I was going to make this a weekly installment, but I realize now that there are way too many awful things out there that need attention. So it’s going to be twice a week. I’m doubling your dose. Of fear.
So, what wants to kill me this week?
According to National Geographic, otherwise adorable wild dolphins can become stressed out by humans, and subsequently want to smash them. I imagine this “stress” comes their unnatural struggle to suppress their blood lust. But there’s good news. We have an ally against killer dolphins: other dolphins. Here’s a video that was released earlier this week, showing a school of dolphins pursuing a boatload of tasty humans, when one of them stands up for human rights and gets involved. MUTINY.
Former U.S. Air Force personnel are coming forward with personal accounts of UFO sightings near American nuclear facilities.
“I believe … that this planet is being visited by beings from another world, who for whatever reason, have taken an interest in the nuclear arms race which began at the end of World War II. … Whoever are aboard these craft are sending a signal to both Washington and Moscow, among others, that we are playing with fire.” – Robert Hastings, UFO researcher
Aliens checking out our nukes? Looks like they’re searching for evidence of WMDs to justify an invasion to the folks back home. WAR FOR SPACE OIL.
Sunbathers at the outdoor pool of Las Vegas’ Vdara hotel are complaining that the convex shape of the skyscraper is acting as a parabolic dish, concentrating the sun’s energy into a roaming 10 x 15 foot area of superheated light, intense enough to singe hair and melt plastic cups. PRE-HEATING THE SINNERS.
Once upon a time, there were underwater T-Rexes that ripped other underwater dinosaurs in half. Once upon a time, one of those became trapped inside of an iceberg, which will soon break loose from the melting arctic shelf, and drift it’s way to Portland. One of these two stories might be fiction. I’ll let that “might” dangle over the lives of everybody who ever swims. PALEOLICIOUS.
Quadrotors (flying remote-controlled murder robots) now have the technological ability to pick up, carry and drop foreign objects. Like lumber. Or possibly bees’ nests. Or hacksaws. NO REMORSE.
Good luck out there.
You forgot to mention Steve. He loves killing interns.
By “aliens” do you mean illegal aliens b/c then I would agree. Also I have a repeating nightmare that 80s sitcom star ALF is trying to kill me. Is that odd?
@EWSH — Gordon Shumway not ALF. EWSH call him by his name. How would you like it if we just started calling you Homo Sapiens Sapiens instead of just Steve when we probe you.
@KO — You forgot the poison spider in your bed and the MERSA in your sink.
@Graham — No it is Skinner who harvests the intern’s organs and sell them on her trips to the third world.