Girl, its a nice kleenex, but I think its too matchy-matchy with your dress.
Girl, it's a nice kleenex, but I think it's too matchy-matchy with your dress.

Hey there Bachelorette fans! It’s been a long-time-no-see. There was no new episode last week so if you’re anything like me, you used that time to meditate, reflect, and center yourself. I found that it allowed me to find a deep connection with myself and the loved ones in my life. And frankly– it was complete bullshit. We avoid interpersonal relationships for a reason! Emotional work is hard, that’s why we watch The Bachelorette so we can feel better about how bad we are at it. If JoJo can’t figure it out, no one can.

So where did we leave off? Remember JoJo gave Chad the boot and we left him walking through the woods at night, whistling like a murderer, looking to get revenge on Alex? Of course you do, it’s not like anything else has been on your mind besides 2016 presidential politics, horrific tragedies, or the NBA Finals. Holy shit – maybe you don’t remember. Well you can click here: to catch up.

Hit the jump to hear what happens next>>>>

We start with the guys celebrating the elimination of Chad by performing a ritual funeral. They spread his ashes in effigy by throwing around the protein powder he left behind. Wells proclaims, “Death to tyrants!” This is the best party I’ve never been invited to, and guys, I’ve been not invited to A LOT of parties.

Suddenly Chad is there, knocking on the door. The guys are shocked to see him. Evan is worried that he’s here for his protein powder. They apologize to Chad for how they treated him and ask him to apologize for his behavior. He refuses.. Evan pathetically tries to get money for his shirt. Jordan convinces the rest of the guys it isn’t worth it and they leave. So Chad turns to walk back into the night, still whistling like a psycho. This is the last we see of Chad. I predict that it’s also the last time this show will be interesting.

Alex returns from his date with JoJo. The guys greet him like a conquering hero and give him a cake. It quickly gets smashed in his face, and they light fireworks indoors. If I was in that room I’d be the one saying, “C’mon you guys, aw jeez. Alright. Guys. Use a coaster. C’mon. Hey! That’s a fire hazard. C’mon.”

Next is the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party: Evan naively thinks that with Chad gone it’s an even playing field, no more hidden agendas. Chase busts out some weird bumper bubbles. Robby, brings out some pennies to throw into a wishing well. He kisses her and the other guys see it. It’s like a bomb of insecurity just went off.

James F. (Who? You might be asking. You are correct.) reads a poem that he wrote. It’s the WORST poem I’ve ever heard. And I’ve heard Lois Lane’s poem from Superman, The Movie.

Luke tells JoJo that he’s falling for her. Wells points out that Chad was nice because he was a common enemy, and now they’re all turning into mini-Chads. They’re all getting very competitive over time with JoJo. Jordan grabs JoJo and kisses her up against a wall while the guys are just on the other side of it. It’s like a glory hole without the hole… or the glory.

Rose Ceremony: Finally JoJo is gon' give out some roses. Luke, Jordan, and Alex are safe with Date roses. She gives the rest to Derek, Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny, James T… and the final rose goes to… Evan. Okay.

That means James F, and Daniel go home. Daniel has some pretty amazing insights into why he got cut:

Next, JoJo and the Gents (New band name alert) fly to Uruguay! She’s looking forward to using this week to finding out if guys are here for the right reasons.

Date Card 1: Goes to Jordan. “Let’s seal the date” it says. The dudes are BUMMED because he’s the frontrunner already without ever having a one-on-one. Now they all think he’s here for the wrong reasons. Basically, Chad is dead! Long live Jordan!

Jordan and JoJo head out on a boat. And swim over to an island where there’s a bunch of seals. I was hoping the obvious seal pun in the date card would lead to this:

Back at the hotel: Vinny is giving the guys haircuts while they read gossip magazines that have articles about JoJo dating her ex-boyfriend (also named Chad, god help us). You may remember him as they guy who tried to fuck up JoJo’s relationship with Ben last season. The guys are worried OG-Chad might still be in the picture.

Date Card 2 arrives: Luke, Derek , Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells, Alex “I can’t sand to be away from you.”

That night, Jordan tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. Straight up said the “L”. JoJo discloses that she’s met a girl who used to date Jordan and she told her that he wasn’t a great boyfriend. JoJo confronts Jordan about it. He claims it was tied to sports and the roller coaster that was his success and failure. JoJo asks him if he cheated. He tells her NO very quickly. Too quickly. She asks him if he will fall so in love with her that it scares him away. He says that he’s ready. She gives him the rose.

JoJo comes back to the hotel feeling like she had the best date of her life. She’s on cloud 9. A producer hands JoJo a copy of the gossip magazine and tells her the guys have seen it. It upsets her tremendously. It sounds like OG-Chad is a big liar. Chads are terrible. Maybe you know a “good” Chad, but if you really think about it, he’s a disgusting fucking monster who should be locked up. Chads are bad. If it rhymes it’s true.

JoJo goes to the guys and tells them they have nothing to worry about. They believe her because, duh. I’m having a hard time not falling asleep. OG Chad drama isn't as good as Scary-Chad Drama.

The next day while the guys are on the group date, Robby and Jordan are getting a spa day complete with cucumbers over the eyes.

Meanwhile, JoJo and the dudes are on some sand dunes to do some sand boarding. They're having a great time being horrible at sand surfing when the sky turns dark and starts raining. Thor curses your group date, you should have ridden those sand boards to Valhalla when you had the chance!

Back at the Hotel: Robby gets the last date card. “Love is within our reach” it reads.

Back on the Group Date: The guys spend their 1-on-1 time reassuring JoJo that her past with OG-Chad isn’t a big deal to them. JoJo says she’s done with Chads and apologizes to all the Chads out there that are good guys (none), but she just hasn’t met one. Preach.

Derek is starting to feel left behind, and jealous. He takes his time to reconnect with JoJo. Alex thinks he’s calculating. JoJo gives the Date rose to Derek, literally says it’s to “reassure” him. The guys think that’s buuuuullshit. That he’s being insecure. I think Derek looks like Jim from The Office, but I think he looks even more like Jim when he was in that Bengazi movie. What do you think?

I wish Derek would glance at the camera and roll his eyes
I wish Derek would glance at the camera and roll his eyes

The next day is the one-on-one with Robby. They go for a ride through the city. They eat things and see stuff. End up looking at the ocean on some cliffs. Robby convinces her to jump off the cliff with him. Since he’s an Olympic swimmer she feels like he’ll keep her safe. But nothing can keep you safe from the ocean. The ocean is vast and unknowable, like why a mother would name her son Chad.

Back at the Hotel: Some of the guys give Derek a hard time about JoJo saying “reassure” when she gave him the rose.

Robby and JoJo sit down, he’s thinking about telling her that he loves her. He tells her that his best friend died and that taught him not to stay in any situation that he doesn’t want to be in because life could end at any moment. Then he tells her that he’s in love with her. She thanks him and they kiss. She offers him the rose. Which he interprets as "I love you too." They walk down to the beach and they kiss, fireworks go off at that exact moment.

Say what you want about the manufactured fakeness of this show, but that is a motherfucking feat of engineering.

The next evening the guys gather for the rose ceremony cocktail party. Derek pulls Robby, Jordan, Chase, and Alex aside to accuse them of acting like a high school clique. They disagree and aren’t stoked on the timing of this confrontation.

Chris comes in and tells the guys that there won’t be a cocktail party before the ceremony and that three of them will be going home. Some of the guys were depending on that time to connect with JoJo, but her mind is already made up. Just like mine is, I will have another glass of wine.

Rose Ceremony: Derek, Jordan, and Robby are safe. JoJo gives roses to Luke, Chase, Alex, James, and… the final rose goes to…


That means Vinny, Evan, and Grant are going home. Vinny takes it the hardest.

Next week:
Buenos Aires, Argentina! Some guys are feeling deeper connections, other relationships are starting to crumble. You know, the usual.