Hello, party people! Welcome back to The Trash Report. Happy July! Pride month may be over, but it's not too late to read our gorgeously queer issue if you haven't already. I don't know about you all, but my June was absolutely NUTS, capped off with a trip to New York where I saw a total of three rats, two Broadway shows, and one living cockroach. What a city! I was so busy on rodent watch that I barely even followed the news and in fact needed a whole extra day to try to catch myself up, which is why I'm coming at you on a Tuesday instead of a Monday. Let's sit together a moment to see if anything of importance happened last week?

Yiiiiiiiiiiikes pt. 1

Holy shit, did you guys hear about those presidential debates? They were not good! President Joe Biden sounded like a tired and overworked 82-year-old man, which is exactly what he is, but it's not a great look for a guy trying to stay president. Apparently worried donors are talking about the possibility of replacing him on the ticket, which is so funny because the Republican party was allegedly doing the same thing after Trump's failed insurrection, with a lot of leaks from closed door meetings about how nobody in the party wanted him to try to run again, and look how well that worked out? People will fall in line behind the status quo. It is kinda fun living in this moment when we pretend we have other options, though.

The Biden family reportedly spent last weekend talking through things together, and landed on YOLO, let's go girls! Coolcoolcool.

In more fun Democratic presidential candidate news, Page Six reported that when dining at New York's Fresco by Scotto Italian restaurant, Hillary Clinton's staff had demanded that she have access to her own bathroom when dining, which prompted the restaurant to completely redo the staff bathroom into a beautifully scented wiz palace, only for her to not use it. I feel like Page Six shared this story to remind us of how "unlikable" she is, but it's just about the most human thing I've ever heard. I too would also love guaranteed access to a bathroom that hasn't been filled with farts by sick randos. The woman is not a robot bred in the basement of the DNC; she's a real person, with a nose, and even though she's had her flaws, she has been through it and deserves to poo in places not stinking of another's poo! And yes this does include Bill! He goes outside, like the dog he is!

Yiiiiiiiiiiikes pt. 2

With me taking an extra day to write this Trash Report, I get to spiral even further than normal with the Supreme Court decision that Trump is immune from prosecution for stuff he did in his official capacity as President. Remember in his first campaign, that thing about how he wouldn't lose any voters even if he shot someone on 5th Avenue? Now we know that if he does it as President, he wouldn't go to jail, either. 

Sure, Jan

Kevin Costner was on The Howard Stern Show and claimed that Princess Diana had agreed to star with him in a sequel to The Bodyguard before her untimely death, and that she's the one who requested a kissing scene. SURE, JAN. But assuming it's real, and without watching the clip from the Howard Stern show, because I don't want to, what would the plot of Bodyguard 2 have even been? Because if he was such a great bodyguard, wouldn't Whitney Houston have kept him as her bodyguard? You can't make the story be that she died and that's why he was available for a new client, because that would have made him a really really bad bodyguard. You can't just have a sequel where a once-in-a-lifetime love and successful professional relationship happens again. 

In other movie news, the highly anticipated (by moms and gay men) film adaptation of Wicked has had its released date bumped forward, putting it up against the release of highly anticipated (by dads of all sexual orientations) release of Gladiator 2. Deadline is even asking if this will be 2024's Barbenheimer, and the answer is obviously no, because there is not an obvious portmanteau. I mean, Wickiator? Gladed? Get outta here. We can't just have a new thing every time a "boy" movie and "girl" movie come out at the same time. Besides, not all movies have a clear gender. The Garfield Movie is proof of the limitations of the gender binary. 

Yiiiiiiiiiiikes pt. 3

Television personality and presidential daughter Jenna Bush Hager talked on the Today Show about how her kids have seen her naked and that it's not gross. And I totally agree! Bodies are normal, everybody's got one, no need to start making kids weird about bodies at home when society will take care of that in no time. What's funny about this is putting together the fact that she doesn't think it's weird for kids to see parents naked, and her dad is former president George W. Bush. And if I have to acknowledge that George W. Bush could ever even be naked, then you have to, too.  

Local Trash

NPR reported that housing prices nationally have hit an all-time high. There just isn't enough supply and no one is selling. But that's not true! There are plenty of houses for sale in the Portland area for less than $200k, it's just that most of those houses are on top of a river and probably the first ones to be taken by the sea whenever global calamity hits. They do seem very pleasant though. Should I buy one? Should we all buy one? Should we establish a socialist utopia on Marine Drive, under where all the airplanes come in to land, by Costco? 

Besties, your girl is zapped! Thanks for spending time with me today, and sorry again for being a day late. It's a fragile ecosystem I'm dealing with here, and processing how good my hair looks on the East coast despite the weather being absolutely dogshit is just a lot to deal with. On behalf of the city's dogs and the rapidly drying grasses, I hope that your neighbors respect the fireworks bans.

Democratically (for now),