“Society is creating a new crop of alpha women who are unable to love” is the headline of a Fox News hate-read making the rounds on many a feminist social media feed right now. Written by Suzanne Venker, it is a garbage article about how women who act too strong will never find love, but can reform themselves by no longer having hopes, dreams, or opinions.
Venker appears to have made a career out of antifeminist trolling, so the sentiment isn’t surprising, and I found the article to be less rage-inducing that unintentionally hilarious, because, you know, “alpha” is not really an insult. Here are some choice excerpts with commentary from me, an unruly alpha woman who is unable to love:
Despite my mother’s allegiance to my father, she never quite mastered wifedom—for one reason: she was wholly unyielding.
With my mother, everything was a fight. Everything was “No” unless she determined it was appropriate to say yes. If my mother wasn’t the one who made the decision, the decision couldn’t possibly be good. Every so often she would appear to cede to my father’s wishes, but only if she happened to agree with him.
TL;DR: My mother had boundaries within her marriage. HOW DARE SHE
[Being an alpha woman] may get them ahead at work. But when it comes to love, it will land them in a ditch.
A ditch? Really? A ditch? Oh no, I was so strong and independent I fell into a ditch help!
In essence, being feminine means being nice. It means being soft instead of hard. And by “nice,” I don’t mean you should become a mouse. (That’s the narrative the culture sells, but that doesn’t make it true.) Men love women who are fun and feisty and who know their own mind! But they don’t want a woman who tells them what to do. As a man named Chuck once wrote on my site: “A strong woman is awesome. But she must be inviting and be able to mesh into an actual relationship. Needing to dominate and overpower, that is a no go.”
I bet Chuck doesn’t have a girlfriend. And this old “be strong, but not TOO strong” thing? It is a trap for catching women who have opinions. Also where are all these domineering women and how can I add them to my Margaret Atwood book club?
The roles may have changed, but the rules haven’t. All a good man wants is for his wife to be happy, and he will go to great lengths to make it happen. He’ll even support his wife’s ideas, plans or opinions if he doesn’t agree with them. That’s because a husband’s number one goal is to please his wife. If he determines his wife cannot be pleased, that’s when the marriage is in trouble.
A husband’s number one goal is to please his wife? I thought a husband was allowed to be an autonomous human with his own hopes and dreams. Nope! Guess not!
Men are just so much simpler than women.
TL;DR: I have no female friends.
What I am saying is that men tend to follow women’s lead. Your husband’s actions are more often than not reactions. He’s reacting to something you said or did, or to something you didn’t say or didn’t do. He’s reacting to your moods, your gestures, your inflections and your tone. That’s how men are. Your husband wants you to be happy, and when he sees it isn’t working he thinks he’s failed. That’s when he acts out.
TL;DR: If your husband behaves in inappropriate ways, it’s your fault because he’s just reacting to you.
This, for the record, is the definition of gaslighting.
I’m an alpha all day long, and it gets tiresome. I concede that I thrive on it; but at the end of the day, I’m spent. Self-reliance is exhausting. Making all the decisions is exhausting. Driving the car, literally or figuratively, is exhausting.
If driving the car is literally exhausting, Suzanne, I think you should consider a shorter commute. Also, way to perpetuate the idea that women can’t drive and don’t want to. TELL IT TO ME AND MY BEAUTIFUL HILLARY CLINTON-STICKERED PASSAT!
Well, almost like that. It was a lot of stop and go at first. First I’d handle something the “right” way—i.e. by not arguing with him, or by not directing his traffic, or by being more service-oriented—and marvel at the response. Then life would get busy, and I’d resort to my old ways. Sure enough, I’d get a different response. So I’d make a mental note of how I messed up and make sure to get it right the next time. Eventually, it became second nature.
TL;DR: Once I stopped being a person with needs, my husband liked me more!
OMG, Suzanne, I think you should get a divorce. If your husband is only nice to you when you literally ignore your own needs, he should marry a sex doll, not a real human woman.
It’s like weight loss. Once you realize that diet and exercise is the only way to stay fit, and that sugar and carbs create fat, a light bulb goes off in your head. You’ve unlocked the code to keeping your weight in check. Even if you fall off the wagon (and you will), you’ll know what to do to get back on track.
That’s what it’s like to love a man. Once you learn how, you’re good to go. You have all the tools you need.
Suzanne. SUZANNE.
Are you listening to yourself? A relationship should not be compared to dieting. It should SUSTAIN you, not diminish you. That is the whole point! But anyway if being an alpha female means I get to eat carbs and only date men who aren’t scared of me, I will GLADLY accept.
“TL;DR: Once I stopped being a person with needs, my husband liked me more!”
🙂 Hah! It’s surprising to me that these ‘helpful’ guides for the lil lady continue (and continue…and continue) to crop up. Burbank and the Mercury calling this shite what it is incredibly refreshing.
“…what it is is incredibly refreshing.” dammit! short on ises….
Ditto what Sister Brute said.
Dear Suzanne Venker, if being the alpha is so damn exhausting, why do you want your beloved husband to have to do it? Don’t you love him enough to take on 200% of the relationship work? No? Well I guess you are just a shadow of the self-sacrificing woman you were brought up to be IN THE 1700s.
Sweet jesus that woman makes me tired. It’s like listening to my ultra-right-wing aunt go on about how marriage is ALWAYS better for women in spite of the fact that women lose years off our lifespans for it. And apparently the men gain them, like they are draining batteries.