Welcome back to the Blogtown series we like to call “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday when we’re discussing our event picks for the week, someone suggests an event which is the equivalent of throwing acid in our eyes—but we also realize a more enlightened person might love it! Hence, these “risky” events are often unfairly pushed aside. WELL, NO MORE. Instead of allowing what could be entirely worthy events to vanish forever, we’re asking you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend… whether we like it or not!
Every week an editorial staff member will be presented with three events that do not match their personality or interests… like, AT ALL. And here’s the fun part: YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer. Afterward he or she will review it right here on the blog! NOTE: Everyone’s taste is different, right? So while an exhibit of handcrafted cat-hair mittens might make Dirk feel all fussy, Marjorie might love it! That’s why you might find a perfectly pleasant event or two in the list below. Also, competitors must stay for at least two hours (or until the event is over, whichever comes first) and are not allowed to get drunk, or use any substances (drugs) or distractions (phone/reading material) to dull the pain they may experience. Now let’s see who is up this week:
This is a tricky one, guys. Denis is arguably the most affable member of the editorial department, plus he’s from Chicago so I think he’s tough to scare. Last year you guys sent him to some sort of bondage-themed foam party and he upped the stakes by voluntarily enlisting to let a stranger flog and electrocute him. Frankly I’m not even sure why we’re bothering with Denis this year? He let himself be flogged. FLOGGED. That’s the WNE equivalent of a mic drop right there. But rules are rules, so… let’s do this.
•Race the Reaper: A six-mile obstacle course in Yamhill County “created to physically push your body while, inspiring you to do something you’ve never done.” Their website is full of pictures of very fit people like, pushing tires and dangling from ropes. As a non-jock just watching their promotional video makes me feel like I’m about to get bullied.
•Volunteer at the Portland Highland Games: According to their website, the Portland Highland Games is looking for volunteers to ensure that their two-day festival of “Scottish Highland music, athletics, dancing, piping and drumming competitions, and cultural activities” runs smoothly. We think Denis would make a great Competition Assistant; duties include “assisting with the Dancing, Drumming, Piping and Fiddling competitions. Working with the events to ensure that they run in a timely and efficient manner.”
•Elaborate Nerd Trolling: Okay, bear with me here. Super-nerd Denis has to dress up like Spock (he’s already got the costume) and play a trombone on the fringes of the Cathedral Park Jazz Festival—while wearing a sign identifying himself as Riker. If you’re a nerd you’re super mad right now.
Obstacles, obviously.
Video, obviously.
Obstacle course whilst wearing a Spock shirt and ears and a kilt.
Hate to be a buzzkill but that race requires some training. Not to cast aspersions on Denis’s physical fitness but unless he’s already prepared or already quite fit, he will either not finish, get hurt or both. Most likely both. Who then will go cover delicious town hall meetings on street fees? Ugly shoes Marjorie? Stand-up Alison? Ecstatic, naked Ned??? No way.
Make him ride around in a police cruiser in North Portland on a Friday night.
I did one of those obstacle courses last year. They’re not too demanding. They’re fun and messy but it’s not like running a marathon, especially since there are often bottlenecks and lines for the various obstacles. Six miles can be a bit much for someone unaccustomed to running, but mostly it’s like Double Dare for adults.
Nerd trolling involve personal shame. The other two are just odd.
At the Highland Games, can we make him walk around with a sign identifying him as French?
Blogtown commenters stymied by feelings of actual affection for Denis and concern for his well-being.
Joe,
There are mudder courses designed for the lay person. Certainly difficult but this, I believe, is quite a step up.
Does Denis even know how to play the trombone?
Fun fact: I do not know how! But I *can* do that thing where you purse your lips and place them into the aperture and make them tickle. And then a warbling, bleating sound issues forth for a few seconds.
If you grow your beard out some, you’ll make a great Spicker (that’s a portmanteau of Spock and Riker).
I’ll give him a lesson!
(I am immune to suggestive trombone jokes because high school but say what you must.)
Don’t get so freaked out by flogging, vanilla girl, it beats the hell out of Ativan.