Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones, AKA Mother Trash Panda, AKA a bag of flesh wrapped in athleisure and covered in blankets. I told myself I was not going to buy any new clothes this year—just trades or vintage—but it's only February and I did not factor in quite so much aggressive relaxing. Stretchy pants were not cut out for this degree of sitting. So I might be coming up with some exceptions to my New Year's resolution, in just the second month, which would be shocking if you hadn't read all my Dry January columns about drinking. These times—they're just so hard! So let's read some gossip about it? 

Make America Hell-thy Again

A measles outbreak in Texas has risen to nearly 100 people. The measles is the most contagious infectious disease known ever to humans, and the vaccine against it is safe and effective. Trump's new Secretary of Health, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., thinks that the vaccination schedule in this country "needs further study" despite decades of evidence of it being incredibly successful. It's been studied—they just don't like what happened. We call it the Mom-said-no-so-I'll-ask-Dad policy strategy that's super fun and mature. This is the same motherfucker who exploited an accident in Samoa to encourage parents from vaccinating their babies against the measles and then acted all innocent and surprised when thousands of people got sick and 83 people—mostly kids—died. 

Jesus Christ, I am trying to write my little comedy column and led with children dying of preventable diseases! Sorry, friends—it's just that I am very angry. But I'm going to encourage myself and you to take a breath.  That BBC article about the Texas measles outbreak points out that it takes about 95% community vaccination to keep outbreaks at bay, and Texas is at 94.3% for kindergarteners entering school. For all the air time the anti-vax movement gets, it really is the minority. We need to keep reminding ourselves that most people are doing the right thing, it's just that the bad guys have the advantages of power and the microphone right now. This isn't all too far gone. 

In other Trump-appointee news, Real World alum and Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy was viciously booed in San Francisco after showing up to a train talk to shit-talk trains. Dude: read the room? Duffy got huffy and said that the protesters should be heckling Governor Gavin Newsom instead of him. This man is clearly clueless about how the left functions: we will heckle Democrats, too! It should be noted that Trump liked the high-speed rail project during his first term. I wonder if his black-clad butt boy got in his ear with some ideas about how arriving places safely and efficiently is actually woke culture. 

Speaking of Elon Musk, his former partner Grimes has taken to using the very same social media platform he ruined to beg for assistance with one of the three children they have together. This is the tech bro version of getting emailed at your personal email instead of your work email after ignoring an urgent work thing on your work email. But worse, of course, because instead of avoiding scheduling a meeting, he's avoiding one of his 13 children. Tweeting at Elon was a far better choice than emailing, as he just solicited emails from approximately two million federal workers. Better than two million meetings, I guess!

Palate Cleanser

BLECH, I hate that these weak-chinned losers occupy so much of my brain space! I'd much rather be talking about Lady Gaga on almost any occasion, and now I'm going to: Gaga is coming out with a new album and if she tours on it I will go and I will take my daughter, because a person will always be asked what their first concert was and I'll be damned if my child has a lame answer there! (In case you're curious, my first concert with parents was Peter, Paul and Mary at the Schnitz, and my first concert I picked for myself was The Descendents at La Luna, and yes, this should sum up my entire vibe.) While doing press for the album, Gaga was given a lie detector test and when asked how she orders red wine, she responded "with maraschino cherries and a diet coke." This is how she is the queen of making camp chic! When I read about Trump drinking Diet Coke it makes me want to give it up completely, and here Gaga is, giving us new ways to enjoy it, but with our second-favorite beverage (red wine) AND a reason to use that weird jar of gross cherries at the back of the fridge that were purchased for sundaes and then abandoned cuz they're gross!? The woman could not be more of an icon.

Stars: They're Just Like... Not Us

Apparently the new rage in facial pampering is a salmon sperm facial? Denise Richards is the latest of famous celebrities who have talked about the procedure after hearing that Jennifer Aniston tried it too. And you know what? We eat salmon roe. That's a delicacy. It makes sense that other components of the salmon reproductive process would be considered for rich people to enjoy. But I'm so curious, like: why the face? Where else did they try to put the salmon spunk before they landed on face? It could not possibly have been their first guess. Did they go There's Something About Mary and try for the hair first? Or perhaps an alternative to a BBL, like a PNWBL? (Pacific Northwest Butt Lift.) That said, with how expensive normal eggs are getting, I wonder if our grandchildren will be making facials out of chicken eggs and then their boring breakfast protein is like, unpasteurized locusts. 

This Will Be Normal

It was just announced that Cynthia Erivo will star in a live production of Jesus Christ Superstar as the big guy Jesus himself. While I don't super care about watching the show—it's not my favorite Andrew Lloyd Webber musical (Evita-heads rise up!)—I do love that so many people will get so worked into a froth about Jesus being portrayed by a Black queer woman. And good for Erivo to not be afraid of the certain backlash—if I were her, I would definitely be spending the quiet time in between Wicked press tours carbo-loading and doing math to see if what I already made working was enough to not have to work ever again. 

Is Love Blind, or Am I?

Briefly, I am really glad this is getting press: everyone on this season of Love is Blind looks the exact fucking same. I actually gave up on this season because I cannot give two shits about any of these men, who all look like a young Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy. There cannot possibly be any "I said yes to this guy but I'm more attracted to that guy" when they are all, in essence, the same guy. I have never been an "I'm just bad with faces" or "I'm just bad with names" type of person—I've always found it to be a lazy excuse for not caring about other people—that is, until now. Turns out I've got it in me to be bad with both faces and names. And personalities, to be honest. Which one was bullied and which one skateboarded? I don't know, and I don't care.

Local Trash

In local news, Portland postal workers are planning an action against Trump, who is working on taking over the US Postal Service so he can make it shittier and then have an excuse to privatize it. If you think this may not be a big deal, ask yourself how excited you'd be for surge pricing on mailing stuff around the holidays. Mail would be like discount air travel, where the base rate only covers having an envelope hucked into a designated state, but the surcharges will get you an approximate zip code guarantee. And you want that prescription drug delivered before it expires in the system? Yeah, you're going to need the Moda Platinum featuring Paramount Plus for that one.

Bye, everybody! Wow, remember how January was eight years long? Yeah well, February is almost over, which means March is next. There are little crocuses coming on that I see when I'm walking my high-maintenance dog, and I can hardly believe how lucky I am for a lot of reasons, including that I get to write this idiotic nonsense for friends like you. See you soon.

Love,