Hi, everybody! Welcome back to The Trash Report. If this column seems extra dumb, it's because I used up all of my good jokes on my Very Special Trash Report for our Queer Issue, online here AND in print for free all over town! One of my favorite things in the universe is spying on people reading the Mercury in public to see how they react. I recently watched a man read my entire column without cracking a smile. That person was my partner of 10 years. He doesn't think I'm funny. This is why I need validation from all of you. Oh wow, that was too much! Let's gossip about other people before I tell you more of my insecurities!

Excellence in Felony Convictions

President Biden's son Hunter was convicted last week on felony gun charges stemming from having lied about not being a drug addict when buying a pistol in 2018. This has got to be really hard for MAGA to rally behind, because as much as they hate Joe Biden, they fucking love guns, so their reactions have been less "hooray for federal enforcement of gun laws!" and more "this middle-aged man lying on paperwork several years ago surely proves that his father is corrupt!?" For his part, President Biden has said that he will not pardon his son despite having the legal authority to do so. As we know, pardoning dodgy white men is tastier than a well-done steak with ketchup to ol' Donald Trump, and what do you want to bet that in some swampy Florida conference room, he's considering dangling a pardon in front of Hunter to get him to defect to MAGA land? And if that happened, wouldn't it actually be extremely funny?

In more localized disasters, CNN has a fun story out about how fucked the Oregon coast will be if a major earthquake hits our region and triggers a tsunami. Most people's best bet is to flee to high ground right away, but seeing how backed up highway 101 can get when there is a particularly magnificent kite flying on the beach, I don't see that going great. The other option is building several tsunami-proof buildings where people can congregate on the roof to stay safe, but these cost millions of dollars to construct and there's limited interest in funding them when it's not like we know when the big one is coming. What, like we're supposed to spend money now that may only benefit people later? I believe our country's climate policy of  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ when it's 120 degrees outside in June says about how likely that is to happen.

Old Movies, but New

Y'all, the sequelization of Hollywood and the inability to get new content out there is a serious bummer and I don't love it. Let the record reflect that I said that. Because I am also about to say that many sequels that speak to me specifically are in the works and I'm really excited! I'm sorry, I'm basic! To the delight of any woman who dreams of living in a turreted Victorian home with other hot women (i.e. all women), Practical Magic 2 is happening! Nicole Kidman and Sandy B are even signed on. It's giving post-menopausal horniness, plus hexes.

Next up: Sister Act 3! Whoopi confirmed on The View that it's in the works and other stars from the prior films are interested. This is morbid, but Dame Maggie Smith is really getting on there in years, so they better hurry their shit up! If the first film was at a convent, and the second at a school, where will the third one happen? I would say prison but then I think about how Paddington 2 already nailed the prison musical moment and nobody would really ever dare try. 

And finally: Jude Law said that he'd love to do a sequel to The Holiday, if only Nancy Meyers would get her shit together. (To her credit: her shit is probably sprawled out all over an obscenely large kitchen island, so it's hard to keep track of.) It would be tricky though—nobody would care about that sequel if the original couples weren't together anymore, so they'd have to expand their universe for new love plots. Would the film feel as cozy with an expanded universe? They can freakin' TRY! 

Danglin' in the Air: Hilarious Version

Rapper and abuser Chris Brown got stuck dangling in the air at a recent concert when an aerial stunt stopped functioning. One attendee said "he was hanging for a long ass time before anyone realized he was stuck." Click through for pictures—he looks pretty upset. This rules. It's funny because he was right side up, not very far off the ground, and he sucks.

Danglin' in the Air: Not Hilarious Version

The AtmosFEAR ride at Oak's Park got stuck upside down last week, leaving some 30 people stuck upside down for 25 minutes. Thankfully, everybody made it out uninjured, but can you imagine how fucking scary that must have been?! The fact that the fire department responded and was like "it's cool, we trained for exactly this scenario" has me thinking, what the fuck, you guys? This was a possibility the whole time, and you let kids up there?!? Roller coaster-avoiders like me will get YEARS of excuses out of this. It's foolproof. It's not that we're scared; it's that we're smart. (We're also very scared.)

One other local bummer: Former Oregon governor Neil Goldschmidt died last week at the age of 84. The bummer is that many papers reported on it with headlines about how he was "driven from public life by scandal" which is certainly an interesting way to remind people that he raped a teenager. Just a reminder in the post #MeToo world—for the men, it's only a scandal. 

I already said this at the top of the column but our Queer issue has some seriously incredible content and I highly encourage everyone to pick one up! And if you read it in public, please smile broadly and maybe say "wow...genius" under your breath, in case an insecure writer is lurking nearby. Because we probably are.