MONDAY
From: Steve Humphrey
To: Phil Busse
Subject: Paradise
HI PHIL: How are you? We are doing great, but we miss you guys. Our life here in Thailand see-saws between relaxing in paradise and snorkeling. In a few days we’re going on a snorkeling boat trip to the Similan Islands. Being snorkeling junkies, we’re quite excited.
I hope that everything is good at the office, and that the paper is getting out without too many hang-ups.
Your Boss, Steve
TUESDAY
From: Justin Sanders
To: mercuryoffice>
Subject: Apology
To all on the first floor who suffered from the recent basketball bounces that rocked our fair abode: It was actually Phil Busse who did the bouncing, and he apologizes from the bottom of his heart.
Justin
From: Julianne Shepherd
To: mercuryoffice>
Subject: J.LO vs. BEN
Hello. I am taking bets on the impending doom of the J.LO/BEN union. How long will the marriage last? Keep in mind that Ben hasn’t even been in AA for a full year, and that J.LO was pregnant… and then she wasn’t.
It’s a dollar to enter, and at the end of their marriage, whoever’s guess was most accurate gets the pool. Email me to sign up.
Gleefully profiting from the demise of others,
Julianne
From: Lance Chess
To: mercuryoffice>
Subject: Missing Documentation
Hello Mercury office. Open the attachment to this email and see what documentation you are missing from our records. It is then your responsibility to get me said documentation as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation. If you’ve already read the employee handbook, it’s always a good idea to refresh your memory. Regardless, there is a document you must sign saying you read it.
Lance
From: Marjorie Skinner
To: Lance Chess
Subject: Kiss my ass
What the fuck?! Why does this company insist that I don’t exist no matter how many times I fill out forms and/or have my license xeroxed?! I don’t have an employee handbook, but it probably doesn’t matter because I don’t need to know the intricacies of salaries and benefits that I don’t have. SO, what exactly should i do to clear this confusion up?
Marjorie
WEDNESDAY
From: Lance Chess
To: mercuryoffice>
Subject: Marjorie Skinner
Marjorie somehow managed to break her arm last night and will be a little late as she is having it re-cast due to unraveling. She seems otherwise OK. She called to have me FYI you all. So, FYI.
Lance
From: Marjorie Skinner
Subject: cars
hey, as you know, i have a broken wing. i’m supposed to drive to seattle tomorrow to hang with my big brother. thing is, my car’s a stick. i can sort of drive it, but it’s pretty dangerous and i would rather not, especially in a strange city. so, i’m wondering if anyone has an automatic but knows how to drive stick, and might want to swap with me tomorrow evening until either saturday night or sunday. my car is newish and nice, zippy and fun to drive, has leather seats and butt warmers. it’s just kind of cluttered with tapes and papers, but nothing gross. you’re allowed to smoke in it.
marjorie
FRIDAY
From: Lance Chess
To: mercuryeditorial>
Subject: I don’t like getting screwed
When there is a unilateral decision to not come in on a certain day, I, for one, need to know. This is information crucial to answering your phone calls and responding to other people’s questions, etc. A simple email will suffice. I hope you had a great holiday.
Lance