It’s back! Welcome to the triumphant return of the Blogtown series we like to call “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday during our weekly “My, What a Busy Week!” pitch meetings, someone suggests an event which is the equivalent of throwing acid in our eyes—but we also realize a more enlightened person might love it! Hence, these “risky” events are often unfairly pushed aside. WELL, NO MORE. Instead of allowing what could be entirely worthy events to vanish forever, we’re asking you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend… whether we like it or not!
Every week an editorial staff member will be presented with three events that do not match their personality or interests… like, AT ALL. And here’s the fun part: YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer. Afterward he or she will review it right here on the blog! NOTE: Everyone’s taste is different, right? So while Dirk might enjoy nothing more than a rousing afternoon of bike-based ballet, it might send Marjorie into rageful fits! That’s why you might find a perfectly pleasant event or two in the list below. Also, competitors must stay for at least two hours (or until the event is over, whichever comes first) and are not allowed to get drunk, or use any substances (drugs) or distractions (phone/reading material) to dull the pain they may experience. Now let’s see who is up this week:
Senior Editor Erik Henriksen’s Worst. Night. Ever.
The trick with Erik is to play a game of opposites. For instance, does an all-expense, chef’s choice (with wine pairings!) dinner at Toro Bravo sound like the makings of a potential Best. Night. Ever.? See, Erik would hate that. It would force him to deviate from his strictly limited diet of 1) Grilled cheese, 2) vegetarian pad thai, 3) pizza, 4) cereal, and 5) bagels. How about a super big party with like 300 people, 25% of whom were models? Sounds great, right? Nope. You’d find Erik hiding under the bed.
So, what does he like? Reading! Movies! Videogames! Comic books! Action figures! T-shirts with action fig—ZZZZzzzzzzz……..
This should make it easier for you to make the right decision.
CAMP CASCADIA (Occupy Mt. Tabor)
This is a protest over the city’s decision to stop fighting a federal mandate to cover our reservoirs. Promising “major rabblerousing,” these activists are going to pitch up tents and make themselves comfortable for a looooong while. It is safe to assume that there will be a decent amount of crossover here with the anti-fluoride crowd, who will eat Erik alive when they find out how much he made fun of them. You also wouldn’t be able to knock me over with a feather if there were some hand drums being played, some marijuana being passed, and Erik trying vainly to hide behind a tree. Oooooh, and protest chants! He will fucking hate this.
Latter Day Saints Single Adult Conference
Don’t forget: Erik grew up in Salt Lake City, and has had lots of exposure to LDS culture… it’s unclear whether this simply makes him immune to their irritations, or if he hates it so much he moved hundreds of miles away and is never going back. Your move. Friday night is the Portland Spirit cruise and mixer, which might sound pleasant if A) he knew anybody, which he won’t or B) he could drink, which is not permitted in the ever-changing WNE bylaws—and besides, this cruise is only serving water, soda, and snacks. Oh right, and C) Erik hates mixing!
Portland Dance Festival
Don’t be distracted by the fact that this arguably sounds fun: the Portland Dance Festival is a celebration of swing dance, line dance, and country dancing (isn’t that the same as line dancing?). We are fairly sure that Erik is not especially schooled in these—or any—specific dances. However, no worries: There is a free beginners class scheduled at the festival’s HQ (the airport Sheridan) on Friday night that would be just perfect for him.
Choose Erik’s Worst. Night. Ever. wisely, Blogtown. Polling closes Thursday at noon!
If Willard Hewitt can be taught how to dance…
The first one would allow him to show off his Tevas to a crowd that would appreciate them, and the dancing thing sounds perfect for a classic Henriksen “sit’n’observe.” LDS MIXER IT IS.
Does he HAVE to dance at the dance festival? This is very important to my decision-making.
I vote for something that sounds mildly uncomfortable but then he goes and actually has a decent time and his writeup is boring as all hell with no interesting stories. That one.
LDS Mixer (LSD Mixer?). Where else is he going to meet his next five wives?
I was dragged to Bushwackers recently to see some country dancing, and surprise: it was a great time. As opposed to a crowd of self-conscious hipsters standing around the Doug Fir basement, this scene was full of positive, fun energy. There must have been 200 people. By the end I wanted to learn how to to two-step.
The only weird part was when the dj played the national anthem.
Poor guy. I grew up in Sandy, Oregon, and had lots of exposure to LSD culture.
send him to camp cascadia. he needs the life experience.
What part of Portland *won’t* be passing around a joint? I can’t even walk down the fucking street without getting a contact high.
There is no federal mandate to cover open reservoirs from a protected watershed. Proof of this fact is that New York City and Rochester, NY, are on track to getting a permanent waiver from the rule by 2016.
But here in Portland, politicians have never even asked EPA for a waiver!
Now they think they can trick us with excuses and scare tactics to keep funneling hundreds of millions of dollars in tax money to developers and fast-track this unnecessary project.
Attention reporters: Mayor Hales of HDR Engineering is *being disingenuous*. Follow the money: Where is it coming from during a supposed budget crisis? And hhmmmm, where is it going??
Attention readers: unless you want to drink chemically-treated water from the Willamette instead of pure water from the source at Bull Run– and pay 50% higher water rates for the privilege– go to http://bullrunwaiver.org/ to find out what’s really going on.
Oh lord. Look at that comment. That is EXACTLY the kind of thing Erik should go and learn more about. I look forward with glee to his vitriol laden invective (shut up, he writes real good some times).