GUYS! Currently the race to see which awful event Ned Lannamann will have to attend in this week’s WORST. NIGHT. EVER. is close… much, much, too close if you ask me. Currently, it’s almost tied between Ned seeing Sting, and having to take a 16 mile bike ride to tour the areas water wells THAT STARTS AT 8:45 IN THE MORNING. Now, excuse me… but why is fucking Sting even in this equation?? NED ACTUALLY KIND OF LIKES STING! Sure, he’s going to lie to you in the description, playing up Sting’s weaknesses while playing down the fact that he barely knows how to ride a bike, and hates anything that has to do with protecting our natural resources, or getting out of bed before noon.

SO DON’T FALL FOR NED’S LIES!! VOTE FOR THE 16 MILE WATER WELL TOUR THAT STARTS AT 8:45 IN THE MORNING! Voting ends at noon.

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

8 replies on “Make Ned’s Night the WORST. NIGHT. EVER.”

  3. I’m not here for ethics. I’m here for blood.

    NED’S BLOOD.

    Also, if Sting wins, we should have a Dune screening. I know of a place what has screens.

  6. Retire this column, also? I gotta agree with the other poster, the merc has gone from mildly amusing to fairly fucking stupid lately…

  8. We will NOT retire this column, and in actuality we have gone from fairly fucking un-amusing lately to mildly fucking stupid. So get it right, please.

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