This recap is even hotter than the episode itself.
  • Courtesy of The Baltimore Sun
  • This recap is even hotter than the episode itself.

Fuck, alright. It's Monday night again, which means there's only one thing standing between me and the bleary-eyed horror that is Tuesday morning, and that's The Bachelor. Got your sweats on? Me too. Let's do this. Read last week's recap if you need to catch up.

The show starts and we get a preview of the episode to come. And let me tell you, I’m hooked. Actually, I'm not. Just looks like a bunch of context-less drama. Maybe that's the hook? "Stick around and these tears will make sense. Probably."

More after the JUMP!! It's lengthy so strap in. This show is two godforsaken hours, every week!

The contestants wake up from their first night in the house. All of them gush about Ben, the Love-Quester. Here's some context: Ben is the best. One of the twins says he's "The greatest bachelor on the planet of history." A little blood comes out of my nose.

They start things off with a bang. A DATE CARD arrives. The girls grab their mimosas (mimosas!) and gather 'round to hear all about it:

It’s group date. Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer, and Lace are picked. "Let's learn about love," the card says. Lace is sure this is her chance to redeem her drunken craziness from the first night. Little does Lace know, but there is no redemption for her, she is doomed to be herself until the day she dies.

The chosen girls pull up to a high school. So this date’s theme is the awkwardness of dating in high school? If this show was anything like my dating life in high school Ben would end up dating the super Christian girl because they were the last two picked for teams in dodgeball.

Anyway, the girls are split into groups of two so they can compete in High School themed challenges! First up: Science class. Volcanos! The last team to make their volcano erupt loses.

The next challenge is “Lunch Class” which isn’t a thing in real life despite all my letters to the school board. In this challenge, the girls have to bob for apples, pass it to their team member, then put it on a tray.

Geography! They have to pin Indiana (Ben's home state) on a map without the other states to guide them. They are all awful. America loses again. But states are hard. I doubt you’re any better, smarty pants. You try your luck.

State lines wont matter after the fall.
  • State lines won't matter after the fall.

Anyway, Gym Class! Time for some free throws! These girls are all a bunch of Dwight Howards, not because they're girls though. My internet beefaroni, Mandi the dentist, wins it.

The final competition is a track race that pits Mandi against Amber. There's hurdle jumping and slow motion involved. Mandi from Portland wins. I’m almost proud of her until I remember what she was competing for. Ben and Mandi drive away in a convertible. She’s given a sash and a tiara and a letterman jacket and a fleeting memory of when she peaked in life.

This time Im the queen, Stacey!
  • Courtesy of The Baltimore Sun
  • This time I'm the queen, Stacey!

Later that evening, and the drinking starts. Here are the highlights:

Becca pulls Ben aside to shoot some hoops and chat. Ben keeps missing shots and blaming his shirt like LeBron.

Ben kisses Jennifer, 25, small business owner from Florida. When she goes back to the group she tells them. That makes Lace seethe.

Back at the House the girls who weren’t chosen for the group date freak out because the doorbell rings. ANOTHER DATE CARD. This one is a one on one. It’s for Caila. She gets to join Ben for "a day of surprises"

Back at the group date, Lace feels ignored (surprise) so she interrupts Ben’s time with another girl. She apologizes for her behavior the night before. But she steamrolls over his attempt to communicate about it, because even though she’s “not that girl” she’s totally that fuckin' girl. Anyway, because Lace is oblivious, she thinks there’s a moment going on between them. I mean, they’re “basically eye fucking” but then OH NO! Here comes Jubilee to kick Lace out. But Lace vows to get more time with Ben before the night is over.

Ben and Jubilee: She was born in Haiti and adopted when she was six. She’s also a veteran. There's a connection there. They kiss. Jubilee goes back and tells the group about it which sets Lace OFF. And she lets everyone know she feels like she didn't get enough time with Ben (even though she totally did, guys). The other girls call her out on that. But Lace is like, “Fuck these bitches... these bitches can suck it!” Her words, not mine.

So Lace barges in, again, interrupting some other girl’s time with Ben. The group gets pissed about it and it’s all awkward silence and icy glares when she comes back. JoJo especially feels bad about all the time Lace has gotten, but no worries Ben is here to take her away for some alone time. They go up to the roof where there’s a helicopter pad that reminds me of the roof of the Nakatomi Plaza, and now I’m wishing that I was watching Die Hard instead of this garbage. Yipee-Ki-Yay Mr. Bachelor! JoJo and Ben kiss a long kiss. She’s "so happy" and "has 100% developed feelings for Ben." Great.

But now it’s time to give the group date rose to one girl and there’s no suspense about it, he gives it to JoJo.

The next day is Ben’s one-on-one date with Caila. She’s the one who dumped her long-term boyfriend because she fell in love watching Ben on the Bachelorette last season. But oh damn, here’s a twist: Ice Cube and Kevin Heart walk in to promote their new movie. Ice Cube, man. I thought the movie Road Trip destroyed the last remnants of his gangster rap cred, but this is officially the whitest thing he’s done for money yet.

Kevin and Cube tag along on Ben's one-on-one date with Caila.

Back at the house, the girls are trying to imagine what the date could be. A red carpet event maybe? Nope. It’s a liquor store. Cube gets Ben to buy condoms. Smart idea Cube. We can’t, as a society, afford to have these people procreate. Ben and Caila try and have their date convo, but Kevin and Cube keep interrupting. It's mildly funny, you can tell that Kevin and Cube don't have their hearts in it. Later they sit in a hot tub in a hot tub store.

Me too Kevin. Me too.
  • Courtesy of The Baltimore Sun
  • Me too Kevin. Me too.

Kevin ends the segment with “I think today’s ride along is going to sit well with the two of them” Go see Ride Along 2 in theaters January 15th. Or don't. Jesus Christ, don't. Or do. I'm not your keeper.

Back at the house, Amanda FaceTimes with her kids. She hasn’t told Ben about them yet, but she hasn’t really had time with him really yet so you can understand. Can't you? You heartless monster.Another date card comes, it's time to set up GROUP DATE 2: Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, Amanda. "Are we a perfect match?"

Back to Caila’s one-on-one. Finally some alone time. Caila is a dreamer looking for someone who compliments her. Caila doesn’t tell Ben why she broke up with her last BF. Ben offers her the date rose. (Newbie tip: if you go on a one-on-one and you don’t get the rose, then your ass goes home). The date ends with them going to a theater that says "Ben and Caila" on the marquee. Amos Lee is inside playing a private concert for them. I don’t know who the hell Amos Lee is, but these two sure do. Which I assume means you can buy all his albums at Starbucks.

Time for group date two. The girls go to “The Love Lab.” There’s a bunch of science-y folks in lab coats. Time for experiments! First up: Retinal tracking. Then some sweet, sweet sweat pheromone sniffing.

Is that... is that... Pizza!?
  • Courtesy of The Baltimore Sun
  • Is that... is that... Pizza!?

Then they match Ben up one by one with each girl and send the others out to watch them touching on thermal imaging. Watching the thermals (not to be confused with The Thermals) makes the girls super uncomfortable. Afterward, the scientist starts RANKING the match ups. Sam gets the lowest score, Olivia gets the highest. Olivia says "winning" while giving double thumbs up. A little tiger blood comes out of my nose.

Group date 2 part 2: Since Olivia won, she gets to go off with Ben. They kiss. Amanda starts going off on Olivia, she has "bad vibes" about her. I have bad vibes about agreeing to recap this show all season. But I have bad vibes about Oliva too, since she keeps opening her mouth so wide, it's obvious that she wants to devour the planet:

I am Galacticus, devourer of worlds!
  • Texted to me by a friend.
  • I am Galacticus, devourer of worlds!

There's a short montage of moments with the girls. Turns out Shushanna is an actual Russian who came to America with $500, and two bottles of vodka. Unfortunately, she speaks English. Amanda (using more, like, likes than, like, Facebook) tells Ben she has two daughters: Kinsley, and... Jarley? Charley? Yeah has to be Charley. Jarley isn’t a real name and I refuse to rewind the DVR to check. Anway, kids don’t scare Ben, so they kiss.

Ben has to award the second group date rose, and he picks Olivia. Which bums Amanda out. She starts crying and questioning why she’s even there when she has kids at home. I guess maybe she isn’t quite ready for dating yet after all.

Now it’s time for the cocktail party/rose ceremony.

Olivia steals Ben. Which is bullshit because she already HAS a rose. The other girls are not cool with it. Lace pulls Olivia aside. Lace frames it as “just wanting to get to know her” but immediately confronts her, and starts vomiting her insecurities. Olivia tells her to just go for it. So Lace pulls Ben aside. Tells him that she has reasons that she is the way she is. She starts rambling nonsense, but she’s interrupted by another girl. Lace goes off into a room to cry. Telling the camera that "the Lace that she was wasn’t supposed to be" came out. I have no idea what’s going on, nor do I want to. Sounds like she's a werewolf, which would be fucking RAD.

Ben goes on a tour doing "cute" things. He gives Lauren B. a photo from the first time they met, AKA a still frame from last episode. He gives another girl a blue ribbon for volcanoes, which isn’t nearly as awesome as it sounds. Then he sits down with Amanda to make hair barrettes for her daughters, which is so corny that it seems like a producer’s idea.

Now it’s time for the ROSE CEREMONY. Caila, Oliva, and JoJo are already safe. Here are the girls that get roses:

Amanda, Jubilee, Lauren B, Leah, Becca, Rachel, Lace!, LB—

But wait! LB pulls Ben aside mid-ceremony to tell him that she doesn’t know that she can be here. She leaves voluntarily. My respect for her soars! But that doesn’t mean the ceremony is over. One more girl is still going home. The ceremony continues:

Jennifer, Emily, Jamie, Lauren H, Shushanna, and Haley all make the cut.

Final rose - down to Amber and Sam and Mandi, and another girl. It goes to Amber. That means Mandi, Sam, and another girl go home.

The good news is Mandi, my internet beef tartare from PDX, is off the show and can no longer embarrass us. The bad news is she’s back in our streets, lurking, waiting.

Next week: Olivia drama! Lace drama! JUBILEE DRAMA!