It’s Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Worst. Night. Ever!

Welcome back to the Blogtown series we like to call “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday when we’re discussing our event picks for the week, someone suggests an event which is the equivalent of throwing acid in our eyes—but we also realize a more enlightened person might love it! Hence, these “risky” events are often unfairly pushed aside. WELL, NO MORE. Instead of allowing what could be entirely worthy events to vanish forever, we’re asking you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend… whether we like it or not!

Every week an editorial staff member will be presented with three events that do not match their personality or interests… like, AT ALL. And here’s the fun part: YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer. Afterward he or she will review it right here on the blog! NOTE: Everyone’s taste is different, right? So while an exhibit of handcrafted cat-hair mittens might make Dirk feel all fussy, Marjorie might love it! That’s why you might find a perfectly pleasant event or two in the list below. Also, competitors must stay for at least two hours (or until the event is over, whichever comes first) and are not allowed to get drunk, or use any substances (drugs) or distractions (phone/reading material) to dull the pain they may experience. Now let’s see who is up this week:

Thanks, everybody who’s about to get me fired. Steve’s my boss. He signs my paychecks. (Sometimes with one of those magic, four-in-one pens that lets you switch colors every letter!) And now, to repay his multicolored benevolence (I’m actually lying about the pen), I’m asking you to send him someplace he’ll think is TERRIBLE, to do something he’ll think is TERRIBLE. And no matter what thing you choose that’s TERRIBLE, I’ll be the one he holds responsible.

So do it right! Steve seems like he’d be an easy person to set up for this little game, because he thinks a lot of things are TERRIBLE. But that’s also what might make this pretty difficult. Because he hates so many things, and because he’s not just an editor but also an actor of the stage, you’ve got to pick the thing that he’ll find the MOST TERRIBLE OF THEM ALL.

1. FAERIEWORLDS, in Eugene.

Last year, we sent Steve to a renaissance faire in Silverton. But that ain’t shit compared to this. It’s true Steve is profoundly annoyed by nerds (don’t I know it!). But he also secretly sees them as mostly harmless and benign. THAT IS NOT TRUE FOR HIPPIES. AND IT WILL NEVER BE TRUE FOR HIPPIES. His loathing for the dirtfoots and their pan flutes is biblical and fierce and beautiful. And this weekend, you personally could send him deep into the heart of his Sodom and/or Gomorrah.

Faerieworlds is billed as a “gathering of the tribes.” It’s also known as a premiere “mythic music festval.” But that’s not why this is the best thing ever.

Steve will have to spend the day stalking around the place dressed in faerie garb, dancing with people similarly attired, feigning respect for things that disturb him like earnest paganism, and pretending he actually also believes that “the revitalizing, healing and transforming spirit of faerie is alive and moving actively in our lives.”

Participants are invited “to enter the Realm as your magical self and release the beautiful, magical faerie spirit that’s inside you!” Part of me isn’t sure I really want to see Steve’s magical self. But the rest of me knows I’d never be able to look away.

2. BRET MICHAELS, at Spirit Mountain Casino.

We might not ever see Steve again if we purposely send him inside a gambling palace. It might be worth the risk. For one, Steve will have to endure whatever soft-rock iterations of his non-hits Michaels is showcasing these days, including any “encores.” But he’ll also have to dress like the increasingly ancient Poison singer. That means stubble (NBD for Steve on a Friday) and a wig and a bandana. Sexy-parts-engorging blue eyes are strictly optional. Michaels’ fans—most of them probably wearing bifocals after enduring menopause (male and female!)—may not be able to tell the difference. That would make for a funny writeup. Or they’ll just think he’s the saddest person in a roomful of very sad people. And that, in turn, might make for a boring one.

3. MONDO CROQUET AND MAD HATTER PICNIC, in the Park Blocks.

I’m not entirely clear on what this entails. It’s croquet, which is a sport for royal poofters and WASPs. But the style played here involves “a bowling ball and a sledgehammer.” And if for some reason Steve doesn’t own either of those things (which I highly doubt), they’ve apparently got “plenty of extras to loan out.” (Technically they mean “lend.”)

There’s also a dress-up element, which is either terrifying or amazing: “You’ll enjoy yourself more if you’re dressed appropriately in lawn whites, or Mad Hatter gear, or simply appropriately inappropriate.” I’m not sure anyone should trust Steve to decide for himself what’s “appropriately inappropriate.” (Shudder)