Hello, and welcome to another Trash Report! I am Elinor Jones. Wow, I just saw that this Nikon photography account on Instagram got a pic of all of us in a tree together (I'm the one whispering):

Imagine that's still us and I am reading you all of the following: 

Dumpster Nation

President Trump had denied that any of his favorite boys would be punished for the demon group chat from hell, but apparently National Security Advisor Mike Waltz has ended up with his head on the chopping block. However, since firing him would have been admitting that gossiping about secret war stuff was Bad Actually, Trump instead nominated him to be the new U.N. Ambassador. In other circumstances this would be a pretty sweet promotion, but Trump hates global diplomacy, so clearly this was done to punish both Mike Waltz and the United Nations. Like, Trump could accept casual incompetence when it came to national security, but now it's weaponized incompetence, and his target is the world.  

Senator Tammy Duckworth said it will not be an easy confirmation. It might not be easy, but I think it will be fun. You know all the cameras in that hearing room will be zoomed in on Waltz's phone, dying to capture a picture of him on his phone right when the hearing starts at 8 am reading a text from JD Vance that's like, "stay strong Mikey and let us know if anyone there needs 'the Houthi treatment' hahaha," with Pete Hegseth responding "literally LOLed and I'm barely even drunk yet."  

Mike Waltz has left the chat.

— Governor Tim Walz (@governorwalz.mn.gov) May 1, 2025 at 8:50 AM

In other Trump news, he announced last week that he plans on changing the name of Veteran's Day to "Victory Day for World War I." I assume he picked World War I because there are no living veterans from that war and this way he doesn't have to pose in any pictures with veterans in wheelchairs, which he hates doing. Limiting the day to World War I is also his way of making clear that nobody better fucking mention John McCain and his dumb heroism today and Trump's initial suggestion to change the name to "Fuck John McCain Day" was a rare instance of people in his orbit telling him no. (The White House has since backtracked on this whole thing, but I'd already thought of these funny comments so I am keeping this part in.)

Movie Trash

Natasha Lyonne has announced that her production studio is working on a movie made with generative AI. They've said that this is "clean AI," in that creators were paid for having their content fed to robots rather than simply being stolen. Um, thanks? But like, if creators are being paid in the process, why not simply have them do all of it? Because now with this AI component I have to hate this project, and I usually like whatever Natasha Lyonne is in, so I am personally victimized by this news both as a writer and as a Natasha Lyonne fan.

Content warning for sexualizing aliens: Dee Wallace, the actress who played the mom in E.T., said that she had to ask Steven Spielberg to tone down some sexually suggestive content that was planned for the film. And thank God she did! We're already squicked out by E.T.'s fingers; I don't like to think about what other freaky shit they would have come up with in his anatomy.  

Movie Star News

Jeremy Renner recently went on a podcast and said that the reason there was not a second season of Hawkeye was because they offered him half as much as for the first season.  He said "I’m sorry? Why? Did you think I’m only half the Jeremy? Because I got ran over? Maybe that’s why you want to pay me half of what I made on the first season." And this is an incredible reaction. Renner getting run over by a snowplow and surviving is a blessing in itself, but having such a solid "fuck you, pay me" in his pocket for the rest of his life is the cherry on top. This is a man who will never be seated at a shitty table at a restaurant ever again. Nobody wants to be the next person accused of thinking he's only half the Jeremy. 

Robert De Niro's adult daughter Airyn recently came out as trans, and De Niro subsequently came out as not an asshole. Speaking to Variety, De Niro said "I loved and supported Aaron as my son, and now I love and support Airyn as my daughter. I don't know what the big deal is. I love all my children." It's wild that we live in times where a statement like, "I love my children" is worthy of praise, but we do, so it is. Other trans children of famous people should be so lucky.

In other happy news for the LGBTQIAs, lesbian-next-door Kristen Stewart recently wed her longtime love Dylan Meyer. Based on what I can tell from the blurry paparazzi pictures, she did not brush her hair for the occasion. God, she is cool.  

How to Not Have Fun

An original new musical based on (alleged) CEO killer and internet darling Luigi Mangione is set to open next month in San Francisco, and tickets for its run are already sold out. That news of the selling out is how I learned of the musical's existence at all, which is really mean! Reading the headline I was like this: "Luigi Mangione Musical -" 😮☺️💸💸💸"-Is Sold Out." 😮😭💔💔💔 

Six Flags announced that it will be closing two of its amusement parks after this year, and I would like to say: GOOD. Roller coasters are too big now and when parks like that exist, parents have to take their children to them and get headaches. I was recently at Universal Studios with my child and we rode all the rides and they were fun, but we saw that they are mid-construction on a new roller coaster that looks very scary, especially in its current state when it's missing a lot of important components, and we can see that the earth beneath it doesn't seem all that solid; she says she wants to go back when it's done, and I'm going to have to come up with a lie for why we can't. So, smell you later, Six Flags. You loop-de-looped too close to the sun.

Speaking of rides, this story is one: A Japanese college student had to be rescued after getting stuck hiking on Mt. Fuji, and THEN he had to be rescued AGAIN because he forgot his phone on the mountain and went back to get it and got stuck a second time. This definitely isn't as disgusting as the lady who fell into an outhouse trying to get her phone, but it's still pretty embarrassing. Come to think of it, outhouse lady really did a solid for humanity by falling in for her phone. Now everybody else who does something dumb to retrieve their phone gets to be like, "hey, at least I didn't fall into an outhouse." 

Local Trash

I recently saw pickle hummus at Freddie's and posted it to my stories, and only one of my friends said "yum," which is how I know none of my friends are really big stoners anymore. Then I saw this article in Eater and learned that pickles are a whole vibe with young people these days, kinda maybe like how bacon was for millennials. Top Chef just did a pickle challenge, and Popeye's has a whole-ass pickled section on their menu. You know, the article didn't really need to spell out that the snacks are a Gen Z thing—if they were pushing these to people over 40, they'd come with a bag of Tums for our subsequent heartburn. Vinegar-based snacks are a young man's game. 

In other local news, The Washington Post wrote a whole thing about how screwed the Pacific Northwest will be when the inevitable earthquake/tsunami combo comes for us, but the bulk of the horror is behind a paywall... so I'm just chillin', not a care in the world. 

Okay, goodbye! It's the first Monday in May which means MET GALA day! This year's theme is Black Dandyism, which could go very poorly and I am damn near salivating for the fashion content and for the dragging of millionaires whose fucked up the theme. Enjoy your screens, and enjoy the sunshine! 

Fashionably,