And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. And the beast which I saw was like unto a Snooki, and his feet were as the feet of a DJ Pauly D, and his mouth as the mouth of a Jwoww: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority… and all the world wondered after the beast… and they worshiped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him? REV 13:1-4
Deny it if you can, but Jersey Shore is only growing in power, infecting the world with it’s silliness. Examples:
First of all, Archie and the Gang are not safe:
I don’t know if you missed it over the summer, but Riverdale is now officially full of Guidos and Guidettes. Too racy for young eyes? Don’t worry, says Archie creator Dan Parent: “There’s a hot tub, but nothing racy happens, although Jughead does make a mess of it!” Way to stay relevant, Archie! Whatever the cost.
More insanity after the jump.
Already a hit in Europe, Jersey Shore is poised to air in Japan this March under the infinitely more amazing title Jersey Shore: The New Jersey Life of Macaroni Rascals. I would watch anything with that title. I would watch my grandma having sex if it was subtitled The New Jersey Life of Macaroni Rascals. But I’m weird.
Here in America the Jersey Babies are receiving personal appearance offers at a rate of 200-300 a day. Radar Online reported last February:
One of the wackiest requests received was for Pauly D to walk a bride down the aisle and give the complete stranger away on her wedding day! “Someone in California offered us $50,000 to have Pauly D walk them down the aisle at their wedding, to give them away,” Schweiger confirmed. “We rejected the offer, because Pauly is a serious DJ and all the other cast members are doing lots of personal appearances but Pauly D is not necessarily doing the personal appearances because he feels he has a lot to learn as a DJ. He does not want to be doing stuff that is unrelated to DJ-ing.”
Pauly D is a tireless craftsman not America’s dancing monkey! He refuses to be your clown! That is why he has accepted a role in his own spin-off series that will feature him traveling the country, DJ-ing, bangin’ skanks and probably calling Situation every night to read him a bedtime story.
There is no use in resisting, world. We will all be Guidos soon. Those who refuse to tan will be tanned manually. Blowouts will be mandatory hairstyles for men. It’ll be like some bizarro Sharia law. The End Times are here. See you tonight!