AS YOU KNOW, every week we immerse ourselves in a steaming garbage stew called "gossip." And at the end of every year, we're forced to stick our hands deep in the pot to pull out the ickiest chunks to decide who will be awarded "The Absolute Worst Person or Thing in the World for 2015 Ever." Who or what shall it be? Let's look at our top (and very terrible) runners-up!
#10 50 SHADES OF GREY
For reasons unknown, this disgustingly awful flick from early 2015 brought out the worst in people! For example...
SUNDAY, MARCH 1 "A screening of 50 Shades of Grey ended in chaos when three women were arrested for attacking and stabbing a man," according to the Telegraph. "Witnesses claim the bust-up started after the victim asked the women to quiet down... [following the brawl] the staff were forced to wipe blood from the seats before the next screening." Sexy!
#9 JOHNNY DEPP
Depp has always been an annoying wanker... but this year? He really topped himself. To wit...
SATURDAY, MAY 16 The increasingly tiresome clown behind the endless Pirates of the Caribbean movies is currently in Australia filming that series' latest installment—and smuggled his two Yorkshire terriers, Boo and Pistol, past Australian quarantine! Agriculture Minister Barnaby Joyce said, "If we start letting movie stars [break laws], then why don't we just break the laws for everybody? It's time Pistol and Boo buggered off back to the United States." The winner in this scenario? The entire continent of Australia.
#8 KIM DAVIS
In a crowded field of bigots, hillbilly Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis really made a (bad) name for herself in 2015!
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 After being jailed for refusing to do her job and grant gay couples marriage licenses—as ordered by the Supreme Court—county clerk Kim Davis is now saying the licenses currently being issued are void, because she didn't authorize them as an elected official. BUT! Turns out Davis wasn't exactly upfront with voters. "She ran on a Democratic ticket," said Kentucky resident David Ermold. In addition, Davis—that staunch supporter of traditional marriage—has been married four times.
#7 NANNY BANGING
What is it about celebs and their obsession with banging the nanny? 2015 had not one, but TWO notable nanny bangers.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 29 Wondering why Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner went splitzo? According to "multiple sources," Ben was allegedly banging the nanny! Jen was the one who hired the gorgeous 28-year-old—and while we don't want to blame the victim... JEN, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Today in "OH NO HE DID NOT!": Gwen Stefani's rocker hubby Gavin Rossdale has been... you guessed it... banging the nanny. Apparently Gavin had been porking nanny Mindy Mann for three long years (including when Gwen was pregnant—the cad!).
#6 ROGUE COPS
2015 was the year #BlackLivesMatter took center stage, and "rogue cops" have no one to blame but themselves.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 8 Last weekend South Carolina cop Michael Slager shot 50-year-old Walter Scott five times in the back—and planted a Taser on the victim to cover up his crime. And he would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for that meddling video.
TUESDAY, APRIL 28 Following the funeral service for Freddie Gray—whose neck was broken while in police custody—riots broke out around Baltimore, Maryland. Unrest followed, with at least 20 officers injured, 235 people arrested, and an untold amount of property damage. The riots halted only when six officers were brought up on charges, including second-degree murder.
SATURDAY, JUNE 6 Today in McKinney, Texas, a fight broke out after racist adults told black teenagers to leave a community pool party. Police responded in force, with no fewer than 12 officers chasing down teens. Officer Eric Casebolt grabbed and threw 15-year-old Dajerria Becton to the ground, pulled her braids, knelt with both knees on her back, and pointed his gun at teens who tried to help.
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 In Irving, Texas, Muslim teenager Ahmed Mohamed decided to impress his teacher with a homemade digital clock. Instead of being wowed by his prowess, the teacher confiscated the clock (because OF COURSE she thought it was a bomb), and called the police, who slapped Ahmed in cuffs and escorted him out of school.
#5 CELEBRITY PEDOPHILES
Usually Hollyweird only has one celebrity pedophile per year. In 2015 they had two!
THURSDAY, MAY 21 Josh Duggar, the oldest son featured on the terrible TLC reality show 19 Kids and Counting, has been accused of fondling and groping five girls (two were his sisters). Instead of going to the police, father Jim Bob Duggar decided to send his son to a "treatment program." (Which turned out to be performing manual labor with a building remodeler. OMIGOD.)
MONDAY, AUGUST 17 In news that will make you vomit your Veggie Delite, Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has confessed to committing sex acts with minors and receiving child pornography. In 2012, Jared allegedly paid a 17-year-old—whose age he knew in advance—to have sex with him. He was later accused of sending texts to escorts "soliciting them to provide him with access to minors as young as 14 to 15 years." (GAHHHH! Let's pause for a Listerine shower.)
#4 DONALD TRUMP
At first it was funny, in a "this can't be happening" kind of way. Then it got less funny.
MONDAY, JUNE 29 Speaking on the topic of immigration, Trump said the following about Mexico. "They're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists," he said before conceding, "and some I assume are good people."
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 21 When an African American "Black Lives Matter" protester was attacked by whites at a Birmingham, Alabama rally, Trump quipped, "Maybe he should have been roughed up." At the same rally, Trump suggested law enforcement keep an eye on Islamic houses of worship, which, in his view, could pose terrorist threats. THEN! On This Week, Trump said that as president, he would bring back waterboarding. "If it doesn't work," Trump declared, "they deserve it anyway." THERE'S MORE! "There were people cheering on the other side of New Jersey where you have large Arab populations," Trump said of 9/11. "They were cheering as the World Trade Center came down." Except, you know, they weren't. "Trump is plain wrong, and he is shamefully politicizing an emotionally charged issue," Jersey City Mayor Steven Fulop told ABC News.
Wait... is it suddenly 2001 all over again?
TUESDAY, JANUARY 6 Today two gunmen entered the offices of satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo and murdered 12 people—two of whom were police officers. The attackers were heard yelling, "Allahu Akbar" and "We have avenged the prophet."
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13 In what the BBC called the "worst peacetime attack in France since World War II," at least 129 people were killed and more than 300 were wounded today in Paris, where gunmen and suicide bombers targeted "bars, restaurants, a concert, and a high-profile football match."
THURSDAY, JUNE 25 From a study reported by New America, a Washington, DC, research center: "Since September 11, 2001, nearly twice as many people have been killed by white supremacists, antigovernment fanatics, and other non-Muslim extremists [in this country] than by radical Muslims." Which brings us to...
#2 GUN NUTS
There have been 353 mass shootings in America since the start of 2015. What follows just scratches the surface.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17 A white male by the name of Dylann Roof entered Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina, and joined the Bible study group before eventually pulling a gun and killing nine people. According to the terrorist's roommate, Roof was a supporter of racial segregation and intended to start a civil war.
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1 Ten people were shot and killed at Roseburg, Oregon's Umpqua Community College today in one of the worst school massacres in the nation's history. President Obama responded, "We are the only advanced country on earth that sees these kinds of mass shootings every few months.... We collectively are answerable to those families who lose their loved ones because of our inaction."
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27 Robert L. Dear, a 57-year-old "heavily bearded man with a rifle" entered a Planned Parenthood in Colorado Springs, Colorado, killing three and wounding nine. A senior law enforcement official noted Dear explained his rampage with four words: "no more baby parts."
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2 A man and a woman walked into San Bernardino, California's Inland Regional Center—a social services provider—and killed 14 people while wounding 21 others during a holiday lunch party. The case was one of two mass shootings today, the other in Savannah, Georgia.
So who or what could possibly beat terrorism, guns, and nanny banging to become "The Absolute Worst Person or Thing in the World for 2105 Ever"? Tune in next week for the disgusting answer! Mmmmmwaaahh!