JoJo realizing the Bachelor Mansion was built by slaves too.
JoJo realizing the Bachelor Mansion was built by slaves too. Courtesy of @BachloretteABC

MICHELLE OBAMA JUST MADE ME CRY. Cry just as much as JoJo was crying at the end of the last week's episode. Is that a stretch? Well then call me Mr. Fantastic.

Speaking of stretching, Bernie Sanders' speech stretched into the 8pm time slot which pushed back the start time of The Bachelorette. Damn Bernie, don’t you know I got work in the morning? I thought you were all about helping the working class!

Anyway, check out my recap of last week’s episode to catch up: Click here to read it.

Oops, I meant this link: Click this one.

But for real: Click.

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JoJo is left with a decision to make. Jordan, Robby, Luke, and Chase. Which one will she say goodbye to? She was leaning towards Luke because he hadn’t said the big L, but he pulled her aside to rectify that before she could make her choice. Now JoJo is in a tailspin. Oh Shit. Remember TaleSpin? It was like Jungle Book but with airplanes and there was a boy-bear with a sky surfboard?

This is some awful parenting right here.
This is some awful parenting right here.

Eventually, JoJo figures it out and comes back to the guys ready to make her choice: Jordan gets a rose... Robby gets a rose.... Aaaaand…


What. The. Notional. Fuck. I really thought Luke’s last minute profession of love would save him.

Luke and JoJo have one of the most emotional goodbyes I’ve ever seen. Luke looks truly shocked, he keeps looking into the middle distance, as if the spirits of love and death and stars and life are dancing before him. JoJo acts crushed like Luke is the one who broke up with her. She says "I don't know how to say goodbye to you."

I think if Luke had told her that he loved her earlier, he’d still be there. He let his love go unspoken because he thought the feeling was there. LUUUUKE. Why are you a cautionary tale?

Well anyway. He’s gone, and JoJo is off with the last three guys to Thailand! This is the week of Fantasy Suite overnight dates. After the chaos of the last rose ceremony, JoJo is hoping this week will bring her clarity. My guess is that it doesn’t. Because if JoJo knew what she wanted this show would be over and I would have more free time to devote to my real passion: becoming an astronaut and flying a rocket directly into the sun.

Date 1: Robby meets JoJo at a marketplace where they try foods. Then they get caught in a monsoon so they decide to go get pedicures. Robby uses the time to clear the air about his ex-girlfriend situation. How’s this for clearing the air? Stop bringing it up. The best way to prove you’re completely over something is to never think about it again. It’s like how I never think about that thing that I’m not thinking about at all and you aren’t reading this.

That night JoJo and Robby talk about the hometown visit last week and how his parents responded to his feelings about her. Robby got a secret letter from his dad that says paraphrases to: Don’t worry you got this. He wants JoJo to keep it as a reminder of how real things are between them. JoJo gives Robby the key to the fantasy suite. He accepts. JoJo says she knows she loves Robby (to the camera, not Robby) and is ready to be “intimate” with him. I added those quotes around the word intimate because I’m disgusting, but seriously I bet they fucked.

JoJo and Robby wake up the next morning to breakfast in bed. JoJo admits that she was tempted to tell Robby that she loves him too, but knows (from experience) that it’s best to wait. Yeah. Look how that worked out for Luke.

Date 2: Jordan arrives by boat to meet JoJo on a beach. JoJo has planned a hike, and that hike is hella ARDUOUS. The hike ends in a crazy cave. The cave has a temple inside of it. JoJo tells Jordan he can't kiss her because she wants to respect the sanctity of the temple. You get the sense that if they kissed they would start fucking on top of that temple and they wouldn't stop until it was rubble.

Jordan asks JoJo about her family. She gives a bland description of them, but they were pretty crazy during hometowns on the last season of The Bachelor. Her brothers, in particular, were fucking nuts.

That night, they sit down. JoJo is scared to trust Jordan, she isn’t sure he’s really committed to building a life. He tells her he doesn’t know what the future will look like, and that makes her nervous. Jordan tells her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, and she says that’s what Ben said. JoJo challenges him to explain how he knows.

Jordan’s answer is BULLSHIT. It’s the equivalent of Trump saying he’s going to crush ISIS. He says he will, but not how. JoJo votes for Jordan and gives him the key to the fantasy suite. Jordan accepts.

The next morning, Jordan rolls over with a smile on his face says they took a "big step" last night. SEX. JoJo kisses Jordan goodbye before doing the walk-of-game home across the beach.

Date 3: Chase meets JoJo at some magnificent temple. He pulls up on a scooter, it’s almost like the producers were looking to emasculate him on purpose. Scooters are NOT sexy, especially not guys named scooter. Sorry Scott. JoJo makes him kiss a fish, then they get on a boat.

The boat leaves them on a beach. They talk about Chase's hometown. It’s the fucking most boring. Eventually they take their shirts off and get into the water, so at least I can look at how hot their bodies are, but it’s not enough. My hunger for flesh is never slaked. And nor will yours be, because I can’t find a clip/gif/or pic of it.

Later, Robby surprises JoJo with a visit before her evening portion of her date with Chase. It spins her head around. That night Chase tells her that he’s ready to be the guy. JoJo gives him the fantasy suite key. In the suite he tells her that he isn’t scared and that he loves her. Chase is finally open and expressive just like she’s wanted him to be...

So of course that’s when she realizes that she doesn’t feel the same way. She leaves him to have a moment. Eventually deciding that their relationship just isn’t where it needs to be. She comes back to let him down. And it doesn’t go well.

Chase is pissed because he put himself out there only to be denied. He acts salty about it because he’s a fuckin’ nothing-person. Love is risk, man. Deal with it. He implies JoJo meant to build him up just to break his heart. JoJo begs him not to let that be his last thought of her. But he just walks away.

Chase cracks open a beer as he gets into the van and asks, “Oh is this my fantasy suite?” Then beats himself up for being emotionally honest with JoJo. His fragile masculinity completely shattered. Goodbye you fuck, YOU STOLE LUKE’S SPOT!

The next day JoJo goes into what was supposed to be a rose ceremony without a decision to make. Jordan and Robby have no idea that Chase is gone. JoJo starts to tell the guys what happened when CHASE comes sauntering back to interrupt her. THEY ARE ALL WEARING BLUE SHIRTS AND KHAKI CHINOS.

Really? C’mon! Chase you suck, and I need this episode to end. Papa's got work in the mornin' (no thanks to Bernie Sanders). Jordan and Robby aren’t happy about it either. They simultaneously wipe their brows with handkerchiefs.

Turns out he’s just coming back to apologize for his behavior. Which is actually pretty impressive, but honestly it’s better not be a fuck-face in the first place than to have to apologize for being a fuck-face all the time. Jesus said that in the bible, I think.

JoJo goes back to hand out symbolic roses to the last two remaining men. Which begs the question, who will she ultimately choose?

Jordan– I bet you anything she picks Jordan. But we won’t know until this time next week. Tonight is the Men Tell All. I’ll be mailing it in on that one, check back here tomorrow to read about the crazy shit Chad said/did.