Ahoy-hoy, and welcome back to The Trash Report! Sorry to have missed you last week—I was working on a special assignment and I don't want to give anything away, but if you see a Fall Arts Guide from this very publication, you might want to pick it up. And wow, since I was away from my normal jokes, we have SO much to catch up on! Let's get to the dumpster.

Democracy: Not Trash!

The Democratic National Convention was last week and all us lefty political junkies are now nursing a hangover from so much being drunk on party unity. Barack! Michelle! AOC! Doug! Freakin' KAMALA! Everyone was really on their game. (Was that a football joke? I like Tim Walz a lot, I hope so!) Did they say everything that I wanted? No, but I understand that there must have been some reasons behind not talking about halting production and sales of weapons taxing billionaires into extinction. Still, there was some good stuff, and I'm more excited about voting in November than I have been in years. 

Meanwhile, Republican Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance is trying to prove he's not weird and failing spectacularly. Remember when John McCain picked Sarah Palin as his running mate and she was a terrible candidate and we were sad because this said something bad about America? Yeah, we're way past that. JD Vance is a terrible candidate and it rules so hard. He recently stopped by a donut shop where the workers didn't want to be on camera and he struggled to make conversation and then ordered "whatever makes sense," for which he has been mercilessly mocked. And look, I get it: When JD Vance orders "whatever makes sense" it sounds like a robot prepping for his first day of human school. That said, I do think this makes sense! Not to make excuses for JD Vance, but I like the idea of ordering "~items~." Sometimes I want to eat stuff, but not have to make decisions! Let's make this a thing! Put "whatever makes sense" on the late night menu at a bar and I guarantee you it will go gangbusters. Sometimes you'll get a vat of french fries and a pitcher of beer. Other times you'll get a Sprite and two ibuprofen. The "not having to decide" is built in to the order. Credit where credit is due—this couch-fucker might be on to something!  

Bennifer is Dead. Long Live Bennifer!

After months of speculation, Jennifer Lopez filed for divorce from Ben Affleck. Their reunification was a  highlight of the pandemic, although I think they knew we needed them too much. (I like using the word "reunification" here—it makes it seem like an event of equal global import to the fall of the Berlin Wall. Which it is.) What's really interesting about their breakup is learning they never had a prenup. This really underscores the COVID-ness of it all. We all did dumb things during the pandemic that made a lot of sense at the time. I thought I would get super jacked. It was a confusing time for everyone. 

Do you want good J. Lo news? YES YOU DO, and you DESERVE IT: The classic '90s camp action/disaster movie Anaconda, which starred Lopez in wet tank tops, is in talks for a reboot by Paul Rudd and Jack Black, and those are a lot of words I like in one very long sentence! The coverage of this so far has actually used the word "reimagining" instead of a reboot, which is a dumb euphemism because this plot is pretty set in stone, and it's "what if a snake was fucking HUGE, and eats people." What, you want to make a movie about a regular snake, that eats no one? Nobody wants that! Do not reimagine a thing!

In other desperate ploys to make chronically nostalgic millennials drop our hard-earned cash/accrue more debt, '90s rock band Oasis is said to have reconciled after a years-long fight between the Gallagher brothers, and rumors are that a tour might be in the works. I know how good it feels to be shitcanned in a bar with my friends screaming "Wonderwall" at the top of our lungs, and to do it in an arena with 20,000 friends, with the band right there and everything?? Sign me the fuck up! Hey, isn't it nice to be old enough to finally have a 401(k) and also dumb enough to take a hit to borrow from said 401(k) to take a dumb vacation with our friends to see Oasis?

In Other Covid Mistakes

Pop star Lily Allen revealed on her podcast that she had to return the dog her family adopted as a puppy during the pandemic because it ate her and her daughters' passports, resulting in a logistical nightmare involving international custodial agreements. (I'm glad that Allen realized the dog wasn't working for her family and returned it instead of Noem-ing it.) My dog is glaring at me as I write this, with her one singular eye asking if I'm still mad at her for eating a used bandaid the other day, which seemed pretty horrible in the moment, but maybe doesn't seem quite so bad now, does it?  

In Other Body Revelations

Drew Barrymore has announced that she will start giving more personal space to her guests and audience. Goddamnit, I knew I should have gotten to that show earlier! Now I feel like I don't even need to try to get famous anymore. What is even the point if Drew Barrymore won't touch my knee or braid my hair? 

Sir Ian McKellan recently fell into a crowd during a live theatre performance and was hurt pretty badly, although it would have been a lot worse if he had not been wearing a fat suit that softened the blow. I'm glad McKellan had that protection, although it's worrisome that he's only got it when he's on stage! Why not wear nature's padding, and all the time? Allow me to present my petition to have Ian McKellan get fat. Let's introduce Gandalf to his Santa era.

Local Trash

The Oregon Zoo has just released 100 endangered frogs into the wild. When I went to the zoo for my Cutest Creatures piece, I learned there are a bunch of secret animal habitats around the zoo. Next time you go, watch out for unlabeled giant plastic tubs—they could be a food scrap dumpster, or they could be a fresh attempt at staving off the collapse of our local ecosystem through the reintroduction of native species. Anyway, if your indoor/outdoor cat brings home a dead frog, no it didn't.

Ahh, wasn't that so nice, spending this time together? I hope you have a great week. It's gonna be hot again this weekend, so if you haven't yet gotten a sunburn this summer, you've still got time. Your dermatologist will (not) thank you! Love you.

Sunblockedly,