Credit: Chip Somodevilla / Getty

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I had a feeling you were going to really fuck up, and you did. Nice work, dummy!
“I had a feeling you were going to really fuck up, and you did. Nice work, dummy!” Chip Somodevilla / Staff / Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Don’t care what is written in your history, as long as you’re here with me. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

THE DAY YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR HAS FINALLY ARRIVED (no, not a Friends reunion): Congress is at long last opening an impeachment inquiry into Donald Trump—who really should be the subject of at least a thousand investigations. After Trump and his creepy lawyer Rudy Giuliani publicly admitted to asking Ukraine to manufacture a scandal that would hurt Joe Biden in the 2020 election, a whopping 200 House members are now favoring an impeachment inquiry, thereby convincing House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to finally, finally, FINALLY begin to travel down the road of much-needed impeachment.

Apparently the threat of actual impeachment scared the White House into cooperating, at least for the moment, as they released their version of a transcript that allegedly documents the call Trump made to the president of the Ukraine, telling him to contact Justice Department lackey William Barr to open a corruption investigation into Biden. From the NYT:

Mr. Trump’s suggestion that American law enforcement be directly involved and in contact with Ukraine’s government marks the first evidence that the president personally sought to harness the power of the United States government to further a politically motivated investigation.

Here’s a primer on how the impeachment process works.

Oh and by the way, you’re going to read a lot of dumb, scaredy-cat headlines like this one: “Be careful what you wish for: Impeachment inquiry poses risks for 2020 Democrats.” This is your official reminder that this is TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT. Don’t buy into the panicky notion that protecting politicians is more important than protecting our country. People vote for people they respect.

In other news, Democratic presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren is now in the lead after overtaking Joe Biden by two percentage points in a new national poll.

The CEO of Juul—the gross e-cigarette company that is suspected of luring teens to their gross product—is stepping down.

Related: California has warned its citizens to STOP VAPING E-CIGARETTES NOW—at least until investigations are complete into what’s been causing the mysterious vaping deaths across the country.

Today in mass extinction: A new climate report from the UN says that coastal flooding is now the new norm, and that soon we can expect them every year.

Related: Fox News has apologized for the “disgraceful” comment of commentator who called teen climate activist Greta Thunberg a “mentally ill Swedish child.”

Across the pond, the UK Supreme Court has slapped down Prime Minister Boris Johnson, saying that he suspended parliament illegally.

IN LOCAL NEWS: Portland’s police union and local developers are once again banging their drum to turn the former Wapato prison into a homeless shelter—but this time they are echoing Trump’s talking points. Our Alex Zielinski has the details.

More trouble for Portland cops after they were said to have targeted Black youths in a recent local student climate march. Chief Outlaw has responded that the incident is under review, with the caveat that “the law applies to everyone.”

Today in “Even Science Isn’t Sure“: “Your cat probably loves you, Oregon State study says.”

Hey, you like sex and comedy, right? Then don’t miss this Thursday’s Talkin’ Dirty with Shrista & AJ, that features knee-slappin’ comedy AND a spicy sex ed demo on erotic face-slapping and the loving joys of rough sex. IT’S GONNA BE GOOD! Get your tickets here, quick!

By the way… ARE YOU HUNGRY? Then may I interest you in the Portland Mercury‘s Chili Jamboree and Nacho Week? OH! AND YES, YOU DO LOOK SEXY! Tickets for HUMP! 2019 are right here.

Now let’s peek skyward at the WEATHER: A cloudy morning will peel away to reveal a very nice afternoon with a high of 69 (niiiiiice).

And finally… impeach this bird.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)