Hi babies, and welcome back to the Trash Report! This is the last week of school for families in the area, which means the days of "I can't wait 'til summer" will soon give way to "what are we doing today" and "can you text _____'s mom for a playdate" and "when does school start again?" But enough about my human child; I must first focus on my internet children, i.e. all of you. Let's gossip.

The Girls are Fighting

Thursday's web-based meltdown between former besties Donald Trump and Elon Musk was a thing of beauty to behold. We all knew it was coming and it was so, so satisfying. That afternoon was Trump-got-COVID levels of fun on the internet. I quit Twitter a couple years ago because of Musk, and while I felt pretty smug for having done so, I am grateful for the heroes who stuck it out and could screenshot all the pettiness to share with us quitters on Instagram and Bluesky. 

 

The two reportedly arrived at a fragile truce over the weekend and Musk even deleted the tweets about Trump being in the Epstein files (like we would ever forget that he said that). Politico had a quote from a Trump aide saying, "He's stopped posting, but that doesn't mean he's happy." Listen: we would never, ever think that not posting = happy. These men don't post because they feel a certain way; they post because they must post; the absence of posting is not indicative of an emotion, but rather that something is preventing them from posting. Also, isn't it nice to know that Trump isn't happy? We deserve all of this.

Goon Squads

Down in Los Angeles, protesters have been out in numbers in response to ICE raids swooping up undocumented people at their places of employment. In response, with the obvious intention of escalating the situation, Trump called in the National Guard. They've used flash grenades and tear gas to disperse crowds and I don't know about you guys, but this feels very Portland-coded to me. 

Going back to the thing about Trump and Elon—I told you, I freaking love the story—Trump ally and Musk-hater Steve Bannon said that he wanted Musk deported based on violating his initial student visa years ago. We don't like Steve Bannon or weaponized deportations, but this? This is interesting. It's a classic "The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Great Point" situation. The Venn diagram people protesting the ICE goon squads in LA and the people who would be partying in the street if Elon Musk were to be deported is a circle, and that's okay! The left honestly needs a little bit of hypocrisy. The Republicans are huge hypocrites, and they win, so maybe that is the one simple trick?

Relationship News

JoJo Siwa has been real public about her nascent relationship with UK Celebrity Big Brother costar Chris Hughes, following several years of her dating women and identifying as a lesbian. I'm not one to knock bisexuality, but this thing felt fishy to me, so I did what any hyper-online person would do and stayed up far too late one night learning everything I could about Chris Hughes. Apparently he got his start on another reality show and for the past decade his job has just been "be on TV," and then it made more sense, as her job is also TV; two individual celebrities we don't care about can quickly become a couple that we weirdly do care about, which I want to deny except for the fact that I've spent several hours of my one precious life studying them. Another new couple alert: Billie Eilish was spotted smooching actor and musician Nat Wolff, who is a man. And hey, is it homophobic that both Jojo Siwa and Billie Eilish launched their heterosexual relationships during Pride month? 

In other straight news, on-again/off-again couple Chris Martin and Dakota Johnson are now reportedly permanently off, which I am not buying for a second. She's got a new movie coming out co-starring beloved heartthrobs Pedro Pascal and Chris Evans, and we like thinking that stars who smooch on-screen will smooch off-screen as well (see: Sydney Sweeney and Glen Powell). Also, Martin told the crowd at a concert to go see Materialists, and exes don't just tell crowds at a concert to go see a movie. They're trying to put butts in seats. Mark my words. 

Movie News (In Song!)

Corporations may be shying away from overt support of Pride, but celebration can come in many forms, and that includes new theatrical trailers for TWO movie musicals in one week: Wicked: For Good, and Kiss of the Spider Woman, and I'm excited for both. I'm excited for the next Wicked because that team knows how to dazzle on the red carpet, and I bet they'll pull out all the stops for the final leg. I'm excited for KOTSW because it stars Jennifer Lopez and she is eating up the screen in the trailer. The trailer also says it's "the best movie musical in years," which is a hilarious statement to make in a culture that has been dominated by Wicked. Just say it's good! We can like two musicals at once! (Polyamory can expand to include film.) Anyway, J. Lo is getting early Oscar buzz. She won't win—next year is Cynthia's—but I do hope Ben Affleck feels like a horse's ass for blowing it.

And this isn't a movie, but it goes with the singing: Mariah Carey is releasing a new album and it's supposedly a pop banger and I love that for us. I also love that there's a lyric that goes "then came in three hatin' ass hoes / they don't know the meaning of water or soap / I don't have time for the rigamarole." She gives us new music, she gives us a mystery to solve (who are the three hoes?!?!), AND she gives us a new/old fun word to start saying all the time?! I'm sorry but how can society actually collapse when all of us are just starting to say rigamarole. It simply can't happen.

Local Trash

Oregon-raised actress, comedian, and podcaster Jana Schmieding will star in new NBC sitcom about life in a Native American community center. Also, the next season of Love Island USA will feature a woman who graduated from high school in Medford. Look at us churning out new famous people! If LA is going to take our crown as a protester-filled liberal hellscape, Oregon will have to become the premier breeding ground for stars. 

Our time has come to an end, my friends. I hope you have an excellent week, and if you haven't had an Otter Pop since you were a small child, I recommend rectifying that immediately. Love yous. 

Starringly,