Welcome to a new Blogtown series that we like to call “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event (“APRIL 13TH, REVERSE COWGIRL CLINIC FOR THE ELDERLY IN ESTACADA, $75!”) in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!
Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week’s participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE’S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.
After Ezra’s harrowing experience at the 8th Annual Pimps N Ho’s Ball, the mantle of participating in Worst. Night. Ever. has fallen to me. Apparently I did something to piss off my boss. Here we go.
Event #1: Tech N9ne (Mon May 24 at Roseland Theater)
Cons: Not to wh9ne, but the biggest drawback here is Tech N9ne himself, the auteur behind such tracks as “Bitch Sickness,” “Psycho Bitch,” “Call Girlz,” “My Wife, My Bitch, My Girl,” “Psycho Bitch II,” “Here Comes Tecca Nina,” and “Why?” (Indeed.) In addition to performing on his own, Tech N9ne regularly performs at Juggalo Woodstocks.
Pros: There will be beer. Also, I have a fair amount of tolerance for music that other people deem abhorrent, as my surprisingly robust collection of Jimmy Buffett CDs will attest.
Event #2: Reed McClintock’s R-Rated Spellbound: The Hypnosis Show (Thurs May 20 at Bossanova)
Cons: Hypnotists are famous the world over for combining the worst aspects of stand-up comedians, magicians, and STDs into an grotesque spectacle masquerading as entertainment. This one is “R-Rated,” which I assume means a few naughty words will be sprinkled throughout the usual parade of stupefying parlor tricks.
Pros: Maybe afterward, I can get the hypnotist to erase my memory of the evening, Eternal Sunshine-style.
Event #3: Deadly Dancing: A Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre (Fri May 22 at Milwaukie Center)
Cons: An “annual interactive murder mystery dinner theatre!” in beautiful Milwaukie, Oregon, featuring “Ballroom Dancers!”, “Intrigue!”, and “A Murder!” Unless I’m personally allowed to murder at least one ballroom dancer, I do not see any possible way that this evening could be anything other than interminably hellish.
Pros: Hey, they spelled “theater” with an “re” instead of an “er”! That must mean this is a pretty classy production!
Event #4: Speed Dating for Professionals with a College Degree (Tues May 25 at McFadden’s)
I vetoed this one. Despite the fact that (A) I have a college degree (I majored in creative writing, motherfuckers!) and (B) McFadden’s is pretty close to my house (meaning I could numb myself with scotch and drunkenly stumble to and from the event with relative ease), speed dating bundles every single one of my social anxieties into one convenient package. A convenient package I will do anything to avoid.
Event #5: Cuda Cabaret Burlesque Show (Fri May 21 at Barracuda)
Cons: Despite the fact that it’s advertised as “one of Portland’s most revered burlesque revues,” which I assume is intended to be a compliment in some circles, I’m relatively sure this evening would feature little “burlesque watching” and a lot of “the shit getting beaten out of me by popped-collar bridge-and-tunnelers.”
Pros: Close proximity to Magic Gardens, where actual stripping will be taking place.
Got it? Let’s vote! (And may god have mercy on my soul.) Voting ends at 2 pm on Wednesday, May 19.
WHICH EVENT THIS COMING WEEK SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?
Voted “Hypnosis Show” because the squirming embarrassment level should be through the roof, not only with people volunteering to do embarrassing stupid human tricks on stage, but the self-delusion at least 2/3rds of the crowd will be soaking in.
The TechN9ne thing seems like a repeat of last week’s bullshit: Go to a shitty show with shitty fans and mingle with shitty drunk people. Ezra already did it last week. Different week, different flavor of awkward.
I am voting dinner theatre. Little known fact, Erik hates food.
Remember this?
http://blogtown.portlandmercury.com/Blogto…
He eats like a picky little kid, so he’ll be forced to watch the show while his potatoes au gratin grows cold and the waitstaff fuss over his request for a crust-free peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a juicebox.
Better start shining your dancing shoes…
That Tech N9ne show sounds 500 billion times worse than Ezra’s Pimps ‘n Hos show—and its got like 27 similarly horrible bands on the bill! This event makes Sartre’s “No Exit” look like a trip to the cotton candy factory.
EW EW EW interactive dinner theatre EW EW EW.
Cant’ we get a 2/3rds majority and override Erik’s veto? I want Erik to go speed-dating. I’ll dress in drag and go just to spring at rap on him. Wait, what?
Tech N9ne is pretty rad, voting dinner theatre but wishing for speed-dating.
I hope to see you at Cuda Cabaret this Friday, Erik! Rest assured that the popped-collar douchenozzles don’t show up until well after the show is over. In addition, I will be more than happy to comp your admission charge if you are forced to come review our show. My e-mail address is rayleen.courtney@sinnsavvyproductions.com if you’d like to take me up on this. Cheers, buddy!
I might have to add a “most gracious” subcategory on Comment of the Week just for Rayleen’s comment.
Seconded.
I’m going for dinner theatre too. While Cuda Cabaret is probably going to be worse, it does have the possibility of something redeeming in the mix of horror, whereas the dinner theatre ballroom mystery is unlikely to have even an ounce of enjoyment to spare poor Erik.
On another note, I’m curious about your use of “bridge-and-tunnelers?” Was your intention to metaphorically evoke the suburbs, NYC style, or is this a new use of it to indicate eastsider disdain for people from the westside (bridge) and further on the westside (tunnel)? For the record, I’m cool with either one.
First I thought how fun it could be to go to the speed dating thing just to fuck with guys (“Yeah, I have a kid… he’s out in the car, want to meet him?”). Then I went to the web site and realized that I’m over their age range.
I’M TOO OLD. FOR SPEED DATING.
That sound you heard? That was my youth shattering into gajillion razor-sharp slivers and hurling itself into my own internal organs.
After seen Rayleen’s comment, I feel bad for the way I phrased mine. What I meant was that burlesque has the possibility of dipping waaaaaay worse than anything at ballroom murder, but it also could be kinda good. Ballroom murder, on the other hand, is pretty much irredeemable by nature.
Ah, but a good burlesque can be an amusing way to pass an evening. There’s no such thing as good hypnosis.
Hmmm, popped collars. I wonder if anyone is 4 popped collar cool? Prolly not.
But my vote has to go to Cuda Cabaret Burlesque Show. And it would have been my 2nd pick if the Reverse Cowgirl had been on the list.
Hipnosis! C’mon, mans, people will be ‘tized and then forced to do things most unnatural, like do dance moves where they grab their crotches and yell. And Erik will be a zombie during it. etc.
Somebody needs to do speed-dating for obnoxious people, if not Ezra then somebody else.
Intreactiev Dinnre Theatre.
I’m happy to see I’m currently with the majority for some Dinnre Theatre.
@ Alexjon: Mirthburglra!
I once went to an erotic hypnosis show where the hypnotist ran into the audience with a dildo on his head like a unicorn squirting everybody.
I voted for the R-Rated Hypnosis Show.
This entire post was just a trap to get Dave to admit he attended an “erotic hypnosis show.” You fell for it, Bow.
Please come to cuda cabaret! My name is Delilah Sinn…well…that’s my buresque name…my real name is Sterling. I will be performing there. I am an avid Mercury reader and Erik Henrikson has ALWAYS been my favorite. I have something of a crush on Henrikson without even knowing what he looks like…I just love his humor! Also It seems as though Eric and I have the same taste in movies. It’s true Barracuda is broham central, but honestly, those guys really don’t give a crap about burlesque. The audience is really just Portland Burlesque scensters…the douche bags start trickling in later. I realize that Magic will have girls showing it all (and god bless em!) but if you come to Cuda, you will get to see me pour hot wax on my tits. .. and we might even make you laugh. Please come!
Check and mate.
SHENANIGANS! SHENANIGANS!!!!
DISQUALIFY CUDA CABARET NOW FOR BALLOT STUFFING.
REQUALIFY CUDA CABARET NOW FOR WAX ON TITS.
The burlesque show looks totally harmless with at least some enjoyment potential.
I’d vote Tech 9Nne if the show were on a Fri or Sat night down in the belly of the beast. But Mon night? Meh. Not as potential for mayhem or violence.
The naughty portions of the hypnosis show will just be 30-40 something ladies feigning blowjobs. Reminds of a bachelorette party. Wait, that sounds awful.
Dinner theatre could be kinda funny. The interactive part has huge awkward upside.
For owning Buffet CD’s, Erik should have to do more than one of these. Nevertheless, any event even loosely associated with Juggalos gets my vote. This show will be infinitely worse than the P and H Ball. I’m back with Tech N9ne.
What @alexjon said! Also, do they not realize that the point is to send Erik to the worst thing possible? All these burlesque ladies, who seem like lovely women, are trying to convince us that the Cuda Cabaret will be a pleasant, enjoyable evening. If that is to be the case, I move to disqualify it as not meeting the standard to be a contestant!
Absolutely no ballot stuffing here, my dear.
All it took was some Tweets, Facebook posts, and a text campaign– you can see that word has been spreading like wildfire throughout Oregon’s burlesque community. I know we seem small to the rest of the city– but there are many of us who would like to force our city’s most widely-read scenester magazine to come review an authentic burlesque show. I invite the Mercury or anybody else to check the IP addresses of these votes. No foul play here, I can promise you! Just a very widely misunderstood community jumping on an opportunity.
lul! LUL! LULZ!! Cabaret needs to be disqualified because a stripper has a crush on Erik.
Or maybe! Brilliant idea! The cabaret must get Erik on stage. Have the stripper who has a crush on him do a dance on stage for him on him! That won’t trigger any of Erik’s anxiety issues at all.
WAIT ONE FUCKING SECOND.
Cuda Cabaret is missing the point! We don’t want Erik to have fun, that’s why we didn’t vote for you! You are ruining our joy in Erik’s misery! No hot wax! Stop ruining things!!
Rayleen, I’m sure there’s a reason they haven’t reviewed your shows but it’s not really sticking out in my mind. I mean, they’ve gone to strip clubs, they have a yearly amateur porn contest, they have sex-related articles, sex surveys, dance reviews, movie reviews– they aren’t prudish or averse to high art. Heck, the alt-weeklies in Seattle, San Francisco and LA absolutely LOVE their local burlesque houses and events. It’s all so puzzling, Rayleen.
Gosh, what reason could they possibly have to avoid your burlesque shows AND add them to a thing called “Worst. Night. Ever.”?
The best you could get out of this would be a sardonic review that never leaves Blogtown. The worst? Well, I hope you’ve invested in shake weights, dance classes and a good sound system. In either case, please be prepared to get well-acquainted with irony.
I have a solution!
We spin off the Cabaret into the new “Pluckiest Underdog Ever” contest, and instead of just Erik, we all get to go.
But Erik still has to go to dinner theater.
cuda! put on by an amazing production company with a group of sexy add performers…
woof
@ All of you calling for disqualification of Cuda: Whatever.
If this turns out good for Erik, it ensures the survival of the series.
This will probably just end up ensuring that he’s MEGA uncomfortable, anyway.
Dear Mercury,
I’ll review Cuda Cabaret for the free tickets! I am super awkward in the presence of live-performance boobies.
I will be nervous and Barracuda is a nightmare-ish establishment to me.
oh man this is so funny! especially considering that i (the stripper who has a crush on eric) am totally queer. and will have one of my dates on my arm at the show. erik henrikson makes lesbos swoon.
Dear burlesque ladies. Please please please make Erik come onstage for something, anything. He will die. DIE.
What’s with the Mercury’s ill treatment of burlesque? If you have any knowledge of the history of this incredible genre, there’s no sign of it in your paper. I have just about had it with articles on buffalo balls over the coverage of a significant and highly revered form of entertainment that includes elements of extravaganza, vaudeville and highly skilled dancers. It’s obvious from all the strip clubs who buy ads in your paper who you support and why.
“erik henrikson makes lesbos swoon” COMMENT OF THE WEEK!!11!2323432!!!
if he comes…i will do everything in my power to get that boy on stage. maybe i’ll even include him one of my acts. and make him take his shirt off.
I would like to formally change my vote to Cuda Cabaret.
@Sterling: I can provide you with photos of Erik so that you can pick him out of the crowd.
Along with Jonser, I take back my vote for Dinner Theatre and instead want CABARET to win.
I for one love the show.. I get better drinks at that place than any other.. the staff is great, and the show is one of the best I have ever seen.. go cuda cab!
“You can see that word has been spreading like wildfire throughout Oregon’s burlesque community. I know we seem small to the rest of the city…”
Small and Burlesque rarely go hand-in-hand
@Graham
Good point. I think Sterling NEEDS to get Erik onstage, shirtless, and covered in wax. He loves that sort of thing.
I just changed my vote as well.
“i will do everything in my power to get that boy on stage. maybe i’ll even include him one of my acts. and make him take his shirt off.”
VOTE CABARET!
@Sterling You gave me your phone number once! And I did not know you were totally queer. Dammit! I thought I was THIS close. 🙂
You are getting off SO EASY. Um, not in the R-rated way. I mean, compared to what Mr. Caraeff was facing, this is a fucking cakewalk.
That said, I voted for the hypnosis. That one did make me shudder a teensy bit.
I call for a re-vote with a new option replacing this cabaret nonsense.
Erik must attend the midnight showing of Sex and City 2 at Cinetopia in Vancouver. I can’t think of anything worse than being amongst a bunch of greased up, middle-aged ham hocks. Did I mention that it’s in Vancouver?
@jim: The only thing that isn’t small in the burlesque community is the amount of amazing talent and creativity. If you mean literally, I personally know almost all of the top performers and they are all size 8 or way below and a good number of them are under 5’8″. Unfortunately, the only thing that is small are the minds of people speaking poorly of an artform with which they aren’t familiar.
Yay January. I second that. SATC2 in Vantucky with photos of the crowd, of course.
@Dei-light
Check out our history of boozing in Portland, the 1940’s and 1950’s specifically: http://bit.ly/d1TUVb
Yes, I wrote about the buffalo balls too.
I have respect for burlesque. I just wish there was a straight-up burlesque venue in town. Something like Tony Starlights–with live band, tasseled pasties, and fan dancing. A place where I could slick back my hair and wear a suit.
But that’s just me.
Burlesque is just wannabe stripper bullshit. Why it flies in a town of full-nude clubs is a total fucking mystery.
Hey fake alterna-strippers: grow a pair.
Hey Mr. Chunty McHutchence, burlesque is not wannabe stripper bullshit. Stripping and burlesque are both awesome in their own way, but are very very different. Burlesque is the art of strip tease and we aren’t trying to be strippers.
Before you put us “wannabe strippers” down, maybe you should come see a show and see what you’re missing.
@ reymont…queer is an umbrella terminology that is all inclusive. I prefer this identification because I am in fact a equal opportunity dater (granted I lean towards women) and I don’t feel the need to leave out genders besides male and female (ie trans, intersex, non-identified) which deeming myself bisexual (bi as in 2) innately denotes. I probably gave you my phone number with honest intent 😉
as for burlesque being a cheap knock of stripping. i say this – pffffft!!! I actually am employed as a stripper. what i do at work is SO different than what i do when i am performing burlesque. burlesque is an art form, where in it is choreographed, thematic, and often times humorous with underlying societal or political connotations. granted it is provocative and often disrobing is involved, but not always. burlesque can be cheeky, serious, sweet, dramatic, vocal, really it is whatever a performer wishes to express through dance, acting, singing, or words of any kind. the possibility is really endless.
I love cuda cabaret!!!
Cuda Cabaret rocks my world, I’m voting for him to go there just so y’all can eat your “bridge and tunnel crowd” words. Sexy ladies, sexy crowd, yeah.
The ART of strip tease is both beautiful and fascinating, and it should be know for that.
HI! I am a burlesque performer (Ellie Darling), and also produce burlesque shows in the Portland area. I think if you haven’t been to a burlesque show, then you should attend! I heard about this negative talk on here about burlesque, but now that I read the intro, looks like you’re just paired up with events that aren’t something that matches your personality…so I get it! No offense taken, but you should honestly check one out! If Rayleen is offering you free admission, what do you have to lose? ~ Ellie Darling
I don’t understand how Tech Ni9e isn’t winning this. The line about them Juggalos seemed to make it a no brainer. I love this gd mf contest. I’ve bookmarked this shit.
I like how he said “wanna be strippers” anyone can be a stripper in portland. Have you seen the nasty toothless cottage cheese fatties with bullet wounds at your local clubs? I would challenge any of those girls to attempt to get a burlesque gig. The world “strip tease” is what seperates the two. There is no teasing involved with strippers. I am not a burlesque dancer and I probably never could be…the girls have skills, choreography and creativity in their craft.
How many Burlesque clubs are there in Portland anyways…oh yah ZERO. This is just another attempt at a regular club trying something different. In a land of More strip clubs per capita then anywhere else in the nation, why would this form of entertainment strive. It doesn’t. Not knocking the ladies who do it, but lets just call it what it is, a fad. It will be gone by the end of the year. Just like all the other Burlesque shows have been. Seattle and San Fransisco are a better market for this entertainment anyways.