I’m not going to do a long intro for this… just rest assured that the product in the following commercial is the greatest invention of this, or any other century—and I really wish I’d known about this for our summer issue. Watch… and woe be unto anyone who challenges me to a water war! Because I’m buying 50 of these, mother-effers!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=awksOdDg8pM

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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