Hi, Trash Pandas! Welcome to The Trash Report, your Portland home for news, gossip, and flailing. I'm not so much Elinor Jones as the stunned husk of a woman who yearns for precedented times. Crazy weekend, huh? You know shit's bleak when I walk away from the internet and start cleaning. Let's just say that at least my gorgeously organized jewelry tray is grateful for a country in crisis! So, um, I guess now I am going to try to make you laugh. 

The Big Thing

It's crazy when The Thing happens that you know in an instant is The Thing That's Gonna Change Things, and we got it on Saturday when a gunman tried to kill Donald Trump but only grazed his ear and killed a spectator instead. Republicans including Trump have said that God protected him which is quite the "fuck you" to the Trump rally-goer who was killed, as well as the families of people who die at a higher clip than any other industrialized nation because we live in a gun-sick hellhole. The next few days are going to suck so bad. Fortunately, I also have a refrigerator, pantry, and closet to stress-clean. Another update on this note is that I'm thinking I might start being one of the people who puts their winter sweaters into those bags that shrink real small, so if you catch me on my phone, I'm looking up the best products for doing that, not doom-scrolling, I promise.

This meme has been floating around; I think it makes a lot of good points:

The Other Thing

(I wrote this hilarious bit about Joe Biden before Trump got shot and I debated deleting it because it's a lot of chatter about stuff that everybody else is already chattering about, but it's funny so I kept it in. Skip it if you're sick of politics. -ej)

Calls for Joe Biden to step down are getting louder while his voice is getting much quieter. And honestly, while he's shown plenty of alarming signs recently that he isn't up for the job, the whispering isn't really a problem for me!? I kind of like it. It's kind of scary and fun. Like, not being able to articulate a coherent thought is scary in a, like, "wow this guy is too old to run shit and we are probably going to see the fall of democracy in our lifetime, yikes!" but the whispering is scary in a, like a, "don't you know I'm loco?" kind of vibe, which is at least interesting. Do I wish things were different? Oh, definitely! Do I think it's a little messed up to try to find humor in this frankly terrifying situation we are in? Yes! I am damaged!!!! We all are!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Celebrity Skin

Okay now I am going to pivot to the dumbest, lowest-stakes shit I can find, because the other stuff was extremely too much. Matthew McConaughey was recently stung by a bee and I urge you to click through for the pic; it's decidedly not alright, alright, alright. 

It girl Julia Fox came out as lesbian last week. She was previously linked to the rapper previously known as Kanye West. Kinda funny how women rebound from him. Julia Fox is into women, Kim Kardashian sought BDE from Pete Davidson, and Amber Rose is now full MAGA. The man has a type, I guess, which is women who will seismically change their lives upon termination of a relationship with him. Something to keep in mind when we see pictures like this:

Speaking of dating machines, did y'all know that Common is now dating Jennifer Hudson? Last I heard he was with Tiffany Haddish. The man's dating history is one of legend and women always seem quite—let's say content?—when dating him. Huge "good for her" vibes for J. Hud, is what I'm saying.

In Memoriam

Really rough week for beloved people! I'm going to keep these brief:

Iconic wide-eyed actress Shelley Duvall died last week at the age of 75. In her honor, cut bangs. You will not look as iconic as her, but nobody could; at the very least, you'd have a reason to screengrab several pictures of her on your phone.

Iconic home fitness guru Richard Simmons died last week at the age of 76. He was a fixture of '80s and '90s talk shows and a fixture of childhood to all of us who were babysat by television during those years. In his honor, please wear shorter shorts than society wants you to wear. 

Iconic sex therapist Dr. Ruth passed away last week at the age of 96. Dr. Ruth created space for honest conversations about sex and pleasure and was a beloved fixture of my Twitter timeline before that place became a cesspool. There was not a major event she couldn't make into a reason to get laid and it's really a shame she died before this attempted assassination of Donald Trump; she would have made it so horny. In her honor, do something stone-cold freaky this week. 

And finally, iconic icon Shannen Doherty passed away at the age of 53. Shannen Doherty? More like Shannen Oh-No-herty! She had been public about her breast cancer fight so we knew this was coming, but it doesn't make it any less sad. Her as Brenda Walsh is a north star to elder millennials such as myself. In her honor, be a bitch to the Kelly Taylors in your life who show up in the same dress as you, and have sex with Dylan.

Local Trash

Or rather, NOT trash: our own Taylor Griggs wrote a great piece about how the Willamette River has gotten cleaned up and turned back into a pleasant place for the community to enjoy after decades of pollution concerns kept swimmers away. This may not be a famous world city like Paris, but Paris has been struggling to convince swimmers to get back in the Siene after 100 years of it being too polluted to touch, so while we may not have the Louvre, at least our river isn't full of ancient E. Coli! Portland: better than Paris? Sure seems like it! In a time when our small shiny rectangles seemingly only bring us sad and scary news, we are so lucky for a place to feel the sun on our faces and breathe fresh air. 

And on that note, I'm all done writing for now. I have to close this machine before another life-shattering event or soul-crushing celebrity death makes me have to rewrite the column again. Stay safe and loving.

In the sun,