Hi! Welcome back to the Trash Report, your latest spin on news and gossip and whatever other stories were optimized to land in one of my feeds in a way that compelled me to say "hmm, I bet I could write something funny about that." Isn't it interesting that the stories that work best for The Trash Report are the ones that come about on the nights I'm not in charge of my child's bedtime and get a quiet hour to stare at my small rectangle with a glass of wine? It's a science, this writing thing. 

Let's see what the algos have given us this week, okay?

Federal Trash

The federal government has been shut down for nearly two weeks because the Democrats have finally realized that there is zero benefit to compromising with Republicans and are refusing to pass a budget unless healthcare subsidies are back in it. And Republicans—who control the House, Senate, and White House, mind you—are trying to make it seem like Democrats' fault, going so far as having puppy murderer Kristi Noem make a video to be shown at TSA checkpoints in airports. For our part, PDX has not been showing the propaganda. The Port of Portland says it's because we don't run political spots, but I think it's because they know how much her shitty commentary would ruin the vibe of people trying to take pictures of their feet. 

And what is Trump doing to take proactive leadership to bring both sides together to a compromise that would help Americans? Well, he went for a very normal second annual physical of the year, because that is what healthy people do! That he does this on our dime while willfully making healthcare worse for the rest of us is just like, you guys! I don't think he is a very good president at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dying at rightwingers falling for what looks like an ai generated turning points USA half time show with special guest “measles”

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— onion person (@junlper.beer) October 12, 2025 at 3:31 PM

Back to the shutdown: MAGA (Make America Goosed Again) loyalist Marjorie Taylor Greene broke with the party by saying that, hang on, perhaps the government should not make healthcare more expensive! It's weird when the wrong people say the right things. It's like when food at the Olive Garden tastes good. You scratch your head for a second and go, well.............. sure, okay.

Feuds!

Rosie O'Donnell recently reignited her decades-old feud with Elisabeth Hasselbeck by suggesting that Hasselbeck had been prepped by The View producers to get argumentative with Rosie. Hasselbeck didn't like it and proposed burying the hatchet with Rosie the way normal people do: by asking Rosie to come over to swim in her pool. The difference between middle-aged millionaires and 8-year-old children is invisible most times. At the end of the day, we all just want to swim in a pool. 

Meanwhile, Charli XCX seemingly stoked her maybe-feud with Taylor Swift by wearing a Kansas City T-shirt at her surprise SNL appearance over the weekend. Kansas City is far too random a place to be like, whoops, I accidentally just grabbed this one shirt that says Kansas City on it. It'd be like her coincidentally wearing Elizabeth Taylor cosplay, or an elaborate showgirl costume. So, Charli put out something kind of like a diss track on brat with "Girl So Confusing" and then Lorde showed up to work it out on the remix, and I think Taylor and Charli are far too adept with business to not be strategizing this exact outcome right now. There will be a collab in 2026 and I will have called it. 

Some People Don't Deserve to Kiss a Spiderwoman!

Jennifer Lopez is starring in the film adaptation of Kiss of a Spider Woman and her two-times-ex Ben Affleck appeared with her at the premiere. At first I was so excited about the possibility of "Bennifer Round 3," but after reflecting on this for two seconds I was livid that my immediate takeaway from this icon doing this huge movie that is unlike anything she's ever done before was "oooh, a boy was there!" Shame on all of us, but most of all, shame on him!! Leave her alone, Ben Affleck! Let her have this press cycle to herself! 

In other pop star romantic news, Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau are apparently actually still happening, and they even made it yacht-official. The Daily Mail pictures are behind a pay wall and I'm not doing it, but the description from E! News says that she is wearing a swimsuit and he's shirtless and in jeans. Not only is wearing jeans on a boat psychotic, but those outfits don't even go together! This PR relationship is extremely entertaining, but there are definitely some kinks to work out. 

As we Live and Die

Country music and humanitarian legend Dolly Parton did NOT die last week. Her sister posted some cryptic "pray for Dolly" shit on her socials, so everybody got needlessly freaked out. Then Dolly posted her own response to say, "I ain't dead yet." Apparently the current health issue was a kidney stone which isn't even that big of a deal, and a weird thing to ask for prayers about? It feels like less a call to action and more of a backhanded overshare. If this sister had a Facebook account in her late teens, she would have put a "pray for _____" every time some frenemy was rumored to have an STI. What a mess. Love her.  

But an actual celebrity death that I was not ready for: actress Diane Keaton passed away over the weekend at the age of 79. This is so sad! The only silver lining is that Page Six reported that her disgusting ex Woody Allen has been "extremely distraught," and him feeling bad makes me feel good. In Diane's honor, tomorrow I will wear nicely fitting trousers instead of whatever synthetic athleisure is closest to my hands when I need to leave the house. (I almost said I would try to dress nice today, but I'm writing this on a rainy Sunday afternoon and had to be honest; her fashion legacy is strong, but not THAT strong.)

Sweet Treats!

Tyra Banks has launched a "hot ice cream" in Australia. Does anyone else think that everything sounds like a throwaway line from 30 Rock? Well, this one is real life. The hot ice cream is—you guessed it—melted ice cream. This is famously the same thing stars use to bulk up for roles and how nice that Austin Butler and Christian Bale will have a celebrity-sponsored treat to go to the next time they're chasing an Oscar.  

While Tyra Banks is making something cold into something hot, Jeff Bridges is taking something bad and reverting it to something cold: he appeared as The Dude on Jimmy Kimmel to tell ICE to "get off our streets and into our beverages." It's such an important point. What a horrible thing they did with that acronym. Ice, the frozen water, is a good thing. ICE, the modern-day Gestapo, is bad. I think they should be rebranded as Bureau of American Dickheads (BAD) or American Shitty Stooges (ASS).

dying at rightwingers falling for what looks like an ai generated turning points USA half time show with special guest “measles”

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— onion person (@junlper.beer) October 12, 2025 at 3:31 PM

On that highly intellectual note, I am going to go back to my business. I may have talked a lot of shit today, but I hope it's clear that this was all done to entertain all of you, my very best friends. I think that being a little bit of a snot will make you happy, thus yielding a net positive on Global Vibes. Thank you for reading. Love you.

Kindly,