A while back I had a conversion with a woman who had recently moved here with her husband. When I asked why, she replied that, “Portland was too weird a few years ago but now it’s really nice”. So they packed up and moved into the waning weirdness of our fair city. It’s obvious we’re upset by these people. The longtime residents (sure, some non-local but fiercely Portland all the same) are irritated. We could actually give up and leave. To that I say, NAY. I say we stay and fight. I say we make Portland so fucking weird that it’s downright uncomfortable for the newcomers. Make what was charming and twee into grating and infuriating. I suggest that you turn the weird up to level 11. Nail dildos to the trees in Laurelhurst Park. Try to sell “healing crystals” off of a mexican blanket on the sidewalk in front of Pok Pok. Dress as a clown and skateboard through The Pearl while singing, “Party in the USA” loudly. Campaign to get the Naked Bike ride to be a monthly event. Yell “HEY DOUCHEKING to that dipshit from Burnside26 whenever you see him skulking around. Tie bouquets of balloons to the mirrors of all cars with out of state plates. Steak and Blow job day parade! Have house parties that swell to over 100 people, most of who you don’t know. It will be Portland x1,000, It will be more Portland than any NYC family or SF yuppie can handle. We can fight them with hatred or we can fight them with what makes us amazing. Let’s make Portland WEIRDER.
Stop Being Mad and Start Getting Weirder
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Yeah but what you missed was that by “too weird” she was actually saying “unfashionable”.
You know what we’ve been broadcasting for the past decade? Wacky donuts, tall bikes, fancy ice cream, knitted telephone pole cozies, twee graffiti, half-assed etsy craft shit, unicycling Darth Vader wearing a kilt and blowing flamethrower bagpipes, etc etc etc.
People have come here to be entertained. They want to take selfies while standing in line for artisan salt tasting, or snap instagrams of their overhyped brunch. Just think of all the “likes” you’ll get if you finally make good on your threats to ditch your boring hometown and move to Portland! Why, it’s the self-esteem boost you always needed. And all you gotta do is move to Portland and convince at least ten of your friends to do the same!
“Golly, it’s so weird here! I always knew I was one of the weird ones! Finally, a city full of people like me, who dare to sip mimosas at with breakfast and buy organic cotton Patagonia khakis!”
“…who dare to sip mimosas at breakfast…” HA!
All hail the king.
According to choady mcdouchey everyone in this growing city should have the exact same tastes in everything and do the same things as him / her. He / she is the authority on taste and culture. Sounds like a closed minded old sob to me. Just what we need more of!
And full disclosure – I have never waited in line for brunch, been to voodoo, salt and straw, ridden a tall bike or unicycled or worn a kilt, don’t have an Instagram, etc etc. I did go to pok pok once and it was pretty damned good. So bitch about that if you want.
But I do realize that the kids these days like that stuff, and more importantly, I realize we live in a damned city that is going to have people that like varying things. All these high horsed assholes who can’t accept that can move to a mountain cabin or some small town (where rents are more in line with their out of date expectations too). I’m sure your grandaddy didn’t understand your lame assed pearl jam t shirt back in 94 and you wrote him off as an old timer. You are no different.
Oh, but by using some initials as your moniker somehow probably makes you the grand poopah of hipsterdom?!
Rickstevens aka Stevenrichards aka farterie – make a relevant point, because the above isn’t one and frankly makes no sense. Maybe this Chunty character is your 4th merc account? You can tell us, it’s ok.
JTR: I think you missed my point. People move here for the stuff we put in the You’re Moving to Portland! brochure, and we deliver in spades. Problem is, that shit ain’t “weird”, and it ain’t what made this town what it is. All that stuff is just mainstream media window dressing. I don’t especially care one way or another about it, but that’s irrelevant because to America and the rest of the world, that’s what we are: a place to let your nonthreatening not-quite-freak-flag fly.
Most cities have unicycle dorks and bad crafters and they’re ignored like they should be. Problem is, we have so little else going on here, from a cultural and economic standpoint, that the flaccid attention-seekers and semi-novel artisan butter merchants are behind the steering wheel. Did we have our own unique culture at some point? Maybe. And it was likely well before my time. I’m a part of the problem too, but at least I’m comfortable with the fact that in 20 years nobody outside of nostalgic Nursinghomebook groups will give a growler/diaper fill about a guy who once wore a Space Trek mask in order to collect imaginary internet points.
In the meantime, asking for more of that garbage only serves to chafe my roids.
First of all, the vast majority of people move here for jobs (yes our economy is growing in many sectors) and for the relatively low cost of living / amenities ratio vs other west coast cities. Nobody sees some dumb IFC show or a lame slogan we stole from Austin and says “pack up the bags”. By amenities I mean outdoor access, great close in neighborhoods, relatively affordable food, bar and entertainment scene that goes way beyond doughnuts and ice cream, so on and so on.
You have your blinders on and have been watching way to many portlandia episodes of you truly buy into all that artisanal butter crap as really being a big deal and an attraction. Real jobs are being created in this town in new economy industries from software to financial services to consulting, restaurants, apparel to advertising, etc. and yes, local makers of everything from salt to beer to furniture and wine are a part of this, which I think is pretty cool and not gimmicky at all. Stray a little further from the shit you see on tv or the rants you read online or the few establishments in this town like screen door or salt and straw that you extrapolate to the entire population and you will see that the little portlandia / weird stereotype you hate really is pretty isolated. Yes it makes good tv and is a good subject for internet rants, but this shit is reaching alarming levels. People need to find their niche and move forward, and stop complaining about all these minor stereotypes that are just that.
Stay on topic SteveRichards. Or, at the very least attempt to make a coherent point for once. I love how you have admitted to your IA addiction (and told everyone you were done, only to come back) and have also admitted to having multiple troll-a-riffic accounts…but then you always go back on these admissions when convenient.
^ “Stay on topic SteveRichards.” And…
“Or, at the very least attempt to make a coherent point for once.”
You mean like…
“…and have also admitted to having multiple troll-a-riffic accounts…but then you always go back on these admissions when convenient.”
I told you to quit while you’re behind you f’n dunce. Any other paranoid/delusional theories you’d like to roll out chief?
Hey JTR and Steve Richards! Your battles have grown tiring as fuck, and if it happens again I’m sending both of you down to Oregon Live. (AKA the minor leagues.)
I’ll have my steak medium rare and my blow job well done. Thank you.
^ Go ahead and ban me King Humphrey. This blog is a goddamned joke at this point anyway.
You guys already censor harmless comments and let asswipes like JTR troll as they please. Then you start getting tough when people start firing back at trash like him.
Even DamosA stayed away after he was banned. It was under threat of federal incarceration, but still
Everybody say bye-bye to SteveRichards, whose obit will read, “refused to accept when he was boring people to death.” RIP.
Back on topic, everybody!
Anyway, I liked this rant. Saying “I didn’t move here a few years ago because it was ‘too weird'” is obviously a douchey, xenophobic thing to say. Fuck people like that, those are just the sort of folks that move to a place and then bitch about how it’s not exactly the way the boring way they want it.
Bye SteveRichards!! We hardly knew ye.
Humpy please delete me too. Put me out of my misery. I cannot hack these I,As any more. Thanks,
The colonel
You want people to conform to weird, if they don’t you think Portland will fall apart/ I don’t think so. Many of us are dull, mediocre, and still have great sense of humors.
You think Portlanders are trained seals. You are trying to imply we should all be the same. Grow up.
Ding dong the Rick is gone!
^Should have went with Donnie Most. much more fitting…
To stay obvious (and on topic) people who want to be weird for the sake of being weird are exactly what’s going wrong with our beloved city. The Portland I fell in love with was brimming with people who moved here because they actually ARE a little different, and appreciate being in a town where that is accepted. Artists, biz owners, musicians, sexual deviants, we came to Portland to be ourselves – not a sideshow attraction for people who watch too much tv and can’t afford the rent in CA or WA. I think it’s called um… GET A LIFE. Peace y’all.