Hiyeee! Happy Spring! It’s been idiotically pleasant in Portland lately, and I’ve been loving exposing my milky-white legs to our closest star. Of course, this is fake spring, and it for suresies will turn crappy again until late June, because it always does, but I think the rule should be that once it gets up to 69 degrees at least once, winter is over. I will be optimistically cold in my springtime jackets until the weather fully catches up to my attitude, which is... kinda good? Vitamin D (from the sun, you pervs!) is doing good things for me, and the news this fortnight didn’t feel quite as devastating as in recent fortnights. Let’s discuss!
Aunt Becky is Hot Now
One reason I’ve been so giddy is this college admissions scandal, which has me kissing and licking my fingers and applying this liquid schadenfreude under my eyes before bed to restore my smug, youthful glow. If you somehow haven’t been existing lately, the deal is that a few dozen mega-wealthy titans of industry and some celebrities, including William H. Macy, Felicity Huffman, and Full House’s Lori Loughlin—anyone else finding Aunt Becky sexy for the first time ever now that you know she’s into crime??—got busted for paying tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in an elaborate scam to secure their offspring’s’ spots at elite colleges that they couldn’t get into on their own merit, despite having already led immensely privileged lives. Imagine how successful and powerful the rest of us could be if we’d had that kind of access and investment? Wealth is wasted on the wealthy. Have fun in jail—we are loving it out here!
Pop Stars and Jazz Hands
Want to know the other most amazing thing that is giving me life right now? Here’s a hint: It involves Britney Spears and musical theater. According to the New York Times, a musical based on the songs of Britney Spears is heading towards the stage, but rather than focusing on her wild life, it will be about a book club of Disney princesses reading feminist literature. A book club. Of Disney princesses. Reading. Feminist. Literature! Not gonna lie: This sounds insane and I will watch it five times, BUT I also would have loved a dramatic retelling of Brit Brit’s wild 2007 and eventual renaissance through her Las Vegas residency. Can we have that, too? Sometimes life is better than art, even if the art is Snow White reading The Feminist Mystique.
This section isnâ€™t over yet—Iâ€™ve got another story to share about pop royalty and Broadway! (I told you this has been a great fortnight in the news.) Ariana Grande’s earworm â€œ7 Ringsâ€—the one that lifts the hook from â€œMy Favorite Thingsâ€ from The Sound of Music—may be all about gettinâ€™ that paper, but whoâ€™s really getting most of the paper from the song is the company that owns Rodgers & Hammersteinâ€™s catalog. Ninety percent of the paper, in fact, goes to them, and while Ariâ€™s gloss may be poppinâ€™ when sheâ€™s makinâ€™ deposits, the deposits are only a puny 10 percent of what they could have been! Thatâ€™s not even one ring!
The Electoral College, but Sexy
Okay, this is not a sexy topic, but it could be sexy if you read it naked! If you’re in an appropriate setting and not, say, on the bus, or in an Arby’s, please feel free to make yourself sensual. You ready? Democratic Senator and presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren is throwing down in the primaries with the overdue suggestion to abolish the electoral college. I hope you know this, but in case you don’t: The electoral college was created by slave owners at a time when Black people counted as three fifths of a person, and it’s how George W. Bush stole the presidency in 2000 and why Trump is in the White House now despite losing the popular vote by—all together now!—2,864,974 votes. People are out there defending this relic of slavery with a straight face, claiming that doing away with it is nothing but a Democratic power grab. They’re not wrong! People who get more votes should be in power! Class is over. Put your pants back on!
I’m not hundo P on another democratic hopeful, New Jersey Senator Cory Booker, except that he’s confirmed that he’s dating actress Rosario Dawson AND because she hilariously and publicly liked a handful of tweets mocking Booker’s corny tweeting history. Okay, I GUESS they are cute, and I GUESS I would go to their White House wedding and I GUESS I’d even consider being a bridesmaid. I GUESS.
Jens on Ben
Whatâ€™s Ben Affleck up to, you ask? Oh, youâ€™re not asking that? Honestly, me neither, but this is fun: Ben was recently on The Ellen Show defending his infamously huge and tacky back tattoo of a phoenix, and like, yeah, no biggie, we all have dumb tattoos we got when we were 16 (me) or 43 (Affleck). HOWEVER, according to Page Six, his ex-Jennifers, Garner and Lopez, had Things to Say About It, and I care what those things are, especially if theyâ€™re bad. â€œItâ€™s awful,â€ said Lopez. Ha! Garner added: â€œBless his heart,â€ which is Southern-speak for sheâ€™s holding a big olâ€™ L up to her forehead. Ben’s faithful servant Matt Damon came to his defense, but nobody cares what Matt Damon has to say. Ben Affleck is only relevant when discussed by a Jennifer.
In Local News
Refinery29 has a series on their site about how people earn and spend their money, and they recently had a piece from a 25-year-old woman in Portland who made...*rubs eyes* $60,000 per year (?!) working as a *eyes bug out 10 inches in front of my face*...marketing assistant?! What the hell is that? She describes a life devoted to shopping, exercising, and taking care of her unemployed boyfriend, with some work sprinkled in when she can. Let’s do some math: If she works 25 hours per week and earns $60,000 per year, that is $46.15 per hour. Good for her?
In other local news, employees at local fast-food chain Little Big Burger have gone public with their plans to form a union. They’re seeking to improve their working conditions, including a $5 an hour raise. That might seem like a lot, but keep in mind that it would still be $30 an hour less than at least one local marketing assistant. And you can’t eat marketing.
The Last Word
Wow, she is feeling some class rage this week! Sunlight is the best disinfectant, and our late capitalist era is infected as hell. “Why is it,” you ask, “that the rich are bad, but Ariana Grande is good?” Look, I don’t make the rules, I just play the game, and my current gaming strategy is to enjoy catchy bops while sharpening my pitchfork. Any one of you is welcome to join me! See you soon. Mwah.