Gabrielle Torello Grand Communications, FOX Broadcasting

Listen up, fives: nothing wrong with being average! As long as you’re not a Fox News contributor, or a dick to service employees, or impatient with old people who walk slowly, you’re alright in my book. How you been? Good? I’ve been okay. Thanks to daylight savings, we sprang (springed? Sprung? Sprought?) forward this week, making it harder to both wake up and go to bed—so that’s been a spicy jolt to my fragile existence. I realize that the democratic majority in our state congress have lots of bigger fish to fry, but if they could do something to stop the harvest schedule that was devised by long-dead farmers from screwing up my kid’s bedtime routine twice a year, I’ll definitely keep voting for them. (Psych. I’ll keep voting for you even if you don’t stop daylight savings, and thank you very much for your successful work on statewide rent control.) What other haps are happening out there? Let’s look!


The Guy in the White House. You Know Who I Mean.

This fuckin’ guy, Trump (who is somehow our president, despite losing the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), reportedly had his former lawyer Michael Cohen threaten Trump’s alma mater, Wharton, to make sure they wouldn’t release his school transcripts or SAT scores. Hmm, I wonder if they were good or bad? This story, shared by Cohen during his recent testimony to Congress, led to many dorks on Twitter being all, “Ohhh, lame, who cares about SAT scores?” Bitch, I do! I must know that his score was lower than mine! At the very least, can’t somebody make him take one of those “how smrt r u” internet quizzes and leak the results?? Please. Maladjusted adults who were once considered gifted children need validation.

And what did this for-sure-not-smart president say recently, in public? In a White House meeting, Trump called Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple.” This would have been a hilarious burn if it weren’t so obviously a mistake, because the president is very dumb and incapable of clever jokes. I mean, his brain can’t even fathom that a CEO would not name a company after himself like his own tacky family does. Tim Cook responded by changing his name to Tim Apple on Twitter. Listen up: This is not cute. Do not let millionaires endear themselves to you. They’re all bad... apples.


It’s a Rainbow Day in the Neighborhood

Thank goodness for people who read biographies and write on the internet about the information they learned, because I never read biographies! A recent post on newnownext.com shared a passage from last year’s biography, The Good Neighbor: The Life and Work of Fred Rogers, by Maxwell King, revealing that our favorite be-sweatered neighbor was bisexual. According to the book, Rogers said that “if sexuality was measured on a scale of one to 10: ‘Well you know, I must be right smack in the middle. Because I have found women attractive, and I have found men attractive.” Yassss! This comes only months after the news that Sesame Street’s Bert and Ernie are romantic partners, confirming my suspicion that everyone is at least a little bit gay. And since I don’t read biographies, I shan’t know otherwise.

Speaking of beloved men and human sexuality, people in their 30s were devastated last week when ’90s heartthrob Luke Perry passed away from a massive stroke. My heart goes out to his family, and my thanks go out to the many people who have shared nice stories about him; having spent the better part of the last year holding my breath and waiting to find out another icon was a monster, it’s refreshing to learn that Luke Perry was a good person. Like many in my age bracket, Luke Perry was a foundational part of “what I’m into.” (I’ve always been drawn to Steves, or sometimes got with Brandons, and spent some darker times with Davids, but I’ve definitely always wanted to be a girl who got with Dylans.) You’ll be missed, Luke. See you at Peach Pit After Dark Life. *sobs*


Other Gossip

Pete Davidson and too-good mega-babe Kate Beckinsale were spotted very grossly kissing at a recent hockey game. This is weird and I don’t have more to say right now because I can’t figure out what the fuck is happening—but let’s all keep an eye on it so we can revisit when more information is available.... Meghan McCain and Queer Eye’s Bobby Berk (the one who redoes an entire house in the same amount of time it takes Jonathan to read a shampoo bottle and for Tan to tell a guy to tuck in his shirt) got into a delicious Twitter fight because McCain was being a liar about how much the Green New Deal would cost the average American. It ended with her saying she wasn’t going to watch Queer Eye anymore. “Oh no,” the Fab Five presumably said sarcastically, moving on with their lives and their money and their immensely popular television program with legions of non-liar fans.... A bunch of joyless dorks did their worst to tank the reviews of Captain Marvel last week. The film is still on track to make a bajillion dollars (estimate). Happy belated International Women’s Day to everybody except whoever participated in that pointless effort.


Local Transit Updates

A nice story: Central Oregon man Jeremy Taylor recently proved what every stoner has long suspected: Leaving fast food condiment pouches in your car could get you out of a real tight jam. Taylor recently survived being stuck in his car in the snow for five days by eating Taco Bell hot sauce, garnering international attention because there’s not a lot of good stuff out there right now, and we’ll take what we can get, and we want to feel smart for eating fast food. His response, to the Oregonian: “I have my life to still take care of.” Dammit, Taylor! We’re trying to make you our stoner god. Let us canonize you!

Anyway, cars are death traps, so what’s up with TriMet? Oh, look! They shared an adorable picture on Facebook of a perfect llama riding the Max! Let’s get more information from what is sure to be a supportive caption: “Llama Llama on the train/trying to escape the rain/but llamas aren’t allowed on MAX/no matter how good your llama acts.” Noooo! That is a dope rhyme but terrible news. No llamas, no me. Back to the car. Let’s go, condiments.


The Last Word

Thanks for being cozy with me throughout these last couple of weeks, and I hope you’re using your longer days to capture more pictures of the sunset to put on Instagram. I love those. Be nice. XO