What's up, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I'm your girl Elinor Jones, currently not bunkered in our not-hellish city. I recently got my quarterly botox injections and it's unfortunate timing because I'm not supposed to frown until all the botulism settles around my brow, but there is so much to frown about! Thankfully, I do not get botox around my mouth, so I guess we'll just have to laugh about it all instead.
*extreme Jersey Shore voice* Feds are Here!
Trump appears to be following through on his threat to send his goon squad to Portland to quash protests that were not really happening and then caused protests to manifest. I hope everyone is safe and the feds are having a bad time in Portland. It's almost unfair that we had such gorgeous weather over the weekend, because when they were off the clock they were probably just strolling around the waterfront, having a really nice time. Like by signing up for the modern-day American gestapo they got a free trip to a beautiful American city? Really unfair!
Governor Tina Kotek tried to talk Trump down, but he's really got it in his head that "antifa" must be stopped. Anyone else remember the movie Stand and Deliver about Edward James Olmos teaching math to Lou Diamond Phillips? A negative times a negative is a positive; anti-antifa is just fa(scist.) (Also, I love the photo the Willamette Week used for their piece about the phone call; it's very like, you wanna mess with Portland? Good luck getting through all these no-nonsense lesbians! [They're not even all lesbians, but that is the vibe and it's beautiful.])
And Other Visits
In other business, Trump visited the UK last week and the picture of him shaking hands with King Charles was enough to make me want to put my phone down until that news cycle ended. These are the two grossest hands in politics, and the image of their stubby, swollen tentacles mashing into each other looked like what it must be like when cocktail weenies get shrink-wrapped into their plastic packaging. Just like a bunch of swollen, slippery digits cascading over each other, and it makes the scheeewwp sucking sound and the air smells like hot dogs. That's what it was like.
A few days later, Trump and Melania were caught arguing on board Marine One. Photographers captured him gesticulating angrily through the windows, and while helicopter windows are small, his hands are smaller, so we got a pretty good image out of it. Melania picked the wrong day to not wear a giant hat that covered her face. She could have just Billy Portered out of the conversation, like
Let's Change the Subject: LOVE!
Pop goddesses Selena Gomez got married over the weekend to producer Benny Blanco. Mazel! Fellow pop goddess Lana Del Rey also shared a ton of wedding photos, but it turns out that was in honor of her one-year wedding anniversary with her alligator-wrangler husband. Mazel... but also, kind of weird? The excess of wedding photos on my celebrity gossip blogs confused me into thinking that they were both getting married on the same day, which would have meant mutual celebrity friends like Taylor Swift and Jack Antanoff would have had to choose which wedding to attend, and it would have been a real-life version of the not-very-good movie Bride Wars. But no. I'm glad Benny Blanco did not alter his charming unibrow for his special day. I'm not glad that Mr. Alligator took Lana for a boat ride around the swamps in their wedding gear, because he had long sleeves and she had short sleeves and I bet there were so many mosquitoes. That would have been an immediate divorce for me, but I hope they are happy.
More love: Rihanna and A$AP Rocky announced the birth of their third child, a girl named Rocki. I'm having a hard time reconciling my joy for their joy with how badly I want another Rihanna album, and I feel like now she's just way too busy and it ain't gonna happen.
Other Celebrity Updates
Actor Chord Overstreet went on fellow former Glee co-star Jane Lynch's podcast recently and revealed that he once posed naked for Playgirl, but his publicist caught wind of it and the issue never saw the light of day. He seems not at all embarrassed about it or scared that the pictures would ever leak, and because this is all sounding very consensual, I'm going to need for the pictures to leak. He seems like a very nice person who deserves some attention, is all. I'm not weird for thinking this.
Speaking of going pantless, Halle Berry has charmed all of our pants off by showing off her foster kittens on Instagram. Apparently kittens keep showing up in her yard—she's adopted some, and is helping with vet care for the others—and she lays the blame at the feet of an unneutered tomcat on her block that won't stop "laying pipe," and I never would have thought it possible to hear cat sex described in such a dirty way. Give this woman another Oscar. Just for this.
Movie News
While doing press for a new movie, Matthew McConnaughey talked about how he and his mom did not talk much for several years, because whenever he'd tell her something, she'd go blabbing all over town about it and then his business would end up in the tabloids. This is the same woman who revealed that she fucked Matthew's dad to death à la Lady Mary in Downton Abbey. So I say, let the woman talk! She's a blast.
(Also, the new McConnaughey movie is about a schoolteacher who saves a bunch of children on a bus trying to escape a fire, and that it's called The Lost Bus and not Speed: Babies is such a wasted opportunity.)
I'd been hearing about the sequel to a Spaceballs movie for a while, and I kind of tuned it out because not everything needs a sequel, UNTIL I read that Rick Moranis is going to be a part of it and I got to feeling all kinds of ways, all of which are good. Rick Moranis may be Canadian, but he is still an American Treasure.
Canada and Sharks
Using Rick Moranis to segue to this article from the Oregonian: "Canadians and other International Tourists shun Oregon This Summer." Yeah, okay but like, it's not Oregon's fault? Everybody is shunning America! This is not an Oregon problem. But I do love that the article uses a picture of cheese curds from the Tillamook Cheese Factory, like oh wow, the Canadians who are not visiting, despite us having all of these cheese curds! Like they are little mice we want to lure into a trap.
And in shark news, scientists recently filmed some sharks in a threesome. Gizmodo called it a win for science, and is it? Or is it a win for people who have run out of pornography?
On that note, I am going to be done with this column for today. Thank you for spending this time with me when you could be doing literally anything else. And you know, a blessing of the stupid authoritarian incursion into our city is that everyone took to social media to mock descriptions of Portland as "hell" by showing their exceedingly pleasant lives, and it made me so happy and grateful to see you all hot and thriving. 💞 Keep it up.
Hot and thriving,
