OH, SURE. You laughed and laughed at those old-timey Life Alert commercials wherein a senior citizen takes a fall and wails, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Well, now? YOU’RE about to fall… down a stairway of HORROR in this new 2014 version of the same commercial that is now legitimately terrifying! (Note to self: Buy Life Alert, and never buy a house with stairs!)

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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