EDITOR’S NOTE: It’s a scientific fact—people have opinions. And they have feelings! But they don’t want other people to know they have opinions and feelings. And that’s why the Mercury’s I, Anonymous column and blog remain insanely popular year after year. For newbies, the I, Anonymous Blog is a place where anyone can drop off a confession or rant… anonymously! We get a poop-ton of them every week, and then we pick the best to run in the Portland Mercury. Does this perform a public service? Mmmm… well… ummm… maybe? At the very least, it allows people to blow off steam—which they may have blown all over your face if it hadn’t been for the I, Anonymous Blog! So by all means enjoy (?) this year’s selection of the very best of the worst of I, Anonymous. (And drop off your own rant or confession in the I, Anonymous Blog.)
Oh! And may god have mercy on all your despicable souls.
Dear Child of Mine—You are an asshole. I am your mother. When I shoved you out of the car at the welfare office (the first time you got pregnant), and sped off, I actually didn’t go anywhere. I parked and watched you the entire time. For two fucking minutes you stood in the real world and were so scared. Upon my return you screamed, “How could you do that to your own kid?” I’ll tell you how: I don’t want you to be an asshole. You don’t even understand that the welfare office is easy as fuck compared to the pains of childbirth, and keeping the child safe and warm. (Not to mention the other daily efforts parents put into their children so they don’t turn into assholes.)
Do you understand that every fucking day you’ve existed on this earth, I’ve worried about every choice I’ve ever made as a parent? And if that choice would somehow fuck up your life? This shit is exhausting, and it’s only been 19 years so far.
