It took me a while to write this post, because I had to calm down first. (DEEP BREATH AND EXHALE.) Okay, here’s what happened:
Scene: the Mercury‘s editorial meeting this morning. We’re discussing our choices for the most awesome things for you guys to do this week, and the subject of a show which was followed by an “after party” came up. So naturally I asked everyone the leading question, “And what’s after the after party?”
DEAD SILENCE.
“Seriously, guys,” I said, trying to break it down for them like I would for a child. “Think. There’s the show. Then there’s the after party. So what comes after the after party?”
BLANK STARES.
That is when I lost my fucking mind. I won’t go into detail, but it was the biggest screaming fit I’ve delivered in weeks. I was aghast—AGHAST—that the most knowledgeable people in the city when it comes to Portland events apparently had NO EARTHLY IDEA what follows an after party! The publisher came bursting into the room to find out why I was screaming, and when HE didn’t know what follows an after party, I really exploded, sending him scurrying back to his office.
BUT! Maybe it’s me! Maybe I just assume everyone should know what follows an after party, because it’s the most obvious fucking thing in the world, and anyone with the slightest knowledge of popular culture should know the answer to that one… simple… FUCKING… QUESTION!!
Therefore, a poll. Rest assured, if the majority of you know the answer to this question, I will be firing the entirety of my staff. No pressure. (COMMENTS WILL BE CLOSED, SO YOU KNOW-IT-ALL DICKHEADS DON’T GIVE THE ANSWER AWAY. I’ll update this post with the obvious answer later today.)
UPDATE WITH ANSWER: Well, I have to say… you people are pretty disappointing, too! By 4 pm, only 50 percent of you had guessed the obvious answer, which is FUCKING OBVIOUSLY “HOTEL LOBBY.” According to philosopher/theologian R Kelly, life and death progress in the following manner. From “Ignition (Remix)”:
Then after the show its the (after party)
And after the party its the (hotel lobby)
And round about 4 you gotta (clear the lobby)
Then take it to your room and freak somebody
Life, death, purgatory, heaven. IT’S THAT FUCKING SIMPLE, PEOPLE. However, since 50 percent of you didn’t know that either, I will only fire HALF of the editorial staff. Thanks for helping me settle this. I feel somewhat better. COMMENTS OPEN.
This came up several years ago when two friends of mine got married, and there was a reception after the wedding, and then an after-party after the reception, and then a party after the after-party. We called it the After After Party and I think we might have named a cocktail that. (The alternate name for the drink was Eleven Cutting Boards, because that is how many cutting boards they got for their wedding, because no one cares about registries.) Or it might have been the After-After Party. I don’t really know how it was punctuated. Anyway, that’s what you call it. If there was a fourth party that night, nobody told me about it or I went and have blacked out the whole experience. At any rate, I don’t know what it would or should have been called.
At first I was pissed off that I didn’t know the answer, but since it’s an R Kelly lyric, I guess I should feel pissed on.