There are two ways of knowing that something exciting is about to happen within the "geek community": (1) They squeal. A geek squeal is not the squeal of a regular person. It's high-pitched, uncontrollable, and sounds like an elongated version of a basketball-court tennis-shoe squeak. (2) The smell. When geeks get excited, they emit an aroma not unlike a combination of sweat, burning tires, and Cool Ranch Doritos.
That being said, one can almost smell/hear the stench/squeak of geeks losing their minds over this week's season two premiere of The Walking Dead (AMC, Sun Oct 16, 9 pm). And well they should! This show about a zombie infestation and the human survivors who bash their heads in with rocks was last year's breakout hit. And if internet spoiler spies are correct, you can expect more of the same in season two, including... ROMANCE! (Glenn gets a smoochy love interest!) SURPRISES! (While the show will continue to mirror the original graphic novels, expect a few crazy left turns designed to freak the poop into your pants!) And BASHING ZOMBIES IN THE HEAD WITH ROCKS! (The show knows on which side its bread is buttered... and which side of a zombie's head to bash with a rock... so expect more of that.)
HOWEVER! While I'm certainly a proponent of picking up a large, irregularly shaped piece of cement and SMASHING, SMASHING, SMASHING a goddamn zombie's face into a bloody, unrecognizable pulp—I also realize there's more to life than killing the undead. That's why I offer the following suggestions on how to CREATIVELY kill those zombies that are shambling toward you in the mall while you're trying to pick up a Lady Gaga shirt at Hot Topic.
• KILL THAT ZOMBIE WITH FIRE! Zombies are sloooooow. That's why it's super easy to douse 'em with gasoline, hold a lit match in front of an aerosol can, and WOOOOOSH! Barbecued zombie! (Pro tip: For extra fun, do it near a glass-enclosed swimming pool and laugh and laugh as their burning bodies bounce off the glass.)
• KILL THAT ZOMBIE WITH A SEGWAY! True... not the most efficient way of killing a zombie. However! For those with patience, there's a peaceful, Zen-like feeling derived from repeatedly running over a zombie on a Segway, until its body is liquefied. Again, just an idea.
• KILL THAT ZOMBIE WITH AN ANGRY DONKEY! There is nothing... nothing funnier than watching an angry donkey kick a zombie in the face. Hold the donkey by the reins and point its hindquarters at a zombie. When the zombie shambles into range, use a long stick with a feather attached to tickle the donkey's anus, and in three... two... one... KABOOM! (Bring extra underpants—you may pee yourself laughing!)
• KILL THAT ZOMBIE WITH LOVE! Bear with me here. Invite the zombie to your The Walking Dead screening party. Give it the chair of honor, and offer it a plate of delicious Totino's Pizza Rolls. Then pick up a sharp piece of concrete and BASH, BASH, BASH IT until its head explodes. (What can I say? Sometimes the old ways are the best ways.)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13
8:00 ABC CHARLIE'S ANGELS
The angels are imprisoned in Cuba in this remake of the classic nipple-rific 1976 "Angels in Chains" episode!
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Andy tries to impress the boss with a party in which the guest of honor is... Josh Groban??
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14
10:00 HIS HAIRY BIKERS
Debut! Two bikers travel the country eating weird food. Tonight: nutria rat sausage!
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15
10:00 ANI PUPPIES VS. BABIES
Debut! A weekly contest to see which is cuter—and not, unfortunately, a fight to the death.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
The funny and cute-as-a-goddamn-button Anna Faris hosts!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Season premiere! Rick and the gang try to leave Atlanta only to discover a zombie traffic jam.
Midnight AMC TALKING DEAD
Debut! Funny guy Chris Hardwick hosts this aptly named show that dissects tonight's ep of The Walking Dead.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 17
8:00 FOX TERRA NOVA
A "Sixer" seeks asylum in Terra Nova. (Look out! She might be a Cyborg!)
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18
8:30 ABC MAN UP!
Debut! Three friends in their 30s try to navigate the tricky waters of modern manhood, and zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
9:00 SPIKE SCREAM AWARDS
The annual celebration of sci-fi cinema, horror, and geek musk.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19
7:30 FOX WORLD SERIES: GAME ONE
America's best two baseball teams meet, spit on the ground, and scratch their scrabble bags.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
What do you mean they're planning on selling and leaving the haunted house? That's a direct violation of the "Horror Movie Character Code"!