Hello friends, and welcome to The Trash Report! This is a space for talking about what’s happening in the world. The Mercury is publishing a "Portland Guide to FUN" issue this coming week, and I have been asked to play along, even though much of the news right now is very—how you say—not fun. I’d like to say something like “I’m never one to back down from a challenge,” but in all honesty I am always one to back down from a challenge—because why make life harder for myself?–except in this instance, because I love you and I want you to be happy. Now let’s make like raccoons and use our opposable thumbs to tear the lid off this garbage can.
Politics are FUN (Or at Least Funny)!
There was briefly a moment when it seemed like the Democrats would do something awesome to stand up to the Trump/Musk regime… but of course, they fucking blew it. For example, last month Republicans put together a budget bill with zero input from Democrats, and it was full of a bunch of stuff that would make life worse for millions of Americans. And, without support from any Democrats to help it pass, there would have been a government shutdown. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer momentarily stood against the bill before breaking ranks and supporting it with some dumb reasoning about how a shutdown would’ve been worse and the Democrats would’ve been blamed for it. This is a girl going, "I decided I’m actually fine with an open relationship" to a dude who has been cheating on her for months. The Democrats can pretend all day that they’re in a functional relationship with the Republicans, but it doesn’t matter; they will continue screwing everyone. In the words of Wayne Campbell: “Get over it. Go out with someone else.”
Politician Relationships are Definitely Funny
In other political news, GOP Representative Lauren Boebert has been hooking up with Kid Rock. I know this sounds pathetic, but hang on, it gets worse: according to gossip site Crazy Days and Nights, Rock is allegedly cheating on Boebert with a stripper who looks like his ex, Pamela Anderson. Ouch! Boebert is probably sad because last time she tried stripping, she got kicked out of a production of the musical Beetlejuice. Kid Rock then invited fake liberal Bill Maher to dinner at the White House with Trump to “unite the country.” This is a gross misunderstanding of the influence Bill Maher carries, which is only with other men who are exactly the same as Bill Maher, and nobody else. The country is already united around this one concept, which is that Bill Maher is a hack.
Elsewhere in the Trump orbit, his former daughter-in-law Vanessa Trump has been quietly dating golfer Tiger Woods for the past few months. Vanessa used to be married to Don Jr. and shares five children with him, the oldest of whom, Kai, is an avid golfer. Trump Sr. (the president) is friends with Woods. Trump is notorious for engineering the relationships of those in his orbit—he gave Jr.'s last fiancée, Kimberly Guillifoyle, a posh ambassadorship in Greece to get rid of her—and I can't help but think he's encouraging the Tiger/Vanessa thing specifically to fuck with Junior. Just like, “my gifted granddaughter deserves a father figure who’s good at golf, and it ain’t you.” The man is evil as a president, but he’s vicious as a dad.
Another Fun Relationship!
I am deeply obsessed with the romantic comings and goings of one Jennifer Lopez, and friends? Your girl has been fed. Celebitchy suggested that Jenny from the Block might be entangled with none other than Ted Lasso's Roy Kent, Brett Goldstein! This is such a random pairing, but I love it. He's an English comedian who’s rumored to be an absolute delight to everyone he meets, as well as a stone cold fox. I’d go so far as to say he’s the opposite of Dunkin’ Donuts… if a person could be the opposite of Dunkin’ Donuts? J.Lo would never slap Brett Goldstein on the chest to correct his posture at the Grammys, because he would never be pouting like a baby at the Grammys in the first place!
Status Updates!
Singer Megan Trainor just got a boob job and is getting a lot of shit for it, because it was free via a brand sponsorship. But I say, good for her! Breast health is healthcare, and healthcare is expensive. Besides, it seems way easier to slap a hashtag on an Instagram post than set up a GoFundMe like the rest of us have to do when we need surgery.
"But what is going on with Kelly Clarkson?" you ask. And friends, I truly wish I had an answer. Clarkson has been absent from a few tapings of her show recently, and celebrities who were there to be guests were suddenly thrust into guest hosting roles. The show said that Clarkson is "dealing with a personal matter that does not directly involve her." Quelle intrigue! That's worse than saying nothing! "Dealing with a personal matter" = precisely that, she deserves privacy, we are already lucky enough to be sharing God's green earth with Kelly Clarkson, so we do not need details, and a queen must rest. "Dealing with a personal matter that does not directly involve her" = OKAY PRODUCERS, WHO DOES IT INVOLVE THEN? HOW IS SHE INDIRECTLY INVOLVED? IF IT'S A PERSONAL MATTER, DOESN'T IT MEAN THAT SHE IS DIRECTLY INVOLVED? OR IF SHE TRULY IS NOT INVOLVED, WHY ISN'T SHE AT WORK?
Local Trash
Portland just dropped out of the top 25 most populated cities in the US, getting bumped by Austin, Texas. I didn’t realize Portland had been the 25th biggest city in the US before, and definitely didn’t realize it was only recently bigger than Austin! I think Austin deserves that spot, to be honest. It’s easy to be cool in the Pacific Northwest, but to be cool in Texas has got to be weird. Congratulations, Austin!
And a final bit of news, this time involving actual trash: the City of Portland is hosting several Dumpster Day events this spring and summer, where residents can unload large unwanted items for free on certain dates and locations around town. You can find out more on the city’s website, and I encourage you to look into it, because our friends and neighbors need to get honest with themselves and accept that nobody wants their half-broken Ikea coffee table, and putting it out on the sidewalk with a free sign is not the kindness people want to think it is.
Okay that’s all the space I have, so I’m gonna take off. Thanks for having fun with me if you found this fun, or thanks for reading without smiling if it wasn’t your cup of tea. The fun thing about fun is how subjective it is! I should make a spreadsheet of ranked enjoyment levels. Now THAT would be fun.
Funfully,
