars like RBG used to wear. Alas, you cannot judge a judge. It's like trying to google "google." Doesn't work.

Speaking of gross old men, the grossest of them all, Rudy Giuliani, had somehow for days evaded Arizona officials trying to serve him an indictment for his 2020 election crimes. Sorry, alleged crimes (but like... c'mon). This is shocking to me! I could use a lot of words to describe Rudy Giuliani, but "indiscreet" and "stealthy" are definitely not among them. I feel like one could locate Rudy Giuliani using whatever magic makes a cartoon mouse float towards cheese, but the wafting odor is a mix of cigars, cologne, denture cream, and farts. Alas, the man was found, and at his own 80th birthday party. Imagine being the kind of adult who is so into having birthday parties that you have one even when you are literally in hiding? Ahead of the "hey-I'm-right-here!" celebration, Giuliani shared an absolutely psychotic Amazon wish list of the stuff he wanted, which included cologne (knew it!) as well as a chair, a document scanner, and "stain blocking ceiling paint." That Giuliani worries about his ceiling getting dirty really captures the explosive gooeyness of this chapter in his life. Anyway, happy birthday, Rudy Giuliani. You're gross, but very funny. 

The Most Important News to My Demographic Specifically

OKAY. Politics are done. Now I can get to the news that has truly been dominating my life this week, which is the rumor that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are splitting up again. This is not something I can handle! This was something that seemed right with the world! 2020 was bad and dark and then in the spring of 2021 we all started getting vaccinated and Ben and Jen got back together, and it felt like things were gonna be okay. I can't do this again! I just can't. However, they did allow themselves to be papped together a few days ago, which I'm sure was done strategically, and they wouldn't have lent this to the narrative if they actually were over. Or so I'm telling myself, as I sit in the corner rocking back and forth with my arms wrapped around my legs, insisting that I'm only interested in celebrity news ironically.

The ONE thing about the frenzy that I have enjoyed is the US Weekly blurb about it and under the headline about him "moving out of house" it's an old pic where he has a single backpack slung over his shoulder, kind of implying that this was the moment that he moved out, and all of his stuff fit into a single backpack that was so light he could carry it with one shoulder. 

Royal Trash

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were in the news last week by their charming visit to Nigeria, where they were warmly welcomed, looked great, and seemed genuinely friendly. Then Harry's father King Charles yanked the attention back to England by releasing a horrifying new portrait of him where he appears to be emerging from a bloody cave. And I mean bloody as in "drenched in blood," not the way English people say it. And I really wonder if it was finished. I wonder if the artist was doing some complex layering shit and had just laid down the red and Charles was like "The bad son is in the news! Release the portrait!" and the artist was like "it is obviously not done yet, I need to put in more colors so that background doesn't make you look like a tampon" and he said "I don't care!" King Charles also allegedly is trying to make it so that Harry and Meghan can't visit commonwealth countries. Good luck making everyone like you more, Charles! 

Story of His Life

Former One Direction-er Zayn Malik is trying to date again but he keeps getting kicked off Tinder because everyone thinks he's catfishing. Aw, buddy. It's gotta be hard to be both hot and famous! Because obviously he's going to want to use his own photo in a profile pic, because he's beautiful, but when that very face makes people suspicious... gosh, what a problem to have! His ex, Gigi Hadid, has been seeing Bradley Cooper for the past several months, and they were recently spotted dancing awkwardly with Travis Kelce at a Taylor Swift concert. The Gigi/Bradley (Bradli?) pairing makes sense to me, as it's a good balance of cool and young with established, but still wanting to be cool and young. I don't know if finding a match like that works as well when it's the man who is younger? What even would be a comparable celeb for Zayn to date? I wanna say like... Drew Barrymore? Isla Fisher? Or shit, Natalie Portman? She's single now! Zayn, my man, you are wasting your time with Tinder! Call any publicist!

Okay my friends, that is all I have to say this week. When times are hard, I'm glad that Rudy Giuliani and Prince Charles are so gross that writing this column is easy. Thanks for spending time with me, and I will talk to you very soon.