Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! Happy Thanksgiving week! Let me start this column with something I'm thankful for, which is that today's children's aren't fed a lot of horseshit about Pilgrims and colonialism, so I don't have to decorate the house for this holiday, which is one less thing to deal with. This has been a hilarious news week for a change, so let's get to it!

National Trash

Nation's Top Karen Marjorie Taylor Greene announced on Friday that she will resign from Congress on January 5, 2026. My initial thought was: Big plans for January 6th, eh? But no, I 100 percent believe this woman realizes that Trump's brand is sinking and she's merely a rat trying to get off the ship. I'd wager her next move is some Rogan-esque politically confusing podcast that makes her extremely rich(er), but who knows with that weird-o. AOC pointed out that her resignation will take effect just one or two days after she will be vested in her pension, meaning that this woman will be supported by taxpayers until her death no matter what. This has grift written all over it. Don't forget that this woman rose to prominence by harassing teenage victims of mass shootings. 

In other head-scratching news, socialist darling NYC Mayor-Elect Zohran Mamdani met with Trump on Friday and charmed the orange straight off his skin. Seriously, have you ever seen that man look at Elon Musk, or JD Vance, or one of his own sons, with a smile like that? Trump even warmly accepted Mamdani calling him a fascist to his face. Chuck Schumer could never because Chuck Schumer isn't young, hot, and popular. 

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— Goose (@phatcussy.bsky.social) November 21, 2025 at 3:19 PM

The Girls are not Thriving

As Trump was getting wowed by an anti-capitalist, former bestie and extreme capitalist Elon Musk has been training his bot Grok to say he's hotter and smarter than everyone in history and better than Jesus. People are having a field day with it, getting Grok to say things like Elon Musk could drink piss better than any human in history. Curious about what I could get Grok to say, I asked it to tell me who hates Mondays more, Elon Musk or Garfield? The response was interesting: 

Garfield hates Mondays more, and it's not even close.

Garfield's hatred of Mondays is literally his defining personality trait for over 45 years. He's built an entire cultural empire on it. Elon Musk? Sure, he tweets grumpy stuff on Mondays sometimes (like most humans with jobs), but: He works 100+ hour weeks voluntarily; Regularly posts at 3 a.m. about how excited he is to build rockets/AI/cars; Has called weekends "optional" and brags about sleeping on factory floors. Garfield would rather starve than get out of bed on a Monday. Elon would probably colonize Mars early just to avoid a slow Monday morning standup.

I mean, Grok didn't make Elon the winner here, but he did make losing to Garfield the much more embarrassing option. "He can't hate Mondays; he doesn't even have weekends!" Like...okay?!? While not creating code to flex on Jesus, Musk has also been whining about Billie Eilish calling him a "fucking pathetic pussy bitch coward" for hoarding his wealth and potentially becoming the world's first trillionaire. He tweeted, "she's not the sharpest tool in the shed." I'm curious if getting butthurt about celebrities counts towards the 100+ hours a week he works? Or is he doing that in the time he's not parenting his children who hate him?

Elsewhere in the circle of losers in Trump's orbit, rumors are swirling of trouble between JD and Usha Vance. She was photographed recently without her wedding ring. Her excuse was that she is a busy woman who does a lot of dishes and sometimes forgets to put it back on. Yeah. Sure, Jan. If I were the wife of the Vice President, and still having to wash dishes, you bet your ass I wouldn't be putting my wedding ring back on either. Like, ever again. 

Also, RFK Jr's wife Cheryl Hines said that all the public attention on her husband had put a strain on their marriage and on her health, resulting in her seeking hospitalization for stress. Which is interesting, because I would have thought RFK Jr would have had her on a treatment plan of essential oils and grassfed roadkill, or some shit. But how nice that she could get the medical care she felt was appropriate for her situation. If only everybody had that option. 

Ugh, sorry, one more! Nicole Kidman's ex-husband Keith Urban played a cover of Chappell Roan's "Pink Pony Club" at a party at Mar-A-Lago. Doesn't get much more Divorced Guy than that.

Meets Zohran on Friday, dressing like an East Village poet who wrote something called "A Fairest Autumn" by Saturday.

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— Tim Onion (@bencollins.bsky.social) November 22, 2025 at 12:31 PM

Palate Cleansing News!

Yuck, I really mentioned all of the grossest men in the first half of this column, didn't I?! I am so, so sorry! I'm going to do my very best to counter that with some extremely nice news to balance us out. Starting with something that will make people guess my age—plus or minus five years—very happy: former Beverly Hills 90210 co-stars and 90's couple goals Tiffani Amber Thiessen and Brian Austin Green reunited recently at a Sabrina Carpenter concert. While "reunited" might suggest something romantic, they only met up as friends. Still, they both appear very happy and attractive and it's cute that they went to a Sabrina Carpenter concert. I wonder if they didn't work out as a couple because you can't both have three names. It's just too many names. 

I love Only Murders in the Building very much as a show, but I also love that it's resulted in a close friendship between Steve Martin, Martin Short, and Selena Gomez, and that Steve Martin is getting asked about Selena Gomez's wedding on the red carpet. Like, what does a reporter expect an 80-year-old man to say about a wedding? The whole point of having a wedding cake is having something to placate the 80-year-olds and the children when they're bored and ready to leave, so as long as that was good, it was probably a decent Saturday for him. 

Movie News

The new Wicked movie is doing numbers already at the box office, despite mixed reviews. I'm excited to go see it. I have hardly seen any movies in movie theaters this year, and this is one that I want to see large. So while I acknowledge I don't get out much to the movies, I'm still surprised to see articles like this one, that 2025—overall—was a super bad one for movies. Even big ones with big stars like Julia Roberts, Jennifer Lawrence, Sydney Sweeney, or Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson that have been marketed to death, have tanked. I don't know what's stopping everyone else, but you know what it is for me? They're too goddamn long! I don't want the movie to be my ENTIRE day. I want it to be a thing, and then I can go and do other things, like see daylight. Even with all the mid reviews of Wicked: For Good, the best thing I read is that it's shorter than the first one. I already would have gone to see it, but that part got me pumped. 

Speaking of Wicked, Jeff Goldblum's wax figure was just unveiled and it's so good I literally cannot tell which is which. Click through - it's wild.

Weird Girls

Lizzy Caplan went on Penn Badgley's podcast (does freakin' everyone have a podcast? Who is listening to all these??) and talked about her iconic role as Janis in Mean Girls, revealing that the studio initially wanted Kelly Osborne for the role. This is too jarring. This is like knowing Tom Selleck could have been cast as Indiana Jones instead of Harrison Ford, or trying to write with your non-dominant hand. Icky. Uncomfortable. Wrong. 

Local Trash

ICE kidnapped four US citizens in Oregon over the past week including a 17-year-old boy who was on his lunch break from school. Seventeen-years old. A child. Someone's entire universe who was sent off to school like it was any normal day, who shouldn't have been worried because he was born here, and he should have been safe. (I mean, all children should be safe, but you know what I mean.) The boy even said "I'm a citizen," to which the ICE officer said "I don't care." Listen. That was a cool thing for Tommy Lee Jones to say to Harrison Ford when he was preparing to jump off a dam in The Fugitive; it's not a cool thing to say to a terrified kid trying to get a burger before algebra. 

Trash Pandas in the News!

A new report in the Scientific American suggests that raccoons may be showing signs of self-domestication based on their shorter snouts. I didn't know that shorter snouts indicated reliance on humans, did you? This must be why my pug has no snout to speak of. She laughs when I tell her her ancestors were wolves. "Put me on the couch," she snores. Anyway, congratulations, Trash Pandas of America, and you're welcome for all the garbage. And so sorry for intertwining your destiny with ours; we're kind of a mess right now, lol.

On that note, I am signing off for now. Thank you, as always, for reading. All of you will be a feather on my thankful turkey this Thursday, for sure.

Gobble gobble,