1273510254-worst.jpeg

Welcome back to the ongoing Blogtown series “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event (“JUNE 17, ANNUAL AIR GUITAR TUG-O-WAR AND JELLY-OFF!”) in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to keep them and allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!

Every week—until we get bored with this idea, or someone dies—a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. Each week’s participant can veto a single event, but that is all. HERE’S THE FUN PART (FOR YOU): From the remaining entries, YOU will vote on and pick the event that must be attended by our unlucky staffer and then reviewed here on the blog.

Oh, if only my co-workers would send me to a wet T-shirt contest or a burlesque show. Alas, they know me all too well and have come up with a list tailor-made to elicit the most unhappy emotions possible from me…. Or so they think! Actually, some of these items don’t seem too bad to me at all—and a couple look downright pleasant. But there is at least one thing on this list (and possibly more) that is gripping my heart with terror. Will you, Blogtownies, be able to guess which of these is my personal Worst. Night. Ever.?

Event #1: Alone in the Unknown (Thurs June 3-Sat June 5, Lents Commons)
CONS: This show is described as “a theatrical experience with all original music and a story about the mind’s effect on reality.” Um, so it is a play? It’s the first production staged at the new Lents Commons art space in SE Portland, and this could actually go either way.
PROS: It’s the theater, so it can only make me smarter. Plus I could always stand to learn more about the mind’s effect on reality.

Event #2: Sting (Fri June 4-Sat June 5, Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall)
CONS: As the closest thing Mercury Editorial now has to an English person, it stands to reason that I hate all Scottish people. And Sting is the most hate-able Scot of all. He’s performing with an orchestra, which should take the harsh edges out of aggressive fare like “Fields of Gold.” Plus, I bet he’ll talk about the rain forest a whole bunch.
PROS: “Every Breath You Take” played on the lute. That is a pro, right?

Event #3: Bike Tour of Portland’s Drinking Water Wells (Sat June 5, various locations throughout Portland)
CONS: At least one other Mercury writer is attending this ride voluntarily, but anti-bike and -water advocate Wm. Steven Humphrey thinks this sounds boring and terrible, hence its inclusion on this list. It’s a tour around the drinking water wells throughout Portland: “Learn about the safety, functionality and history of Portland’s underground drinking water system, which supplements our main supply from the Bull Run.” This actually sounds fine. Plus, look at how much fun they’re having in the picture!
PROS: Exercise, fresh air, and lots of cool clean water to drink.

Event #4: Oregon Bears Bear Paw Beer Bust and Bear-B-Q (Sun June 6, the Eagle)
CONS: My co-workers think sending me to a gay bar is hilarious, but I suspect it wouldn’t be nearly as uncomfortable as they’re imagining. I have a schedule conflict with this one, so it sadly gets my veto.
PROS: Beer, barbecue, and gentlemanly comradeship all sound delightful. Perhaps I’ll attend next month’s Bear BBQ, contest or no.

Event #5: Clown Town at Waterfront Village (Wed June 9, Rose Festival)
CONS: Unlike some of my co-workers (Ezra Ace Caraeff, I am looking in your direction), I am not deathly afraid of clowns. In fact, one of my close friends is a clown. (Weirdly, this is true—long story.) But hanging out with a bunch of little kids in the “Clown Town” section of Waterfront Village has been deemed to be punishment. (Side note: You’ll notice that the June 4 Insane Clown Posse concert is nowhere on this list. It was decided by my co-workers that a journey into the clown’s mouth can actually be pretty fun, not to mention how many times we’ve already gone to the Juggalo well for Blogtown fodder.)
PROS: Hanging out at the Rose Festival for a couple hours? Doesn’t sound too terrible. Plus, I think Clown Town is during the day, which means I get to skip work.

WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?

Let’s not have a repeat of the last two Worst. Night. Evers, in which the participants actually had a decent time. Don’t let it happen again, Blogtownies! Vote mean, and vote hard.

Voting ends at 3 pm tomorrow, Wednesday June 2!

Ned Lannamann is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. He writes about film, music, TV, books, travel, tech, food, drink, outdoors, and other things.

33 replies on “Worst. Night. Ever. #4”

  2. GUYS! Vote for the well tour!! Ned is lying and is deathly afraid of bicycling 16 miles to tour water wells!

  5. I urge you to take my advice, Blogtown readers: Do not be fooled by Ned’s false enthusiasm. VOTE FOR THE BIKE RIDE.

    1) It lasts for FIVE HOURS.

    2) It is 16 MILES LONG.

    2a) Ned does not ride a bike. He might not even know how.

    3) “At several stops along the ride, Portland Water Bureau staff will reveal the mysteries of groundwater.”

  9. Since all of these sound like a Mediocre. Night. Ever., I’ll take the Merc staff recommendations and vote bike ride.

  10. Ok, but when you have it written as “wells” it sounds boring. But this is a RESERVOIR tour, yeah? Those are pretty neat!

  14. Just for the record, I am NOT the staffer who is going on the 16 mile water education bike ride voluntarily.

    But only because I am going to a state government yard sale in Salem, a bicycle potluck and a bicycle awards show that same day.

  16. God, I’m so torn between the bike ride and Sting for Ned’s WNE. He’s going to hate both of them soooooo much. There is a slight possibility of drinking at the Sting show, plus he could bring a friend to offset the horribleness. There’s very little drinking (of the alcoholic variety) on the bike ride. Ah, I just made up my mind! Sweet, sweet water for Ned!

  19. @Suburban Porn King

    Born near Newcastle. Right you are. Huh, why did I think he was originally from Scotland?

    At least he’s not WELSH.

    (Cheap joke aside, it makes little difference. Savvy Mercury readers will know that there are plenty of Scottish bands that I adore. Like this one)

  20. i love all of you mercury folks very much, and i wish you had gone for more gusto with your event nominations. sting might have hot chorus singers and might butcher a good Police tune. a lazy bike tour sounds easy, clowns are tolerable, and a one-person show that might teach you mind control has value. i want WNE to continue, just sayin nominations have room to improve. so far ezra’s was the only scary lineup.

  21. I’ll go to bat for Sting as a lifelong Police superfan, so there’s no way that gets my vote. Well tour sounds boring but probably beneficial and educational.

    I vote Clown Town with the provision that Ned has to go alone in a trenchcoat and mustache.

  22. @kreitler
    You know how sometimes you have a week where a ton of awesome stuff happens, and then other weeks when absolutely NOTHING is going on? Ned’s was one of those weeks. HOWEVER! There’s nothing to prevent YOU or any other Blogtown reader for nominating future events if you hear about them! Just hit the Blogtown tipper next to the logo, and nominate away!

  25. Bike.

    Sitting with a friend, drinking and snarking at Sting is way to passive an activity. You could get stoned and have a blast. The same applies to clown town.

    Mount up, lil’ bikey boy!

    Shame on the Merc for avoiding all things Juggalo-related. How does that fuckin’ work?

  27. @ 2squat: if we eliminate all activities where you could conceivably get stoned and have a blast, we’re pretty much left with just straight-up torture.

  31. Now that voting is closed, I feel comfortable in disclosing this: You voted for the event I was most interested in doing. So, thanks! Most of my co-workers (though not all) were pretty much barking up the wrong tree about what I dreaded most, and you followed their lead. Well done. Also: the weather Saturday is looking promising.

    Here’s the bad: While I think the bike ride will be enjoyable, I can’t think of ANY way to make a lengthy blog post about a tour of Portland’s well field remotely interesting in any capacity. So, look forward to reading that!

Comments are closed.