It’s Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Worst. Night. Ever!

It’s back! Welcome to the triumphant return of the Blogtown series we like to call “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday during our weekly “My, What a Busy Week!” pitch meetings, someone suggests an event which is the equivalent of throwing acid in our eyes—but we also realize a more enlightened person might love it! Hence, these “risky” events are often unfairly pushed aside. WELL, NO MORE. Instead of allowing what could be entirely worthy events to vanish forever, we’re asking you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend… whether we like it or not!

Every week an editorial staff member will be presented with three events that do not match their personality or interests… like, AT ALL. And here’s the fun part: YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer. Afterward he or she will review it right here on the blog! NOTE: Everyone’s taste is different, right? So while Dirk might enjoy nothing more than a rousing afternoon of bike-based ballet, it might send Marjorie into rageful fits! That’s why you might find a perfectly pleasant event or two in the list below. Also, competitors must stay for at least two hours (or until the event is over, whichever comes first) and are not allowed to get drunk, or use any substances (drugs) or distractions (phone/reading material) to dull the pain they may experience. Now let’s see who is up this week:

Shit, didn’t I just write one of these? NO MATTER! Worst. Night. Ever. must go on.

Wm. Steven Humphrey, my wise and benevolent boss, enjoys many things: watching television, performing in local theater productions, reading pulp novels, complaining about Aquaman, and insistently iChatting me to “talk about John Stamos.” He’s a pretty hard guy to faze… but here at Mercury HQ, we think we’ve found three events that will faze him.

1. The Canterbury Renaissance Faire in Silverton, Oregon
Note: STEVE HATES FANTASY NERDS. Hates them, hates them, hates them. He is the only person on the planet to have never seen even one of the Lord of the Rings movies. He loudly, repeatedly mocks everyone who watches (or who he suspects might watch) Game of Thrones (naturally, he has never seen an episode). He flies into a blind, frothing rage at the slightest mention of “elves,” “dwarves,” “wizards,” “Harry Potter,” or “centaur,” which I know, because those are the words I type back at him whenever he wants to talk about John Stamos. So please, picture him—in costume, which he has agreed to wear, preferably as some sort of flamboyant wizard—at the Canterbury Renaissance Faire, an organization whose tagline is “Come and Live the Majesty!” Their PR pitch begins thusly:

Come ye come ye for the Canterbury Renaissance Faire! Here you will find fine feasting, amazing artisans, and marvelous performances of the middle ages, Renaissance, and fantasy persuasion. Singers, fiddle, harp, dance novelty acts and more await you the lovely shady grove of White Wind Farms. The Imperial Knights will be jousting, the blacksmiths will be forging, and the players will be entertaining. We also have horse rides and games for the children. So come and join us for a wonderful day at faire!

2. Community HU
I can’t even… okay. Do you think Steve—a man who regularly uses phrases like “At the risk of sounding racist…” and “THAT’S how perky my nipples are!” in his weekly TV column—would be interested in a “simple spiritual exercise that has helped people of many different faiths open their hearts more fully to the uplifting presence of God”? What if I told you there was singing involved? Singing a single word? For TWENTY MINUTES STRAIGHT?

We invite you to join us at the Community HU. We sing this song, pronounced like “hue,” in a long, drawn-out breath, for 20 minutes followed by an inner quiet time of five minutes where we each individually listen to God.

This event will occur at a totally legit-sounding place called the ECKANKAR Center of Portland. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—

3. Comedy by Riggs!
I forgot to note that Steve is also a fan of standup comedy—and as anyone who’s suffered through an opening act at Helium can attest, there is nothing worse than bad standup. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. It is why the word “excruciating” was invented. Is Riggs (“Riggs has a talent for finding the absurdity in everyday life. He leaves no stone unturned”) a “bad” standup comic? Well, that’s up to your taste; I won’t make that call for you, but I will just leave this video here, and note that it involves Riggs discussing how he likes to do “origami” with Asian women’s labias.

If attending Comedy by Riggs!, Steve has agreed to sit in the front row and willingly engage in any and all “audience participation” opportunities. This event takes place at the Main Street Bar and Grill in Battle Ground, Washington, a place that seems pretty fun.

Voting ends at 10 am tomorrow! Get on it!