Hello, baby angel Trash Pandas, and welcome to The Trash Report! I'm your girl, Elinor Jones. I am really glad that June is Pride Month because if the month was up for grabs, I could be tempted to be one of those people who try to celebrate "birthday month;" since I know I cannot compete with Pride, I mostly ignore my birthday, like a normal middle-aged woman. But if you want to get me something, may I interest you in a local abortion fund? OR tell your crush you like them. OR seek vengeance for something. I can be flexible!

Couple Gossip!

The universe's stars must be in alignment, because the human stars? They are horny AF! Sabrina Carpenter, the songstress responsible for "Espresso," AKA the best ear worm since RFK Jr's died, just released a fun and steamy video for her new single "Please Please Please." The video stars her boyfriend, Barry Keoghan. These two are giving the sultry slutty young relaysh vibes that they were trying to sell us with Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney had last year—I could never fully get behind those two because they look like they were generated by AI* by simply prompting "hot white heteros." Barry and Sabrina are hot too, but also interesting, sexy, a little dangerous, and maybe kinda mean? Like Glen and Sydney would break your heart by ghosting you, but they'd never tell anyone else your secrets, whereas Barry and Sabrina would get a tattoo of your name and then try to run over you with their car. Tiny bitch summer, here we come.

*Glen Powell's new movie Hit Man on Netflix is very fun and he's delightful in it. Hopefully his career takes him beyond "attractive man" roles, because I think he's got a lot to offer. He looks like a young Brad Pitt with the messy hair and crinkly eyes; hopefully he won't also turn out to be an abusive asshole! 

More Couple Gossip!

Speaking of being horny, 44-year-old Tiffany Haddish recently went on Howard Stern and said that when she met Leonardo DiCaprio she straight-up told him she wanted to fuck him. DiCaprio responded by alerting the police that an elderly woman seems to have escaped her home, presumably. 

You know who else shot their shot? Lauren Boebert and 50 Cent. Both of them. At each other. At the White House! Boebert tweeted their photo together with "I'd still love you if you flipped burgers at Burger King, I used to do that myself!" Mmmmmmmmmmmkay. 50 responded that she was "making the White House look good" and used the leering emoji. Okay, ew. Sounds like the two of them are ready to take things to a production of Beetlejuice, if you know what I mean. And that couple would make sense in the year 2024, or at least it will until Trump's stacked Supreme Court outlaws interracial relationships. 

Last one: Demi Moore and Joe Jonas?! The two have been spotted hanging out together, and some sources suggest that things are getting romantic and I find that pretty delightful. What newly-divorced man in his 30s wouldn't want to get with one of the most beautiful and sexy actresses of all time? And Demi—get it, girl! The story was quashed just as quickly it appeared, which has made me even more curious—what harm could it possibly do either of their reputations to have this rumor out there if there if not something else going on? Watch this space for updates (unless I forget!).

I'm very sorry for so much straight news during such a gay month. Take a break, reset yourself:

Election Years are Trash

Caring deeply about politics is a crushing habit these days. It's too early for polls but it's never too early for vibes, and the vibes aren't all that great, to be honest! Remember how smug we all felt when Lin Manuel Miranda was on SNL right after the "grab 'em by the pussy" tape got leaked with his li'l "never gonna be president now" moment and we were all so certain he was right, and then 10 minutes later Trump became the president? Could we ever be so innocent again? Slate has a long piece from one of the producers on The Apprentice about how horrific and hard to work with Trump was, even back then. If you don't want to click-through, the revelations are hardly shocking: he hit on production staff, was sexist, dropped the n-word, couldn't remember what to say on camera, and they had to make clever cuts to hide how janky the stuff in his life actually was. That producer probably made millions off the show and it launched Trump's fame to new heights, so excuse me if I don't find the "I've always known he sucks!" very cute. 

Who is Nice, Mean, or In-Between?

I'm going to share three short celebrity stories. They will be about Taylor Swift, Tom Cruise, and Zachary Quinto. You have to guess who will be nice, mean, and in-between. Ready? Okay.

1. A recent photo of Lady Gaga got people speculating that she was pregnant, which the singer has denied via TikTok via a Taylor Swift song. Ms. Swift herself then got involved, commenting on how gross the speculation was. 

2. Dakota Fanning has been friendly with Tom Cruise since they were in War of the Worlds together 20 years ago, when she was just a little kid, and ever since then Cruise has sent Fanning a pair of shoes every year for her birthday. I think odds are pretty good that Cruise put this in his calendar to do once back when the movie was in production and then a diligent assistant has copied it over onto his new calendars every single year since then, never wanting to question the man who famously sends all the best celebrities a cake every year on Christmas.

3. Zachary Quinto went to brunch in Toronto and was such a nightmare that the restaurant blasted him on instagram, and not only has he not apologized, but he hasn't even acknowledged it. 

The correct answers are that Tom Cruise is nice (everyone loves presents!), Zachary Quinto is mean (be nice to service staff!!), and Taylor Swift is in-between (can one other person be the moment for fucking once?!). Thanks for playing.

Local Trash

I'm already way over on my word count (which is weird to have on a web column. What, like we'll run out of internet? Give me a break), but I want to mention that Sons of Anarchy star Charlie Hunnam is in town shooting a new Amazon series and I'd like to know 1) what he gets up to around town, or at least 2) that he's very nice to service staff while he's doing it. Let's not be a Zachary, eh Charlie? 

Okay NOW I'm done. Thank you for reading and for being cute and nice! 

Wordily,