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Welcome to a new Blogtown series that we like to call “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event (“JUNE 14, CELEBRITY KEGEL WORKSHOP AND FISH FRY!”) in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!

Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week’s participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE’S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.

Well, Erik’s Worst. Night. Ever. sure did backfire, internet. Perhaps we can arrange for my worst night to also end with a hot girl giving me flowers? Eh?

Event #1: Alice In Raveland (Sat May 29, TA Event Center)
CONS: Spending a whole night hanging out with people who are still impressed by drug culture’s appropriation of the works of Lewis Carroll. (There’s a reason I dropped out of Reed.) Also, someone might “rave dance” on me.
PROS: Quoth the press release, “This venue is LITERALLY RIGHT NEXT TO THE MAX STOP.” Also, booze, and a chance to win $150 for my Alice in Raveland-themed Cheshire Cat costume.

Event #2: Wet T-Shirt Contest (Fri May 28 at Club Sesso)
PROS: I don’t have to participate. DID YOU HEAR THAT INTERNET? I DO NOT HAVE TO PARTICIPATE.
CONS: Not participating could be awkward. Plus, I have no idea how to navigate the social norms of a sex club.

Event #3: Al Gore Memorial High School (Clinton Street Theater, Thurs May 27)
CONS: This is a one-man show by comedian Aaron Ross—Ross also hosts the faux-talk showThe Ed Foreman Show, which I attended once and did not particularly enjoy.
PROS: Me. I mean, I see shows like this for my job. I have coping mechanisms. Plus, lots of people think Ross is funny. And I’ve never seen his standup—when he’s not wearing a cheap suit and screaming dick jokes, he very well could be.

Event #4: Pokemon Poke-Gym @ the Thunderdome (Guardian Games, noon-3 pm)
CONS: I do not know how to play this game. Also, I don’t really know what all the words in that event title are trying to communicate. My nephew is into Pokemon cards? So I’ve seen those before?
PROS: I nerd-assimilate fairly well. Plus, my mom will be reassured to know that “A Pokemon league is also a great place to go after school to play, or just to hang out. Keeps you out of trouble and your parents know where you are and what you are doing.”

Event #5: Cirque Dreams Illumination (Keller Auditorium, Thurs-Sun)
CONS: As noted, I have coping mechanisms. I also have a breaking point.
PROS: There are none. I veto this one.

WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?

Next week’s contender is Ned Lannamann, to whom I’d like to send out an extra special “fuck you” for introducing Club Sesso into the conversation. Got any events you think Ned would really hate? Send ’em over —we’re looking at the week of June 3-9.

Voting ends Wednesday at 3 pm.

Alison Hallett served nobly as the Mercury's arts editor from 2008-2014. Her proud legacy lives on.

27 replies on “Worst. Night. Ever. #3”

  2. I’ve been to Guardian Games while the Pokemon thingy is going on and they were very nice and sweetly excited to explain stuff to me (and very understanding when I didn’t partake). The only bad thing (if you’re nerd-compatible) was the volume. They were excited!

  7. I sort of feel guilty voting for you to have to go to any of these, but c’mon, there’s some humor in Alice in Raveland, no? Or at least some amusing people-watching. Provided there’s enough booze, and no one making idiotic caterpillar jokes.

  14. For the most part, these just seem boring. Sounds like you drew a good week for WNE. The wet t-shirt contest is the only one that has any potential to be horrifying, but I bet instead it will just be moderately depressing.

  16. C’mon, how could you not vote for the rave one? I was cringing just reading the description.

    Also, what good is sending a reporter to a wet t-shirt contest when there’s no possibility of photos?

  18. She could take pictures of the backs of the ladies?

    Also do men enter wet t-shirt contests?

    These are questions I need answered.

  19. I think you were being flip, but if you go to Alice in Raveland I think you should have to wear a Cheshire Cat costume. That $150 can buy you a new dignity.

  22. @ rangerhunter, it sounds like you (and your superior dedication to journaltainment) are signing up to attend each of the vetoed options and report back to us.

  23. i cant stand a rave. or ravers. or techno. rainbow jools. people in stupid clothes. glow sticks. drugs that make you act like an asshole.

    have fun with that buddeh.

  24. Oh man… There is no coping mechanism for a rave. Even the “if ya’ can’t beat ’em…” mentality just makes things worse.

  25. From the Ron Jeremy’s Club Sesso website:
    “Boobs…Who does not love boobs? Big, Medium, Little, Firm, Soft…there is a boob for everyone. What better way to celebrate the beloved breast than a wet t-shirt contest. Whether you participate or stomp your feat and clap your hands cheering those on who do, come join us for what is sure to be a boob filled night of fun.”

    If this contest had any teeth, Sesso’s previous night’s event would’ve been a candidate:
    4TH THURSDAY GANG BANG
    “These are our most extreme party of the month. If you like your sex on the extreme side, or if you simply enjoy watching extreme sex come join us.GangBang Parties are for those who enjoy women who enjoy multiple partners. There is never any pressure or requirement to play or get naked. Watching is ok. You would be surprised how many couples enjoy this hardcore sexy fantasy.”

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