Then where are your juggling pins and motley?
  • Courtesy of @bachelorABC
  • Then where are your juggling pins and motley?

The Portland Trailblazers just won an intense 112-106 game against the Memphis Grizzlies in overtime. My heart is pounding. I’m filled with joy, and excitement. And now I have to watch The Bachelor. This is like when you get so high that you forgot you ordered a pizza for yourself, except instead a pizza it’s a box full of live spiders.

You can catch up on last week’s recap here: Click to open the box of spiders, even though you know you shouldn’t a voice commands you to, like an itch you can’t help but scratch.

Last week ended on a cliffhanger. Ben had been told some things about Olivia that threw his relationship into question and now he wants to get to the bottom of it. We pick up right where we left off, with Ben pulling Olivia aside at the rose ceremony. WHAT WILL HAPPEN??

Find out how that goes after the JUMP>>>

Ben confronts Olivia and tells her he’s heard some things about her not getting along with the others. Olivia boils it down to jealousy, and that she’s aloof because she “doesn’t like to paint her nails” and she likes to “read books in her room.” She says she really likes thinking, then she literally says, “I want to talk smart things.” I WANT TO TALK SMART THINGS. The grammar software on my computer wants me to fix that sentence, but I can’t change reality grammar software, I just can’t. Also, stop telling me what to do, grammar software! I won’t kill for you. Not again.

I dont care if he used the wrong your he doesnt deserve to die.
  • Courtesy of @bachelorABC
  • I don't care if he used the wrong 'your' he doesn't deserve to die.

Anyway, Ben and Olivia come back to the ceremony, and she still has her date rose from last episode. The girls feel defeated. They thought for sure Olivia was going home. Emily is furious that Ben is falling for Olivia’s act since she’s the one who started this. Oh-Mylanta, Ben! What are you thinking?

ROSE CEREMONY: Caila, Lauren B, JoJo, Becca, and Leah’s names are called and they get roses. Throughout the ceremony, Emily is scared that she could go home for telling Ben about Olivia’s general fuckfacededness. Fuckfacededness? Yeah, let’s roll with that.

Now It’s down to Emily and Jennifer. Who is Jennifer? That’s what Ben is wondering, so he sends her home. (By the way, Jennifer is a small business owner, the lifeblood of the American economy. Show some respect.)

Ben tells the girls where they’re going next week: The Bahamas. Now we get the episode preview, but it’s too late to go into it. You can’t just start an episode in the middle, man. I usually put the preview before the Jump, but we’re WAY past that now. Get your shit together Bachelor.

We come back and the pretty mamas are already in the Bahamas (note Beach Boys reference). Chris Harrison arrives to tell them what’s in store for the week: 3 dates. A 1-on-1 date, a group date and… a 2-on-1 date. The rules of the 2-on-1 are like the Thunderdome, two men enter, one man leaves.

An example of a 2-on-1 date.
  • An example of a 2-on-1 date.

The 1-on-1 goes to: Caila. Leah is shocked because Caila has already gone on a 1-on-1 and Leah hasn’t. She’s pissed. Leah to this point has been a nonentity. She would make an amazing spy—no one would ever notice her.

For their 1-on-1 Ben takes Caila deep sea fishing. Ben argues that he needs another 1-on-1 with Caila even though some of the other girls haven’t had one, because his last date with Caila was stepped on by Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. Ben and Caila catch a fish, and Ben forces her to kiss it. The patriarchy is fucking weird, you guys.


Back at the hotel: Leah doesn’t understand why he would keep her this late in the process. She lives 10 minutes away from Ben in real life, they could have met at a bar, but the universe brought them together in this process—all Leah’s words. She bummed that despite all that, Ben isn’t really connecting with her or giving her a chance. Personally, I don’t think the universe does anything on purpose. It just smashes things together and tears things apart, and we’re all lucky to even have the chance to hate watch television—so shut the fuck up about the store being out of your favorite kombucha flavor.

Back at the 1-on-1: Ben wants to get deeper with Caila, wondering if she can be vulnerable—which makes her self-conscious and that she can’t open up to share. She tells him she feels put on the spot. But then counter to that she drops the Love bomb.

Back at the hotel the group date card arrives: Lauren B, Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H, and Leah are picked. Which means… Olivia and Emily are going to be on the 2-on-1. SHIIIIIIIT. Mortal enemies 'bout to face off.

1-on-1: Ben asks Caila that if she’s falling in love, then why can’t she open up? Is he not the right person? Ben is super confused. Caila says she knows she’s in love because she feels “understood” by him. But isn’t this whole thing about how Ben doesn’t understand her? Now I’m confused. Ben offers her the date rose and she accepts it. I accept it. Let’s just move on.

GROUP DATE: Leah is in low spirits going into the date. She was questioning even going, but decides she’s going to try and get answers. The group date is sailing and swimming. Becca is afraid that there are sharks, but it turns out… those aren’t sharks…

It’s a herd of swimming PIGS!!!! Ben and the women go out to feed them. It turns into a manic scream/squeal fest. Pigs aggressively tackling the girls to get the food they have. It reminds me of college. Not in a metaphorical way, I once tackled a girl because she had food. I’m not proud of it.

After things calm down, Ben goes off with Lauren B. and it sparks awkwardness with the others. Everyone is struggling with the fact that there’s only one of Ben and a bunch of girls on the date. Especially now that they have feelings for him and he has feelings for them. It’s sort of like if you were in a sitcom and you were dating two people and you accidentally invited them on the same date. Except you invited them both on purpose, and instead of two people it was six.

Leah confronts Ben about the lack of 1-on-1 time. She says she feels like a group date groupie. Which reminds me that Group Date would be an awful name for a band. Ben tries to reassure her, and challenges her to try and the make the most of today. Leah comes away from the interaction unconvinced. Basically Ben is feeling weird, and he’s not communicating well with any of the women, which stresses me out. Meanwhile the camera keeps cutting to reaction shots of the pigs. Which soothes me. It’s a wash. Here's another gif:


That Night: The girls talk about the day, and they all feel disconnected. Leah is pretty sure she’s going home during the next rose ceremony. Ben enters and acknowledges the elephant in the room. He pulls Becca aside first. Ben comes away with the realization that he needs to communicate better and do more to be aware of how he’s acting around them.

Back at the hotel: The 2-on-1 date card comes and it says, “Two women one rose, one stays, one goes.” That’s fucking awesome 8th-grade poetry.

Back on the group date: It’s time for Leah to have it out with Ben, for REAL this time. Ben asks her to be open with him. Leah says there are some people in the house that are acting one way around them and another way around Ben—oh, this Olivia shit again?

NO. She’s tells him it’s Lauren B. Whoa! That’s some manipulative shit. Lauren B. is totally on the level so far. This is a ploy to get him to vote off Lauren B. instead of her. To top things off, a literal storm starts brewing. TV GODS, I PRAY TO YOU.

Lauren B. walks in, Leah leaves. Ben confronts her about what Leah just said, but doesn't tell her Leah said it. Lauren B. is taken aback. She’s shaken that he would doubt her, and she’s upset that someone would lie about her to Ben.

Through tears, Lauren B tells the other girls what happened. Leah flat out DENIES saying anything. Holy shit, this is getting so good. She’s actually lying. Leah is fucking crazy! Ben comes back and gives the date rose to Amanda. Lauren B questions if she didn’t get the rose because of what he heard about her. Leah says she’s relieved that Lauren B didn’t get the rose, but now she needs to do something more extreme. She’s a full-on supervillain now.

Back at the hotel, after the date, all the women talk and use the process of elimination to deduce that Leah was the one who said something to Ben. Meanwhile Leah is walking over to Ben’s suite because she doesn’t want Ben to end up with Lauren B, and she’s there to make sure she doesn’t. Ben invites her in (bad move, if she’s a vampire, bro). Leah goes on to tell a lie after lie about Lauren. Ben isn’t totally buying it though. He would rather spend time with Leah connecting, instead of talking about Lauren B. So Ben says he hasn’t really been feeling any growth in their relationship. And CUTS HER LOOSE!

Evil loses today. But don’t rest on your laurels, dear reader. Evil is insidious and persistent. It cannot die. Be vigilant. Find strength in your loved ones. Hold onto the light.

The next day, winds are raging and it’s time for the 2-on-1 date. The main event. Olivia and Emily have their bags packed in case they’re the one to go home. Olivia is treating the date as a 1-on-1. Emily is just hoping Ben sees through Olivia’s bullshit.

Master on the left, Blaster on the right. Ben is Sad Max.
  • Courtesy of @GMA
  • Master on the left, Blaster on the right. Ben is Sad Max.

Ben meets them on a dock, and they take a powerboat to a small island. Wind and choppy waves foreshadow the experience to come. All three sit down on a beach blanket. There’s an immediate awkward silence. Ben eventually takes Olivia aside.

He questions her about the drama last week (the start of this episode). She starts explaining that the others don’t like her because she’s an introvert, she’s at peace with who she is, very grounded, very in tune with her body, she knows who she is. She has political and religious views and says, “Deep intellectual things are just my jam.” She says she’s come to a lot of realizations lately. Then Ben asks, “Like what?” And Olivia says, “I love you.”

Ben and Emily have their turn at some alone time. She immediately jumps into a hard pitch. Stringing together a ton of cliches. Both women aren't looking that great—who will he pick?

Ben picks up the rose and asks Olivia to come with him. Emily is heart broken. Pissed. Angry. Confused. If he ends up with Olivia, he’s going to be miserable.

Ben tells Olivia that he appreciates her openness and thinks she’s a special person. Then he says he can’t reciprocate her feelings, and that he won’t be giving her the rose. He leaves her there to stare out at the stormy ocean, goes over to Emily to give her the rose instead.

Ben and Emily leave on the boat. Olivia is left standing alone on the beach sobbing.


Some say she’s still there to this day. If at night you hear weeping over the waves as you sit, drinking rum in your crow’s nest, tell your captain to tack the other way. Only sorrow awaits the man who beckons that call, lad. Only sorrow and death.

Later that day is the ROSE CEREMONY. The girls aren’t sure who is going home. They are looking forward to talking with Ben during the cocktail party so they can get a sense of where they stand.

But uh-oh. Chris Harrison walks in to tell them that Ben has decided to cancel the cocktail party. Ben just doesn’t have the emotional energy for it and thought it would only add confusion. We’re going right into the Rose Ceremony: Emily, Amanda, Caila have date roses so they are safe.

Only three roses left to hand out, so here’s who makes the cut: Becca... and JoJo.

The last rose is down to Lauren B and Lauren H.—the last two Laurens (we started with FOUR remember?). Will the seed of Leah’s mind games grow to put a thorn in Ben’s relationship with Lauren B? Or will Lauren H’s generic personality and general blandness send her packing?

Lauren B gets the rose. Blandness loses, as it always should. You hear that, unsweetened oatmeal? You piece of shit.

Sneak Peek of the rest of the season: Crying, Crying, and CRYING. Lauren B, Amanda, Caila, JoJo, Becca, all feel really strong about their relationships. Ben says he’s in love with two women. Chris Harrison says what Ben is considering would change everything. Ben is going to propose to someone by the end of this.