MONDAY, DECEMBER 30
Previously in One Day at a Time... awkwardly aging douchebag Justin Bieber (winner of our annual "Absolute Worst Person in the World Ever" sweepstakes) announced to the world in a radio interview that he was retiring from the music biz. YESSSSSSS. Naturally, sources close to his terrified reps claim Das Biebs was simply making an unfunny joke and was not going anywhere—but then Justin wrote the following Twatter: "My beloved beliebers I'm officially retiring," adding, "The media [That's us!!—Ann] make up a lot of lies and want me to fail but I'm never leaving you, being a belieber is a lifestyle... I'M HERE FOREVER." Waaaaaaitasecond... Justin Bieber doesn't know what "retirement" means, does he? Sigh. MEANWHILE... Megalomaniac Kanye West presented a very special Christmas gift to his new baby girl North West—a tiny Lamborghini that's an exact replica of her father's set of expensive wheels. It should be noted that a six-month-old baby can't do anything inside of a miniature car other than babble incoherently, drool on the steering wheel, and slowly slide down onto the floorboard. Soooo, yeah! Just like her father.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 31
Today in "anyone can be a published author": Cameron Diaz is a published author. Her tome is called The Body Book, and there seems to be absolutely no reason to read it other than to get squicked out by the chapter titled "In Praise of Pubes." (Direct quotes are coming, so feel free to jump to the next entry.) "Personally, I think permanent laser hair removal sounds like a crazy idea," the actress wrote. "The idea that vaginas are preferable in a hairless state is a pretty recent phenomenon, and all fads change, people." Two things before we get to the really squicky stuff: (1) Cameron's absolutely right about society's gross obsession with "baby labia," and (2) just so our boy readers don't get confused, the "vagina" is actually... you know... up inside there. She probably means the mons pubis (Latin for pubic mound), and is using the term "vagina" colloquially. We hope. And now, more unasked-for descriptions of Cameron's colloquial vagina: "Pubic hair also serves as a pretty draping that makes it little mysterious to the one who might be courting your sexiness," Diaz unfortunately wrote. "Also, let's be honest [Let's not!!—Ann], just like every other part of your body, your labia major is not immune to gravity. Do you really want a hairless [colloquial] vagina for the rest of your life?" GAHHHH! She's right... but make her stop! Somebody make her stop! "Twenty years from now," Diaz mercifully concluded, "you will still want to be presenting it to someone special, and it would be nice to let him or her unwrap it like the gift that it is." ACK! HAIR IS NOT GIFT WRAPPING!! With colloquial vagina spokespeople like these, who needs enemies?
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1
Good news for women who need their colloquial vaginas covered by health insurance: The Affordable Care Act (colloquially "Obamacare") kicked in today and despite hordes of Fox News naysayers, millions of Americans are now receiving coverage. As the New York Times aptly put it: "Starting Wednesday, health insurance companies can no longer deny coverage to people with pre-existing conditions and cannot charge higher premiums to women than to men for the same coverage. In most cases, insurers must provide a standard set of benefits prescribed by federal law and regulations. And they cannot set dollar limits on what they spend on 'essential health benefits' for a policyholder." As Veep Joe Biden once said, "This is a big fucking deal"—though at times one could not be blamed for having doubts about the program. In December, Enroll America attempted to inspire young people to sign up for Obamacare by enlisting two celebrity spokespeople: rapper Pitbull and... Fran Drescher? You know... The Nanny? (Of course you don't know... you weren't even born then.) That's why you should trust us: The mere existence of a working Affordable Care Act is a MIRACLE.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 2
Today in Shia LaBeouf: After being stone-cold busted for plagiarizing the work of comics artist Dan Clowes to use in one of his short films, La Beef decided to make a very public apology today—hiring an airplane to skywrite the words "I AM SORRY DANIEL CLOWES" over Los Angeles. Clowes' longtime editor Eric Reynolds issued the following response to BuzzFeed: "I imagine airplane messaging is the norm in Hollywood," Reynolds quipped, "but someone really should have informed Mr. LaBeouf that Mr. Clowes lives in the Bay Area." Whoops. In that case, LaBeouf wants to know if anyone in San Francisco can plagiarize this and send it to him?
FRIDAY, JANUARY 3
Friendly reminder, dears! DON'T CROSS KIM JONG-UN. Even if—especially if—you're Kim Jong-un's uncle, Jang Song-thaek! Why? Oh, just because Kim Jong-un reportedly "executed his high-ranking uncle by having him stripped, thrown into a cage, and eaten alive by 120 starving hounds," according to the New York Daily News—which cited the Singapore-based Straits Times and then added a few other charming details, like... "Kim and his brother monitored the gruesome one-hour-long execution along with 300 other officials," "Jang and five of his aides were mauled by the 120 hunting dogs that had been starved for five days," and "the victims were 'completely eaten up.'" Nuts, right? It's shocking stories like these that are almost too crazy to believe. MEANWHILE... For years, anti-vaccination, anti-fluoride, and anti-science crusader Jenny McCarthy has been blaming her 11-year-old son's autism on the vaccinations he received as a baby—but now it turns out her son, Evan, might not even have autism. Radar Online cited an interview in Time that suggested Evan never had the disorder—and that McCarthy's been crusading against vaccines this whole time anyway. Nuts, right? It's shocking stories like these that are almost too crazy to believe.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 4
Whoopsie! Turns out it's unlikely that Jang Song-thaek was, in fact, eaten alive by 120 starving hounds. (Oh, he was still executed by his nephew—just not, it turns out, by dog.) Reuters is reporting that the widely circulated story "appears to have originated as satire on a Chinese microblogging website" before it "spread like wildfire." One Day at a Time sincerely regrets reporting this erroneous story... and we regret even more that it probably gave Kim Jong-un some terrible, terrible ideas for his next round of executions. Which should be happening any minute now. MEANWHILE! Whoopsie! "Evan was diagnosed with autism by the Autism Evaluation Clinic at the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital and was confirmed by the State of California (through their Regional Center)," Jenny McCarthy tweeted today, putting an end to the rumors that her son never had autism. She added, "Continued misrepresentations, such as these, only serve to open wounds of the many families who are courageously dealing with this disorder." One Day at a Time sincerely regrets reporting this erroneous story... and we regret even more that McCarthy will now be able to continue to preach illogical nonsense to halfwits, at least until the beautiful day when she's eaten alive by 120 starving hounds.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 5
After several days of stories that seemed like they could be totally true but turned out to be totally false, now we have a story that seems like it should be totally false—but is totally true! We'll let the Hollywood Reporter's perfect headline break the news: "Steven Seagal Mulling Run for Arizona Governor." What! According to the Reporter, "The 61-year-old made the comments while talking about his newly released reality series Steven Seagal—Lawman: Maricopa County," which follows the former action hero as he serves in the posse of famously racist Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaio, who really, really hates undocumented immigrants. (And to answer your question, yes, apparently posses do still exist—or at least they do in Arizona, where there isn't much else to do.) "I suppose I would remotely consider it," Seagal mused in an interview with Phoenix's ABC15 when asked about running for governor, "but probably I would have a lot of other responsibilities that may be more important." Seagal—who has also been inexplicably deputized in Texas, Louisiana, and New Mexico, so stay out of those states—declined to elaborate on what his other, more-important-than-being-a-governor "responsibilities" might be. It's probably for the best: Something tells us Governor Seagal's first act would be to start enforcing border security. By deputizing 120 starving hounds.