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Welcome back to the ongoing Blogtown series “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event (“Drum circle lovers’ social mixer at Union Jack’s!”) in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers to decide which of these events one of us should attend!

Every week, a new staff member will be presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. YOU vote on and pick the event that our unlucky staffer must attend and then review here on the blog.

Here’s the bad news: Patrick totally fucked up his Worst. Night. Ever. Even though he’s the inspiration for this entire column, the Craigslist “Punch Party for Guys” never sent him the details and the Exploration of Self Playshop was canceled.

Good news: Usually staffers veto one of the choices, but I’m skipping my veto because I’m pretty cocky about my ability to enjoy terrible events, seasoned by city council meetings to endure hours of social pain and boredom. So here are my options.

Erosfest Sol Sensual Celebration (Thurs, 7/1, Ambridge Events Center)
CONS: The performers for this group that celebrates “the source of life and the feel of the rising sun within you” includes “Jasmine Rain, Body Paint Girl, The Monkey Puzzle Players and More!!!!!!!” and it doesn’t say what they perform, so I assume they’re either taking off their clothes or doing tribal drumming.
PROS: It says there will be snacks. I love snacks.

$2 Vancouver Christian Hip Hop Show (Thurs, 7/1, The Grange Hall, Vancouver)
CONS: Performers include groups named “Jerm” “Oracle & Kevlar” “Grravigty” … I would feel bad making fun of people with obvious mental illness. Plus, everyone will be sober and probably trying to get me to join their youth group.
PROS: I’m actually curious about how the hell this exists. I think I’d take a clipboard and interview people.

Flawless Bang’n’ 4th of July Party (Sunday, 7/4, Club 915)
CONS: Have you seen the flyer for this event? The girl on it has giant boobs and no one can spell. This is going to be like the time I auditioned for the Bad Girls reality TV show for fun and then it wasn’t funny at all and just made me think about alcoholism.
PROS: People will be wasted and having hilarious fights.

Stripperoke (Sunday, 7/4, Devil’s Point)
CONS: Patrick pitched this because he knows I am made seriously uncomfortable by two Portland standbys—strip clubs and karaoke. You know what I don’t need in my life? Being forced to sing Love Shack while there are ass cheeks in my face.
PROS: Maybe I’ll meet some cute lapsed Christian hip hoppers.

18+ Foam Party (Wed, 6/30, FX Dance Club)
CONS: I watched a video of this party online and everyone’s wearing white tank tops and grinding on each other. There are definitely going to be guys touching my ass. And their hands will reek of Axe body spray. There’s also a bikini contest?
PROS: It’s possible I could just seek refuge from the foam at the bar’s high stools. Wait. Is there a bar in this place?

Sarah Shay Mirk reported on transportation, sex and gender issues, and politics at the Mercury from 2008-2013. They have gone on to make many things, including countless comics and several books.

19 replies on “Worst. Night. Ever. #7/8”

  1. http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=1255…

    FB group for Sol Sensual. From what I understand, it’s like a rave with some pretty sweet DJs (DJ Global Ruckus anyone?) but it sounds super sexual on the flyer because it’s summer-themed.

    I voted for Flawless because I of this phrase: This is going to be like the time I auditioned for the Bad Girls reality TV show for fun and then it wasn’t funny at all and just made me think about alcoholism.

    Also… Stripperoke is actually FUN (besides waiting for your song)! I guess the theme is that people think it’s funny to combine you + boobs?

  4. Aw Jesus, Sarah, that “Erosfest” “Sol” “Sensual” “Celebration” sounds like the worst fucking thing ever. I vomited after reading just a couple of sentences into their events page. I voted for you to go to that one.

  8. I have actually attended the party at FX, you see in the past I had a Persian friend and it was… by far… the worst night i’ve ever had. Somehow the bubbles smell like body odor.

    ENJOY!

  11. This was a tough one. They all sound incredibly horrible, but the foam party seems particularly disturbing. Probably because you won’t know where people’s hands and “parts” are unless you feel ’em slithering on you. _ew!
    Although xtian hip hop would undoubtedly leave you with a lingering headache.

  12. Stripperoke is fun, that’s out. 4th of July party will have fireworks, that’s out.
    Jesus Hip Hop: yeah, lots of bibles, sobriety and terrible music(?). It will end early.
    Erosfest will have naked people, but won’t require you getting naked necessarily, so it’s out.
    Which leaves an 18+ foam party. Likely no booze, you will be soaked on a night where it will be 51 degrees outside, and there’s a high probability of a post-party police report. Gets my vote.

  17. Smirk is okay with 12,000 naked people riding their bikes through town, but strippers and karaoke make her uncomfortable?

  19. Wow. This is by far the worst so far. Smirk, you are a champ. A champ who is going to a Foam Party. That probably doesn’t have booze.

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