Hi, and welcome to the Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones. This is going to be a lot of commentary on a LOT of nonsense, and thanks to Ralph Nader, I can tell you to buckle up, and you'll be able to (albeit metaphorically with this column, although you could also do so literally while driving in a car. Imagine if we didn't get seatbelts in the '70s and somebody tried to get them off the ground now? It would straight up not happen.) Let's go!

Good News? In This Economy? Seems Fake, but Okay.

Many of us libbed out so hard this past week with the New York City mayoral victory of Democratic Socialist Zohran Mamdani, as well as huge wins for statewide races in Virginia and New Jersey. It's so exciting!! Turns out having a plan for things to suck shit less is a winning position. Who'd have thought, besides literally every young person? Even Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, who declined to endorse Mamdani throughout the race, eventually had to snivel through a congratulatory post. I guess sometimes the writing on the wall is written large enough that even the stubborn old men can read it. 

Elsewhere in the gerontocracy, Nancy Pelosi finally retired after four decades in Congress, and former Vice President Dick Cheney straight up died. When Zohran said it's time for a new generation of leaders, he fucking meant it. 

Meanwhile, habitual MRI-haver Donald Trump put a sign up outside the Oval Office that says "The Oval Office." Hey, it's totally normal for healthy-brained people to put a sign up outside of their work reminding them of where their work is! But the curvy gold font makes it look like the signage outside of a bougie hotel's spa. It's giving Epstein.

News Briefs

Really quickly, because I want to get to celebrity gossip. but some other things have been simply too fun:

Remember the Louvre heist? Yes, of course you do, because it has been an incredible thing that happened in a timeline that has primarily sucked ass. Anyway, as questions have swirled in the aftermath about how such a brazen robbery could have taken place, a worker from the Louvre reported that the security password at the Louvre was... you guessed it: "Louvre." And I bet those robbers were fully ready, if "Louvre" had not given them the tiaras, to try "Louvre!" or "Louvre69" and one of those would have worked, 1000 percent. 

(A bonus thing I like about the Louvre heist is that I have typed "Louvre" dozens of times in the past few weeks and now I can spell it confidently, and it feels so goddamn chic. Like, could I get away with wearing a beret?! I feel like I could!)

Also, the man who threw a Subway sandwich at Federal officers in Washington D.C. earlier this year was acquitted of the felony charges brought against him after several hours, that included lunch—which consisted of sandwiches, obviously. Anyway, that jury put the "deli" in deliberation. 😎

Couple Alerts!

Former Sansa Stark Sophie Turner is apparently now dating Coldplay frontman Chris Martin. That is a huge get, for both of them! For Sophie, it means that she can be at least as serious an actress as Gwyneth Paltrow and Dakota Johnson. For Chris Martin, it means that he will forever be able to captivate ethereal actresses with perfect bone structure in their late 20s. 

Less cute is whatever is happening with Sydney Sweeney and Scooter Braun. The gossip site Pajiba called their coupling a "discourse-creating machine," which is a perfect summation. Sydney Sweeney makes people mad by being blonde and having the tits and being possibly eugenicist; Scooter Braun makes people mad for having bought Taylor Swift's masters when she wanted them. Their pairing is gross enough that they could get clicks without also having to kiss on the rocks where everyone has their pictures taken at Central Park, but they did it anyway. Then I wonder, is it more endearing that they probably waited in line between Japanese engagement photos and aspiring influencers from flyover states to get on these rocks for these photos? And the answer is obviously: kind of!!!?? No... no?

Sexy

People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive has been announced and it is... Jonathan Bailey! Bailey of course became our sweet little cutie for starring as the eldest brother, Anthony, in Bridgerton, but went on to win us over as Fiyero in Wicked. Not only is Bailey the first (openly) gay SMA, he is the first turbo-gay SMA, as evidenced by the accompanying photo shoot in which he pours tea and enjoys a popsicle not just gaily, but GAILY. Congratulations, Jonathan Bailey! If my grandmother was still alive and subscribing to People magazine like she did for at least my entire life, she would have said you were "handsome" and "why is his shirt always wet, he is going to catch cold."

Movies

Jennifer Lawrence went on the podcast Las Culturistas las week and let slip that she is co-producing a Miss Piggy movie with Emma Stone that is being written by Cole Escola, and everybody whose taste is exactly the same as mine had a special itch scratched, akin only to a new lover biting a part of the neck heretofore untouched. How could a single news story be so possibly my jam?

In other movie news, a lot of hubbub has been made about Meghan Markle appearing in a movie called Close Personal Friends that stars Brie Larson and Lily Collins, and is this her big rEtUrn to AcTiNg?! No! She's appearing in this movie as herself. She's not returning to acting; she is staying on camera. This woman hasn't left the public eye in years. No hate, of course—I love a gal who hates the royal family—but this cannot be much harder of a gig than her pretending to be overjoyed by jam on Netflix. 

Local Trash

PDX is on the list of 40 airports nationwide that may face reductions in flights due to the ongoing federal government shutdown. Depending on when you are reading this, I am either 1) on vacation, or 2) trapped in an airport somewhere frantically googling if having TSA pre-check can get me onto one of the limited flights making it off the ground this week, and discovering that it won't, and then crying, and then being secretly glad I'll miss work, but then feeling bad again because I really want to get home.

ANYWAY! Thank you for reading, and thank you for believing there is something better on the other side. 

Purgatorially,