Trash Pandas! My babies! How are you? Welcome back to The Trash Report. It's really fucking hot outside; I hope you've had access to air conditioned spaces and/or tons of frosty margaritas. We all know what heat can do to garbage, so let's get to the trash before it gets too smelly for even the likes of us!

Senior Leadership

President Joe Biden gave a highly anticipated interview with George Stephanopolous last week where he brushed aside calls for him to step down from the race, saying that only "the lord Almighty" would take him out of the race. Which means that I, an atheist, will now have to believe in God in two instances: 1) during severe turbulence on an airplane, obviously, and 2) when our fragile country is on the brink of falling to fascism and a stubborn old man won't get out of the fucking way.

Ugh, while I love demented news, it sucks that the election isn't for months and it is all I seem to be able to read about! Thankfully, my fave gossip site Crazy Days and Nights just did their twice-yearly massive reveal of Blind Items and I was gifted numerous minutes of other important stuff to read about, like that Billie Eilish spent Oscars night trying to get Sydney Sweeney to notice her (who wouldn't have?). However! That sneaky gossip site sneaked in some DC gossip and it's very funny so I have to talk politics again. Remember how South Dakota GOP Governor Kristi Noem psychotically confessed to murdering her family puppy in her book, and by doing so, got herself pretty much black-listed from Trump's list of potential VP picks? A source said that Noem only made that disclosure at the urging of Trump crony Corey Lewandowski, who hates her and didn't want her on the ticket, so he lied and convinced her it was a good story to tell. Ha! I love when the evil ones go evil on each other. Lewandowski better watch his back next time he's in South Dakota, though. If she shot her dog for snapping at her, imagine what she'd do to a guy who crushed her national political dreams?

The Award for Most American at 4th of July

Actor Danny Trejo was involved in a brawl on the 4th of July because someone threw a water balloon at him during a parade and Danny Trejo was Not. Having. That. Shit! You know how there is a type of person who when they throw punches, it's called a fight, but when some other caliber of person does it, it's called a Brawl? I think that's cool. A Brawl is cool America, like in a cigarettes and blue jeans kind of way. And I'm sorry, but who would ever throw water balloons at an 80-year-old man? Trejo has since stated that he regrets his actions, but doubles down on the abuse with a mental punch by pointing out how embarrassing it must have been to lose a fight to an 80-year-old man. 

In other Independence Day news, Gwyneth Paltrow held a party at her home in the Hamptons and somebody got diarrhea. I'm sorry, not just diarrhea—"catastrophic" diarrhea, which is a pretty horrifying combination of words! The diarrhea was allegedly caused by Ozempic, which all the stars are on, so think about this the next time you see a star-studded red carpet: know that the bathrooms at that event are a grade-A paint show and you're lucky you're not there.

Speaking of actors, Kevin Bacon recently went out in disguise as a normie and said it sucked because he had to wait in line and nobody told him he loved him. Is that something that happens to famous people?? I mean, I knew there were perks, and I can handle waiting in line, but just constantly getting told how loved you are? I gotta get on this getting famous bit. Seems really nice! (Aside from all the bathrooms being gross with diet diarrhea, that is.)

Body Parts

Celebrity premier procreator Nick Cannon had his nuts insured for $10 million. "Ha ha," you say. "You must be saying 'nuts' as a joke and actually the man owns stock in walnuts or something?" No. I meant "nuts" as in "testicles," like he took out an insurance policy for his testicles. Cannon said this was to protect his "most valuable asset," but like, the man has 12 kids. Isn't he done with the balls? Let them rest. 

In other parts of the body, English singer Lily Allen is now selling pictures of her feet on OnlyFans after a nail tech told her she had some killer stumps. Good for her! But bad for me, because I desperately need to know what her feet look like now and I can't handle what a Google search like that will do to my entire internet algo until the end of time. 

And in other body parts, Zac Efron is getting a bunch of shit for his face looking different in A Family Affair than it did when he was a teenager in High School Musical. Faces change, people do things to their faces, other things happen to faces, what matters is that Efron is charming as all get-out in that movie and I hope that the mean things people are saying about him don't stop him from making a million more rom-coms, because the man is a STAR and a DELIGHT! 


I'm usually one to get onboard with any and all stupid moments in pop culture but I every time I see the words (if you can call them that) "Hawk Tuah Girl" I want to close my laptop and be taken by the sea. This one is not for me. I fucking hate it.

Stay cool, both metaphorically like this guy 😎 and literally like this guy ⛄. I love you so much.

Air conditionally,