Hello, Trash Pandas! Welcome to another Trash Report. I am the garbage mother, Elinor Jones, here to regale you with gossip and the news. Or rather, my thoughts on gossip and the news, which are much more fun. Pour some sparkling water into that chardonnay and add a couple of ice cubes to keep her cold, because we’re going to be here a minute.
National Trash
This headline: “Kash Patel did ‘VIP Snorkel’ at Pearl Harbor.” At first read I understood this to mean that FBI Director Kash Patel was in Hawaii and did some elite type of cocaine known as the “VIP Snorkel” at the national historic site Pearl Harbor. No, it turns out he went actual snorkeling at Pearl Harbor, which is somehow much worse. Getting lobbed up on booger sugar at a venerated site is just another day at the office for Patel, but snorkeling a mass grave is really crossing some professional and ethical boundaries. (I do think we should make “VIP snorkel” a thing, though. Anybody do drugs? Here’s a freebie on me.)
Remember when Rudy Giuliani was the biggest buffoon in Trump’s orbit? Well, he almost died of pneumonia last week, and then he reminded us of why he’d held that esteemed title for so long. Giuliani said on his webshow that while he was dying, he had a “significant spiritual experience.” I thought for sure this was going to be a Kesha-fucking-a-ghost type spiritual situation, but Giuliani’s experience was just that he dreamt he was facing down St. Peter for judgment. Suuuuure. Judgment on how bad Giuliani wanted to fuck that dream ghost!
And finally, Marco Rubio was photographed wearing the same Nike sweatsuit that former Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro was wearing when he was arrested back in January, yet Rubio wearing it in the harsh light of day is so much less cool than Maduro wearing it with bedhead, cuffs, and a blindfold. You can’t teach cool. Rubio doesn’t have it.
Celebritics
Usually I start these columns by talking about actual news and then transition to celebrity news, and boy, do I have the perfect transition story for today! Former reality star Spencer Pratt is still running for mayor of Los Angeles, which had seemed kind of cute when we still liked him from grifting off the wildfires to make money for his wife’s crystal business, but now it’s gross because it’s gaining traction. David Foster holsted a fundraiser for Pratt in his home last week, where his wife, actress Katharine McPhee, even sang with “Simply the Best.”
Sky Hell
Former Newlyweds who aren’t even Newlydivorceds anymore (it’s been like 20 years) Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey bumped into one another on a recent flight to Hawaii, and then Nick took it upon himself to tell Andy Cohen that Jessica was in first class while her kids were back in coach. Yeah, and? Her kids don’t have their name on a billion dollar shoe company. They don’t work. Also, there is not anything wrong with a mom chilling in first class while her kids are in coach. Lest we forget that the greatest mother in all of cinematic history, Catherine O’Hara in Home Alone, traveled in first class while her children were in coach! We still love that fictitious woman! If you drag Jessica Simpson for this you cannot watch Home Alone ever again, full stop. Let Jessica Simpson live.
In other sky news, a beagle named Merla recently busted a man traveling to the United States from Thailand with 100 contraband pork sandwiches. They said that her reward for a job well done was some dog treats and not the pork sandwiches, but I don’t believe them, just like I don’t believe cops when they say that they turn in all the contraband cash and coke. And I mean, click through to look at her picture; it even looks just like when cops spread the drugs and guns out on the table to take a picture after a raid. Y’all know Merla took a taste.
Love Is in the Toilet
Metaphorically: Pete Davidson and Elsie Hewitt broke up last week, just five months after the birth of their daughter, allegedly because it all happened so fast and they didn’t know each other that well. This is a case where both parties needed a friend to ask that age-old question: “Are you really in love or is that person just tall and skinny?”
Literally: Reflecting on her long and lasting marriage to Tom Hanks, Rita Wilson revealed what she believed had made it work for all these years: “shared bathrooms.” She said, “It’s where you download everything; it’s where you laugh about what you’re doing.” I’m sure she means download, like debrief the day, and laugh about what you’re doing, as in like the larger sense, but it really does read like she’s referring to pooping as “downloading,” and then laughing about doing the pooping as it’s happening, right alongside her husband, Academy Award winner Tom Hanks. This is some freaky business. More like Tom Stanks.
Styles on Styles
Harry Styles is in the news for many reasons, including, apparently, having “the worst celebrity photo of all time“:
Sure, it’s a stupid picture, but it’s not the worst of all time. It’s fun! And memorable! He’s wearing the look, but the look isn’t wearing him, you know? More importantly, this is why it is important that we older millennials remain active on the internet: We may not be proud of it, but we were on here when Perez Hilton was on the scene, and we remember when saying a celebrity looked bad in a picture actually meant something. (By the way, if you can draw Lindsay Lohan passed out in the front seat of a car from memory, it’s probably time to schedule a mammogram.)
Speaking of fashion, Julia Fox talked to Betsey Johnson about personal style, and her recommendation is “don’t overthink.” It makes sense that this is her approach, seeing as how one of her most iconic looks was wearing just underwear to the grocery store. She really didn’t overthink that one. Didn’t think about pants, didn’t think about a shirt. Didn’t think about most things.
Great British Race-Off
Celebrity cooking judge Paul Hollywood was pulled over for driving 100 miles per hour and bullying other drivers while rushing his sick cat to the vet. Isn’t that an interesting sentence? Really takes a turn. It starts out so douchey, but by the end it’s very charming and excusable. Go as fast as you want, Paul. It’s okay when it’s for a cat.
Local Trash
Portland found a new point of airport pride this week with the unveiling of the new escalators down to baggage claim. This was a news story! New escalators at the airport! I love this for us. We freakin’ love our airport. Imagine explaining that to somebody from Dallas. “It’s a point of civic pride and it’s honestly quite pleasant.” They’d think you were fucking with them, like when you try to convince visitors that Couch really is pronounced Cooch.
In other local news, the Mercury’s new music issue is on the streets! The cover is so pretty. I had nothing to do with it (aside from writing a cute Trash Report), but if you see one you should pick one up so that when other people see you walking around carrying it, they’ll know you’re cool because you support local music and local journalism. And, most importantly, local trash.
Locally,
