Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones and I’m so glad you’re here. My birthday was over the weekend, so you reading this right now is akin to singing me “Happy Birthday”—as in it’s a brief spell of attention that will make both of us feel good. But instead of enjoying cake, we will relish in gossip.
It’s Our Party
You may have heard that it’s America’s 250th birthday this weekend, and there are extravagant celebrations in Washington, DC. You know that thing when somebody throws themself a birthday party, but it feels really forced and honestly kind of depressing because their moment has passed and they really shouldn’t be partying at all anymore? Yeah, that was both me turning 32 and now, America turning 250. The rest of the world is watching us tape flags over our crumbling infrastructure like my friends watched me glop on concealer under my eyes, just like, “girl, are you okay?” One of the centerpieces of the 250th is the Great American State Fair on the National Mall that Trump is, of course, making all about himself with MAGA branding, which is deterring a lot of normal people from wanting to go at all. This is a shame, because few things bring Americans together like deep-fried food on sticks; that giant fair presented an opportunity for some actual unity!
Multiple musical acts backed out of performing at the fair, but FBI Director Kash Patel’s country singer girlfriend Alexis Wilkins stayed on board, and apparently she even got the coveted spot performing the National Anthem. Wilkins insisted she got the gig on her own merits, despite not having a record deal or any fanbase beyond wealthy GOP donors. Totally! And Kash Patel got invited into the men’s hockey locker room at the Olympics because he’s a chill guy to have a beer with.
We’ll Cry if We Want To
A new poll shows that America’s global popularity is the lowest it’s ever been (so far!), and Trump is also the least popular president ever. Those birthday party planners are going to have to cut back on the chairs or that shindig is going to look more dismal than Trump’s inaugurations, or Trump Jr’s last wedding.
The folks who make it to DC will have to navigate construction equipment and barricades as whatever parts of the country Trump hasn’t destroyed are currently barred from public view for being a mess, like the reflecting pool in front of the Washington Monument. Trump, obviously lying, is trying to blame protesters for the pool’s sorry state. Meanwhile, actual protesters are actually fucking up a Trump development, but way over in Albania: Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump have been trying to build a luxury tourist development on a protected island, and locals are not having it. The response is so fierce it could legit oust the Albanian Prime Minister who has been working with Kushner. The movement has been dubbed “the Flamingo Revolution.” Imagine being brought down by some gangly, pink, freaky-necked, knob-kneed shrimp slurpers. And then there’s the flamingos!
Summer Dining
Related, Food Network Icon Ina Garten shared her 4th of July menu and it includes cookout classics like potato salad, corn, and of course, the American flag cake, decorated with stripes of red and blue berries. What if we start a new tradition this year called “American Flag Blue Cake,” inspired by the color Trump tried to make the reflecting pool? It’d be an easy cake to make, because it would just be a big rectangle covered in chunks.
The Drink of the Summer Is…
According to Olivia Rodrigo, the drink of this summer is a vodka cran. This is great news for anyone who is too lazy to pee after sex—now you can have your cocktails fight the UTIs for you! And your bartenders will love you for ordering something that takes two seconds to make, thus increasing the likelihood of your bartender falling in love with you, and you getting to have the sex that the vodka cran will address. It’s a perfect ecosystem.
The Show of the Summer Is…
The final season of modern kitchen horror comedy The Bear is finally out, and I expect it to finally answer some of the show’s long-running questions: Will Syd finally step into the spotlight? Will Richie ever forgive Carmy? Will Carmy’s white T-shirt sleeves lose their battle against his biceps? Most importantly, is yelling a flavor? I know I will be tuning in to find out!
Speaking of restaurants, but a real one: the restaurant chain Red Lobster is attempting to cling to relevance—not through items that people enjoy, like popcorn shrimp and biscuits, but with an intangible data concept that people hate: Artificial Intelligence. The new CEO claims it will make Red Lobster the “most AI-forward” chain ever. Forget that “when you’re here, you’re family” kind of crap; the new tagline can be “when you’re here, you’re training our iterative models to maximize capital for our investors.” Homey!
The Song of the Summer Is…
Nothing! CNN said that we don’t get one this year. Our reliance on our algos has fractured the pop culture monoculture experience, so that nobody is listening to the same stuff at the same time like we used to. In fact, Taylor Swift’s wedding to Travis Kelce might just be the last thing we all pay attention to. Next up is sectarian violence. Really wish we went out on a better album than Life of a Showgirl.
The Vacation of the Summer Is…
Not Europe, where it’s been over 100 degrees already this year. King Charles, ever a man of the people, has dealt with the temps by having somebody follow him around all day with his own motorized fan. The only other rich guy I can think of who had someone on staff just to carry around a comfort item was P. Diddy with his umbrella handler, so if that’s the look the King is going for, he’s nailing it. He already has the close-association-with-pedophiles thing going for him.
Home Run!
I have learned that there is new slang for sex from the reality show Love Island, and it involves food. Apparently “french fries” is a new term referring to doing more than smooching, but less than sex, and like, isn’t that what bases are for? Do they not teach young people about baseball anymore?! French fries is already used on a perfect item (fried potatoes) and I don’t want its search results muddied by reality show deviancy in this way. If this takes off we’ll have to go back to calling them “freedom fries” and then the terrorists really will have won.
Deliciously yours,
