ERIC ISSELÉE, SLAVEN VLASIC / GETTY IMAGES; SNL

Hi, everyone! I’m sincerely glad you’re taking time to read this biweekly documentation of one woman’s descent into madness. But we’re not dead... so that’s... something? Every day we’re not dead is one more middle finger to all those yahoos in charge. Hey, yahoos! We’re still here! Yes, “here” might be a large pillow fort containing nothing but our weeping earthly beings and a jar of frosting, but that doesn’t matter. We’re here, and we’re gonna give it our best shot.


Sweet, Sweet Fantasy, Baby

Let’s start off with a juicy scenario involving MATH and TAXES! Hubba hubba! Okay, so remember Ja Rule? He voiced the less-good parts of his chart-topping 2001 single featuring Ashanti, “Always on Time.” Mr. Rule has had some trouble with the law in recent years, because you know what wasn’t always on time? His taxes. (Zing!) He was sentenced to 28 months in 2011 for failing to pay $1.1 million to Uncle Sam. In related news, an in-depth piece in the New York Times last week revealed that the overripe pumpkin currently serving as our nation’s president (even though he lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) was sneakily gifted $413 million by his father to fund his tacky ’80s and ’90s business ventures. Here’s some math: If that $413 million was taxed as wages, and we assume a 35 percent tax rate, Trump should have paid around $144 million on it. Following the tax-evasion-to-time-in-jail ratio established by Ja Rule, Trump should serve 306 years in jail for this con alone. Never gonna happen, of course, but isn’t it a nice thought? 306 years. Mmm.


Who’s NOT Kidnapping?

American Ambassador to the European Clurb Scene Lindsay Lohan is in the news again for something real, real bad. Like wayyyyy worse than the clip of her dancing (?) in Greece. (Please Google this if you haven’t already; it is insane. But not as insane as this next part.) LiLo tried to kidnap two Syrian refugee children who were living on the street with their mom. She put the whole bad idea on Instagram, as if it demonstrated something altruistic. It’s super messed up! That said, it’s a little hard to throw stones from here in America, where we currently have 13,000 immigrant children locked up in cages, including children that we forcibly separated from their parents. The New York Times reported recently that the children are being shuffled about in the dead of night and relocated to tent cities near the Mexico border. Here’s some more math for you: The United States government is effectively doing what was merely attempted by the equivalent of 6,500 LiLos.


Bros in Different Area Codes

Brett Kavanaugh never physically touched me, but the twists and turns of his hearings have done some pretty major damage to my life and mental health. I love the phrase “it’s all downhill from here!” because it can be used to mean that things can only get easier, or things are getting much, much worse. In my last column I had a little bit of hope that in the hours between my deadline and our paper hitting the streets, something good would happen. I no longer feel that way. We’re on a downhill-in-a-bad-way trajectory, with no signs of slowing. I’ll bet that by the time you’re holding this sleek alt-biweekly, you’ll be doing so while standing on the burning embers of our republic. In addition to ruining important things, like our cherished democratic institutions and my brain, confirmed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh is also ruining stuff I enjoy saying, such as “I like beer” and “we’re loud, obnoxious drunks with prolific pukers among us.” Now what am I supposed to lead my Thanksgiving toast with?!

And who did those darlings at Saturday Night Live use to portray Kavanaugh? Why, none other than Matt Damon, a man who’d stood by Harvey Weinstein through the 1990s and tried to wash his hands of Weinstein’s crimes with a “I knew I wouldn’t want him married to anyone close to me. But that was the extent of what we knew, you know?” Just because Damon is a square-jawed white guy who can do an impression of another square-jawed white guy doesn’t mean we forgot. In this very same episode, Ariana Grande’s fiancé Pete Davidson joked about hiding her birth control pills so he could impregnate her against her will. Jesus Christ, SNL! What’s the matter with you?! Read the goddamn room! Now, we may be tempted to forgive them, because Awkwafina was the following week’s host and she’s the bee’s knees—but did anyone else notice her Instagram of the show’s host and musical guest roster? How her name was nestled in between two white male hosts (Adam Driver and Seth Meyers) and that the three musical guests for those episodes are also all men? I noticed. I’m not sure how everyone came to rely on SNL for the best, sharpest take on whatever’s happening in American culture (that’s what this column is for!) but they’re doing a bad job.


Grab Your Passport and My Hoof

According to the Oregonian, Alaska Airlines has revised its rules on service and support animals and ALL FLIGHTS WILL NOW INCLUDE MINIATURE HORSES! Hang on, I only skimmed the article, lemme double check that.... Okay, I’m back, and I’ve got an unfortunate clarification: They’ll only allow miniature horses that are trained service animals. However! The article also says that an average of 150 service animals fly Alaska every day. So they’re saying there’s a chance!

Speaking of beloved small things appearing in unlikely places, Mischa “Marissa Cooper” Barton will be on The Hills when it reboots next year! Putting her on the roster along with original players like Heidi, Spencer, Audrina, and Justin Bobby doesn’t make a ton of sense, but it’s a genius move on MTV’s part because I am now guaranteed to watch this show. Is she still wearing those flouncy little skirts and riding Ferris wheels? Am I imagining this as a Marissa Cooper flashback spin-off and not a sad cash-grab by a bunch of has-beens?? I don’t care! Californiiiiaaaaaaaa! Here I coooooooooooooome! Actually, I’m also excited to see what Heidi and Spencer have to say, because if they’re still peddling healing crystals, I am There. For. It. Shiny rocks with special powers seem as logical a tool as any to get us out of this mess. (Except for voting, of course. The voter registration deadline for Oregon is October 16! Do it!)


The Last Word

The days are getting shorter, but they seem so much longer, don’t they? I hope your pillow fort and frosting and Speidi crystals and miniature horses will sustain you for at least another couple of weeks, or until some point when we can say “it’s all downhill from here!” and mean it in the good way. Bye!