Ethan Miller, XXLLXX, Viktor Cap / Getty Images

Hello, and happy Pride Month! Here’s a tip for celebrating in style and on a budget: travel back in time to early July of last year, hit up the clearance shelves at Target, and buy a rainbow version of every type of clothing/accessory/dishware/automotive supply on Gaia’s green earth for a total of $1.97. Travel back to now, and voila! You’re the most festive queer in the game. You’re welcome! So that’s what I have to say about shopping and time travel; now here’s news.


Our Ongoing National Nightmare

State after state is banning abortion only a few weeks into pregnancy. Anti-choice strategists have made it clear they want to get the issue back before the Supreme Court now that bad person Brett Kavanaugh is in the house and will likely rule against choice. But the Supreme Court recently punted on a case from Indiana that would have outlawed abortions based on the embryo’s gender, race, or disability, stating it needed additional legal analysis. Justice Clarence Thomas shared his opinion on the ruling, going beyond criticizing abortion as healthcare and arguing that birth control is eugenics. Obviously this is horrifying, and exactly where many of us feared the conversation would go after Trump’s election. But also, interesting point! It never occurred to me, but the term “birth control” does sound a little eugenics-y. Can we rebrand this vital medicine to make it not sound so enticing to the Clarence Thomases of the country? “Fertilization prevention methods” sounds vanilla enough. “Contraceptives” is pretty inoffensive, too. Broke: birth control. Woke: slut vitamins?? Let’s workshop this under the next full moon.

Speaking of rebranding, Trump’s Department of Energy recently began referring to natural gas as “freedom gas.” This developed from Energy Secretary Rick Perry announcing plans to export natural gas to Europe by claiming “the United States is again delivering a form of freedom to the European continent.” A European reporter was then, like, “What, you mean, like, freedom gas?” And Perry was, like, “Yeah, that’s exactly what I meant,” because we live in the dumbest timeline. But the DOE ran with it, and even referred to the carbon dioxide produced by burning fossil fuels as “molecules of US freedom.” Bitches, this is it! Let’s start calling birth control “freedom pills,” and the unfertilized egg that our bodies discard each month can be our “molecules of freedom.” Amazing! Rick Perry had a good idea!


Australia’s Having a Shit Time, Too

The hilarious-sounding people of Australia recently re-elected their right-wing, climate science-denying Prime Minister Scott Morrison. In an excellent application of the world wide web, a story then went viral claiming that Scott Morrison had shit his pants at a McDonald’s in the suburb of Engadine in 1997. According to website the Outline, the story hasn’t been exactly confirmed, but has been widely embraced. And when the shitter in question has literally built prison camps to detain persons seeking asylum (and this motherfucker has!), I say spread that shit far and wide. Another thing I learned from the piece from the Outline: Australians call McDonald’s “Macca’s” and refer to pants as “dacks.” Therefore, Morrison shat his dacks at Macca’s. Aw. Everything Australians say is the cutest.


Hollyweird!

Matthew McConaughey just cemented his status as a man who does not give one single shit by publicly outing his friendship with the Food Network star most frequently mistaken for a member of the Insane Clown Posse, Guy Fieri. Fieri recently purchased (they buy them, you know) a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, and McConaughey was there at the unveiling ceremony, bending a knee to the mayor of Flavor Town. According to the AV Club, the two became friends because McConaughey enjoyed Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives, the TV show where Fieri travels around in a cool car, eating fried food, putting sauce on stuff, and... come to think of it... maybe this Fieri guy has it all figured out! I mean, it’s not like Matthew McConaughey wants to be friends with any of us.

Another rich, hot stoner who doesn’t need to do a damn thing is in the news again and making us go, “What the hell?” Canadian wild child Justin Bieber recently announced his collaboration with Portland-born personal care line Schmidt’s for... a deodorant? What the hell?! Bieber announced the collaboration on Instagram with a photo of himself with his arms wide, practically daring us to take a whiff of his pits. It’s been years since I smelled a hot stoner up close, but I recall it being pretty bad. I hope the deodorant works!

Last week, Ashton Kutcher appeared as a witness before a Los Angeles court in the case against alleged serial killer Michael Gargiulo. One of the victims, Ashley Ellerin, was Kutcher’s friend, and they had a date scheduled on the night she was murdered. Unbeknownst to him, Kutcher was knocking on her door after she’d already been killed inside. So scary! And so sad! In a considerate twist, the ABC News piece about the trial repeatedly pointed out that Kutcher was late to the date for a myriad of bullshit reasons, including watching the Grammys with his friends. By the time he showed up at her place, she was dead. Is it Kutcher’s fault she was murdered? Of course not. Does this article make him sound like he was an absolute fuckboi in 2001? BIG TIME.


In Semi-Local News

A recent study from Pemco Insurance, initially reported in the Seattle Times, found that people in the Pacific Northwest are unlikely to want to make new friends. “Well, yeah,” concurred my best friends, whom I’ve known since 1995. Apparently they have a cute term for this: the “Seattle Freeze,” which sounds like a blue drink Guy Fieri will have on the menu if he ever opens a restaurant in Seattle. Also in Seattle: An aggressive female squirrel named Kevin has been rampaging through Discovery Park and stealing Cheetos from children! One could say this only adds to the argument that one should never go anywhere, but I disagree. Now I actually want to leave my home and go to this park in Seattle so I can watch Miss Kevin in action... but I will not make any new friends while I do it! (Except maybe with Kevin.)


The Last Word

Snaps, self, for being so hilarious this week! Hmm, actually, this was a little too light, so let me leave you with this reminder: Six children have died in immigration custody since Trump’s zero-tolerance policy went into effect. Shit is bad and we gotta make it better. Remember: There are more of us than there are of them. Anyway, I chose these words carefully, and the work speaks for itself; there is no need for me to testify before Congress. Bye!