Welcome back to the ongoing Blogtown series “Worst. Night. Ever.” Every Wednesday during our weekly pitch meetings, there is one member of our editorial staff—this is almost always Patrick Alan Coleman—who blurts out an event (“Thursday July 15, Chlamydia Potluck in the Park, $15, bring your own specimen!”) in the hopes that we will recommend it in the paper. Instead of just letting these events go ignored, we decided to allow you—yes, YOU—the Blogtown readers decide which of these events one of us should attend!
Every week, a new staff member has been presented with five events that do not match their personality or interests. YOU vote on and pick the event that our unlucky staffer must attend and then review here on the blog.
Stand by for Courtney’s wrap-up of her WORST. NIGHT. EVER. from this past weekend… let’s just say she’s been delayed by “shrinkage.” GUYS! This week marks the season finale of WORST. NIGHT. EVER. which we promise will return in one form or another in the future. But let’s go out with a bang, shall we? It’s a scientific fact that I am a loathsome creature who deserves all the evil and sadness this world has to offer. So pick me out a good one, okay?!? (As a reminder, these events may not be as awful to most people as they are to me. They were chosen with my personal neurosis and uncomfortableness in mind.)
TRIBAL FUSION BELLYDANCE WORKSHOP (Thursday, July 15, The Lotus Seed).
CONS: This is an advanced belly dancing class “with choreography designed to challenge,” and previous dance experience is recommended. The level for potential embarrassment is high. It costs $60 (though it’s on the Mercury’s tab). The term “tribal fusion” is in the title.
PROS: Guys, the teacher is totally hot! Take a look for yourself. Also, I love to dance, and I’ll probably leave with some sick moves.
SMASH MOUTH CONCERT (Thursday, July 15, The Oregon Garden, Silverton, OR).
CONS: ACK!!! You’re kidding me, right? These are the douchebags who sang “All Star,” “Walkin’ on the Sun,” and completely murdered the Monkees’ “I’m a Believer” on the Shrek soundtrack. I’ll be surrounded by douches singing along with douches. I’m bringing a cyanide capsule with me on this one.
PROS: It’s outside?
STRING SUMMIT MUSIC FESTIVAL (Friday, July 16 – Sunday, July 18, Horning’s Hideout).
CONS: You guys know how much I despise hippies, right? This is gonna be Hippie Grand Central Station. THREE FREAKING DAYS of long-winded, droning hippie jam bands, that will make me want to stab my ears off. And the stench! And the smell of dope, which I hate! And some creeps from the Grateful Dead! BLECHH!!
PROS: Worst Night Ever rules state I only have to stay for three to five hours. Hopefully death will be quicker than that.
CRYSTAL HEALING FOR BEGINNERS (Friday, July 16, Clark College, Vancouver, WA).
CONS: This description says it all: “A beginner’s class in “Crystal Healing”. Science has proved that stones are not dead matter. Stones are fully alive, powerful and vibrate with energy—that is why Quartz is set into watches to provide highly accurate time. [??????!!!!!!] Since antiquity crystals have been used for healing as they resonate with the crystalline nature of the human body. Good for all situations and all ages. Discover the power of nature.”
PROS: Maybe they can fix my broken watch?
[UPDATE! The Christian Battle of the Bands event we had listed earlier isn’t happening, but we’ve actually found a more torturous Christian music event—if that’s possible?]
HARVEST FEST CHRISTIAN MUSIC FESTIVAL (Friday July 16-Sunday July 18, Port of Kalama, WA ).
CONS: Gaaahhh! Another THREE day jam fest, but this time with (even worse) CHRISTIANS! Here’s the lineup: Hyperstatic Union, Noonday Sun, Kate White, Alisa Childers of ZoeGirl, News @11, Briksa, Sixteen Cites, Chuck Girard and Love Song, etc, with speakers including Girard, Pastor Chuck Smith, Ben Box, Pastor Rob Neuschwander and Brad “the sin butcher” Butcher. In addition I’ve already stupidly promised the gang that I will be baptized if the situation arises. But do not mistake me: I REALLY, REALLY DO NOT LIKE CHRISTIANS. (Plus, I can’t even get wasted!) C’mon, people! Even Jesus wasn’t crucified like this!
PROS: I sincerely can’t think of a single one.
WHICH EVENT SHOULD I BE FORCED TO ATTEND?
Like many of my non-chicken shit predecessors, I forgo my right to veto one of these events. VOTING ENDS TOMORROW AFTERNOON AT 3 PM! I would ask for mercy, but you know nothing of the word.
Having a hot chick giving you hands-on belly dancing lessons is not the worst night ever. Nice try though. But if you really want to find out, the Merc could pay me to do it instead….
I went to the jam band/hippie freak out at Hornings Hide Out a long long time ago. It was a great weekend, but I was generally much more stoned/shroomed back then.
My first thought was Smash Mouth, but I think you’d actually have a blast laughing at all the idiots. At least crystal healing for beginners will make it a little more awkward for you to cackle like a banshee. ; D
I like Smash Mouth! They’re happy. That’s not a crime!
re: Smash Mouth.
That pro is most definitely a con, in context. It’s outside IN SILVERTON.
Looks like Humpy’s getting him some Jesus!
Hey I’m going to the String Summit! I’m hoping to wrangle me a tie-dye wearing beared patchoulie reeking guy who will dazzle me with recollections from various Phish concerts and eat all my food while adorning my couch and hogging the remote for days!
I believe even this guy is going to be a model citizen compared to the hippies and whackjobs you’re going to encounter at the crystalfest WSH!
Belly dancing with a hottie: that’s cheating.
String Summit: someone will slip you some pot brownies, you proceed to get hungry and have fun.
Smash Mouth: Yes, they suck, but you’ll wind up singing the songs better than the band can. Their set list can only possibly be 4-5 songs. Also, with the nice weather this week, it won’t be bad.
Crystal Healing: sound like a bunch of idiotic crap where they will try to sell you $600 healing crystals (see Penn & Teller Bull&$!%). It’s in the couv, but it’s only 1.5 hours. TOO SHORT!
Christian music: 3-5 hours. In beautiful Kalama. I only hope Brad “the sin butcher” gets ahold of you. Mr Fabulous has a winner. Go get some JESUS!
Brad “the sin butcher” Butcher??? Ben Box? THE Ben Box? This line-up is gold!
Actually, I have no idea if it’s gold but who’s not intrigued by some of the names? Plus, I guarantee there will be hot chicks there, many of whom with suppressed urges to join the dark side. Who better to coerce them than the Merc’s very own first-born spawn of satan?
Wait, no. Hot chicks=fun. Vote something else, people!
I was torn, guys, but crystal healing is ripe for hilarity.
SMASH MOUTH! And you should go painted in GOLD! Also I want to know how fat the lead singer has gotten. My guess: really, really fat and balding also.
no booze + purity ring wearing prickteases + self-righteous bros waving their hands in the air + haranguing from the god squad = worst night ever. ever.
PRAISE JESUS!
holy shit. i never thought i’d see the day where something other than a smashmouth concert would define the world’s worst WNE. sorry humpy, off to harvestfest you go. i’m already laughing hysterically.
Smash Mouth is too easy. You can just stand in a corner. I’m surprised the Christian fest is out front. Due to an acquaintance of mine I’ve actually seen Hyperstatic Union at an indian casino once. If all the bands are like them it’s not going to be that bad. They drink like fishes despite singing their love for the dear lord sweet baby Jesus.
Crystal Healing for Beginners is clearly the most awkward.
Easily Harvest Fest.
For what it’s worth, the crystal thing would make you more relatable with that Spencer guy.
The sociologist in me is fascinated by the xian fest. It would be compelling enough to sustain me for three hours. The hippie gathering on the other hand….moe.? Mickey Hart and endless drum pieces? Fuck that. I get panicky and anxious just imagining being stuck in that crowd with that music.
What’s that? “I only have to stay for three to five hours”? If you had any balls, you’d stay for the whole weekend. Chicken.
I picked the crystal healing event purely out of the selfish hope that a hilarious story would be the result, even though the Christian music event would be far more torturous and boring. Ironically, Christian ‘fun’ events most resemble how I would imagine hell to be (dull, endless and filled with a sea of clueless douchebags (cluechebags. You’re welcome.), if it was real, but it isn’t, so they try to prove the point by creating it on Earth.
But the New Agers are much more humorous in their delusional douchebaggery (delushbag? ach.). I used to be marginally involved with these people in a business capacity and I have to say I have never seen such a more economically efficient convergence of con-men and marks outside of Vegas.
I’m expecting big things out of the writeup. Please don’t let me down.
Christian Fest all-the-way. They’ll think Humps is a pedo and have him followed.
Christians. Because I really want them to see Steve gush about a teenaged boy.
Fine it looks like harvest fest. But you have to bring a rock and try and “heal” some christians.