You might find this hard to believe, but drinking wine and watching The Bachelor are synonymous. And last night I figured out why: Because wine makes you drunk and being drunk makes The Bachelor pretty fun to watch. What I’m saying is I’ve gone eight weeks recapping this show without drinking. What I’m saying is, I'm a goddamn hero.

Did you know that a box of wine is equal to three bottles of wine? Did you know that I was half way through a box of wine? Did you know that I proofread this sober this morning? Did you know that you can catch up on last week’s recap here: glug glug glug glug glug.

Episode Preview: HOMETOWNS! Ben meets Amanda’s kids! Kids are awful! Overprotective fathers! Overprotective brothers! Overprotective sisters! Letters from ex-boyfriends!

More after the JUMP >>>>

Ben only has four women left and that means hometown dates. Ben is excited. Did you know that all wine tastes the same?

His first hometown date is in Laguna Beach, CA. This is where Amanda, mother of two, is from. Ben and Amanda meet on a beach and no one can figure out what the hell is going on with her shirt. It’s like a tube top... with sleeves. How is that possible? Why is that possible? Why do I care so much? Because it's wrong.

Amanda describes her oldest child, Kinsley, as “three going on 30” but when Amanda’s kids arrive, Kinsley doesn’t complain about still having to pay off her student loans even once. Thirty my ass.

Ben tries to high-five them and they leave him hanging. Which is understandable because he’s a strange man, and high-fives are something you do when you want to congratulate someone for accomplishing something you don’t care about. To be fair, Ben does his best to engage them by playing in the sand and chasing seagulls with them. Amanda is impressed, and says she can see Ben coming into her life and being a great father to her kids.

Time for Ben to meet Amanda’s parents. But first Ben and Amanda go off to put her cranky, crying kids down for a nap. Ben’s parents express doubts to each other about his ability to step up and take on the responsibility of kids. Is he ready to be an Instant Dad? Instant Dad sounds like a kind of oatmeal that tastes like corny jokes and disapproval.

Amanda takes her mom aside to get her impression of Ben. Her mom is the warm side of lukewarm about him. Meanwhile Ben is hanging out with Amanda’s dad. He’s pretty straight forward about the kids situation. Dad points out that there’s a big difference between thinking you want kids in your life, and actually having kids in your life. Ben admits that being a stepdad is a big responsibility. What responsibility? My stepdad just watched soap operas until the Steelers game came on then he went to bed. Easy peasy.

Anyways, here's Ben reading a very uncomfortable bedtime story to Amanda's kids:

Ben leaves after kissing Amanda goodbye. Honestly I thought the kids would implode and there would be more drama. I miss Olivia and Lace. Fuck, at this point I’d even take Leah. I won’t blame you if you already forgot who those people are. Anyway it’s on to the next hometown date, and it’s...

PORTLAND. OR! Lauren’s Hometown, and where we live. She takes Ben downtown, she points out that Portland is the "City of Roses," get it? Because The Bachelor and roses? They hit up Pioneer Square and the “Keep Portland Weird” mural. Food carts. They end up at the Multnomah Whiskey Library which blows Ben’s mind. Lauren pronounces it “Lie-berry” which is the a way you can tell someone has never actually been to a library. Lauren expresses her fear of introducing Ben to her family, because her family is so important to her that their approval is everything to her. Lauren is in love with Ben, but she hasn’t told him yet.

West Linn is where Lauren is really from (RICH). Lauren says if she gets her family’s approval, she’ll tell Ben she loves him. Lauren’s sister pulls Ben aside first: She brings up the fact that Ben is obviously seeing other women and having other meetings with families and is going to say good things about all of them. She wants to know what sets Lauren apart. Ben says there’s something about Lauren that he can’t put words to. Like the theme song to Hawaii Five-O.

Ben and Lauren's dad talk next. Dad wants to know why Lauren stands out from the other 28 girls. Ben says that time stopped when he first saw her. Dad says he felt that with Lauren’s mom, but then they dated for years. He’s not comfortable with how quick this is moving. Ben isn’t either. Dad comes away impressed, but no less concerned. He tells Lauren as much, so Lauren decides not to tell Ben she’s in love with him yet. Ben leaves.

Let’s just sum this up by saying I’m very impressed with the show's restraint in not taking the production to Voodoo Donut. I love Voodoo, but let’s be real, Portland is more than crazy doughnuts. Not much more, but more.

The next date is in Hudson, OH. Caila’s hometown. I’ve had a lot of wine and I hate Caila’s hair. WINE. Caila has moved around a lot, but this place is where she "became her own person." She takes Ben to a bench swing that she used to see old couples sitting on. She always imagined taking someone there. It’s very sweet, a much better move than a helicopter or a hot tub.

Caila takes Ben to her father’s business, he’s the CEO of a toy company. This is the long con. The whole reason she went on the show is to promote her dad’s business. Ben and Caila sit down to design their dream home with crayons. Then Caila surprises Ben by saying they’re going into the toy factory to build it.

Then they make out while wearing hard hats and recreate the ending to An Officer And A Gentleman. I have to look up the name of the movie An Officer And A Gentlemen because my brain keeps thinking the name of the movie is A Few Good Men and I can’t handle the truth!

That night they meet Caila’s parents. Her mom takes Ben aside, she has adult braces. Again, I’ve had a lot of wine, so that’s all I took away from this interaction. Adult braces are the bravest choice a person can make. Would you rather punch a shark or get adult braces? I rest my case.

Caila tells her mom that she’s in love with Ben. Caila asks her mom if she thinks Ben loves her too. Mom says yes and advises Caila to tell him how she feels. But she doesn’t, even though she wants to. That fear is there, but she doesn’t know why. But I know why. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

The final date is in Dallas, TX, JoJo’s hometown. JoJo goes home to find a dozen roses and a letter waiting on her doorstep. Aww, Ben is so sweet…

NOPE. The letter is NOT from Ben, it’s from her ex-boyfriend CHAD. (Of course her fuckin’ ex is named Chad.) CHAD! Ugh. People named Chad are the the reason why Deadpool has made 330 million dollars. Anyway, JoJo flips out, she doesn’t want to be thinking about Chad. That relationship was something she was getting past. She’s pissed. So of course she decides to call him.

Chad says he now knows what love is. He’s taken time to grow and mature, and he doesn’t want to lose her. Now is the time he realizes this? Unbelievable. This is the last thing that JoJo, or I, need right now. As this call is happening Ben walks up and knocks on the door.

He can tell JoJo is upset. What’s going on? She tells him about the flowers and the letter from Chad. FUCKING CHAD. Ben has been here before, having an ex enter the scene, and it hasn’t gone well for Ben in the past. This makes Ben uncomfortable. JoJo tells him that she called Chad to tell him she’s happy and doesn’t want him back. You hear that, CHAD? Your name is CHAD and that fucking sucks. If you’re reading this and your name is Chad, I'm sure that you're a perfectly nice person who I hate with every fiber of my being.

Ben is happy to hear that JoJo has shut that Chad shit down. This isn’t how either of them wanted to spend their day. Ben is happy she was open about it with him. Something difficult turned into something good. Just like how roses need shit to grow—except in this case instead of roses it’s just more shit.

That evening they go to meet JoJo’s fam. She’s optimistic that after they meet things are only going to get better. As they enter, everyone starts yelling and her brothers kiss her way too much. It’s weird. Like Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator.

Later the whole family starts grilling Ben around the dinner table. JoJo’s mom has had so much plastic surgery that she looks like a mummy.The brothers emerge as crazy overprotective. My wife starts telling me that one of JoJo’s brothers was ALSO on a reality show: Eva Longoria’s Ready For Love. She reads me a Wikipedia entry with the whole premise of that short-lived show. My wine-soaked brain is incapable of hearing her words; like a light snow that refuses to stick.

JoJo sits with her brothers. They're adamant that she can’t feel the way she feels after only two dates (1-on-1’s) with Ben. They want her to guard her heart. They don’t want her to sell herself short. They see how emotionally invested she is, but they don’t think Ben is at that same level. Basically they sound how any rational family member would sound, but somehow this show makes them seem crazy.

The brothers (now drunk) start to accuse Ben of brainwashing all the girls and giving coached answers. Mummy takes a swig from the champagne bottle. It's a pure distillation of how I feel.

Ben leaves the experience feeling off. Between Chad and the brothers, this hometown has been a BUST. Another bust is, I’m out of wine.

ROSE CEREMONY:

JoJo is worried that her brothers have ruined things. Amanda would marry Ben today if he asked. Part of Caila regrets not telling Ben she loves him. Lauren feels silly saying that she wants a rose, because it’s so much bigger than that now.

There are three roses: Lauren gets the first, Caila gets the second… final rose is down to Amanda and JoJo...

JoJo gets it. Ben picks crazy brothers over kids.

Ben sits with Amanda. He apologizes, but Amanda is pretty chill about it. She’s just mad that he didn’t cut her loose after the hometown, instead of making her come out to LA just to get dumped. To be fair she lives in Laguna Beach, so it’s not a big deal. Grow up, Amanda.

Ben has a breakdown, because he wants Amanda to know he cares and that he realizes how big a deal it was to introduce him to her children.

Next Week: Jamaica! Girls saying "I Love You." Helicopters make a comeback. Waterfalls. Bathing suits. Ben tells two women that he loves them—TWO WOMEN!!